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RANDOM THOUGHTS AND HOSPITAL HAPPENINGS


ajcee

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I was awakened by a diarheal urge which proved to be massive bleeding, something I feared as a possibility since I was on blood thinners for almost 13 years following my stroke. I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance and underwent an angiography which was unable to find the bleeding source. Fortunately, the bleeding stopped on its own after three days and the blood loss did not require the following of a blood transfusion. I had been taking Plavix and baby aspirin and was told, as a result of the incident, to stop taking Plavix going forward and continue solely with the aspirin.

 

After spending ten hours in the chaotic and noisy atmosphere of the E.R., I was rolled into a room with two other patients. The room was dimly lit and quiet. I was greeted by a soft spoken Indian male nurse, surrounded by an aura of tranquility, whom I greatly appreciated. That is, until a half hour later, when a female patient, who was evidently sleeping, gave out a piercing scream which persisted at high pitch, pleading for help, without pause and hallucinating with curses and garbled talk. Realizing after coping for two hours, that I could not sleep, and developed a headache with increasing anxiety, I requested a transfer to another room which, understandably, was granted immediately.

 

The room was just two rooms down the corridor. My roommate was asleep as I settled in and was close to sleeping, when I was startled by his yell of pain and calling for help. As morning came and the day progressed, I came to realize that my hulking roommate, aged 67, suffered from a variety of painful complications, but was unreasonably demanding of the staff', harshly criticizing and insulting if he wasn't given immediate attention and overly flattering to those who pandered to him. As time went on, his language became foul and he enjoyed telling dirty jokes to the young female aids. I finally realized the man was schizophrenic when he had conversation with imaginary voices.

 

Hospitals are the last place to find rest when it is sorely needed. Sleep is interrupted by various staff visits. Phones ring incessantly, while staff members converse loudly and monitor alarms sound off at the slightest provocation. The endurance of nurses and aids amid all the chaos and patient demands, especially geriatrics in various phases of dementia, is extremely stressful and successfully tolerated only because of their concern to help those in need.

 

My concern during my four day stay in this hive of activity, was to minimize additional stress to my stroke symptoms as follows, (There has been no recovery following my stroke and an extreme decline since April. I was recently diagnosed with atrophy of the cerebellum beyond what a person my age might expect):

 

Hearing Loss: I suffer hearing loss in my right ear as a result of damage from an ill advised surgery. By sleeping on my left side, sound is muffled by my good ear against the pillow.

 

Vertigo: Has become so extreme that I now suffer chronic headaches and can barely walk even with the aid of a walker. Rather than chance falling while going through my daily ablution, I allow an aid to wash my body while lying in bed, something I would never allow in the past. The aid responsible for this duty was an attractive young woman. I must admit I enjoyed the attention.

 

Double Vision: At mealtime I would remove my prism glasses and focus on that food portion (usually dessert) thereby envisioning a double portion vanishing while being consumed, thus having my cake and eating it without the extra calories. Lol

 

Tremors: Essential tremors which are genetic in nature, usually passed on to half the offspring of an affected parent and worsens with age. Tremors are more extreme when complicated with a stroke. I cannot write, have difficulty with manual dexterity. Positioning the food tray, facing away from the other diner prevents embarrassment when holding a utensil or cup with two shaking hands to prevent spilling.

 

Tinnitus: While I have always been hypersensitive to noise,I am conditioned to ignore the constant sound of a “field of crickets.” It sometimes serves as a “white noise” to offset harsh sounds.

 

My degeneration is occurring rapidly. At age of 87, I have come to terms with my mortality. I have no fear of death,but do of lingering, painful dying. I dread the thought of dementia or Alzheimer's Disease or entering a nursing home. I cannot understand our humaneness in putting our pets to sleep when they are terminally ill, while disallowing fellow creatures to choose assistance in their own death with dignity.

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There is a fear in us all, and age does not seem to alter that.  It is tough to go through what you are going through so if you need to take antidepressants to feel better about life, do it. In our family we had a saying: "You live till you die", in other words you make the most you can out of life. My Dad died at 87 of various kinds of cancer which had started as prostate cancer.   He was cheerful till the end.

 

I know there is a lot of talk of terminating life where there is no hope of a cure and I know that would have applied to Dad but he  would have disagreed, he loved life and wanted to be with his family and those friends who still remained. So I guess you would not know who to euthanaise and who wanted to live life right up till the end.

 

Hope you have some improvement in your condition and good health returns for a while. 

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hi aj

sorry to hear of your recent experience.  the last time I was in the hospital - 4 days- I brought my ear muffs. but my roommate was quiet except for his visitors.

 

I think that our emotional response to suicide  has been of necessity ingrained into us by our evolutionary past.  I am not where you are but I may someday be there. and I don't know what I will do then.  my hope is that I will find my eternal rest before I get there.  and in 200 years our words, thoughts etc will be forever gone.

life was quite peaceful before I was born and I do expect I will regain that peace after david ceases to exist.

I do echo the wish of sue that some peace and comfort returns for a while.

 

take care my friend, know I am thinking of you

 

david

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Hello David,

 

It is my hope that I live another year or two,at least enough time to get my affairs together, but I have no desire to stretch it out beyond 90. I am not suicidal. My attitude toward assisted death when all quality of life is lost as a result of painful, irreversible disease, is today what It was when I was twenty one, and in my DNR  Living Will when I was thirty.

 

I don't believe there are 40 virgins awaiting me,nor a chorus of angels, but simply none existence, the closest of which I experienced while under anesthesia. No dreams. No thoughts. Just pure nothingness!

 

It is the losing of "self" while alive that concerns me, as a result of my stroke and degeneration of my cerebellum; fading memory,  vocal articulation, concentration and spinning surroundings..Fortunately, there is no change in the clarity of expressing myself in m writing.

 

Antidepressants may bring a false sense of relief to some, but it does not change reality.

 

Regards

AJ

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Your mind is as sharp and clear in writing and so that part of your self is still here just fine.

I have heard that antidepressants are a coin toss and can make you feel worse before you get relief so that scared me off. I don't know if this is accurate and I think for some it has saved their lives. I am so high on the pain killers and the gabapentin and the blood pressure meds and all the stuff so I can't imagine another drug in the mix. I am already in a half coma and altered state here lOl but I am still saddened by the loss of everything I have lost here. Give me that back instead of a pill to make me not mind so much. To me, both are unrealistic. For me the obsession is physical pain relief though which trumps emotional right now.

 

I know what you mean by the spinning vertigo world. I never knew such a place existed.

My neuro took me off plavix when he learned I took baby aspirin and told me that there was a risk of internal bleeding when both are taken. My pcp scoffed at this but I listened to the neuro figuring he rani into it more often. I hope all will be well now you are off of it.

 

I feel quite certain that you will be sharp and clear for more time to come.

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Betsy,

 

Four days after being released from the hospital for GI bleeding, I was rushed to the hospital with a heart attack, the first I have experienced. I went through several tests, including an angiogram which did not show any blockage in the four stents in my heart. I was fortunate as the attack was considered to be mild, possibly caused by a blockage to a small vein.

 

Following my stroke 13 years ago, I was put on coumadin and two years later after experiencing angina and the placement of heart stents, the coumadin was replaced with Plavix and baby aspirin. Having been on a blood thinner regime for so many years, the GI bleeding incident was not too much of a surprise and it appears more than coincidence that when the Plavix was stopped, I suffered a heart attack. It has been determined that going forward, I remain solely on baby aspirin as the less risky choice.

 

I consider myself lucky that after 10 years the stents remain  free of blockage and the heart attack not too serious. Messing with blood thinners is a craps game, but with an occlusive stroke there is little choice.

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Gosh now that's a scare! And you my friend just keep on going strong so there is good news! I am glad you made a full recovery!

I don't know what to think about the blood thinners or what to think about any of these meds. Sounds reasonable that a heart attack promptly upon discontinuing a blood thinner is suspiciously coincidental in my book too. But after the internal bleeding perhaps they worry too much that will be dangerous to go on a blood thinner like that again. How unfair it all is sometimes and what a dangblasted hassle

I hope that the aspirin does the trick and that you feel better soon.

Take care.

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