I know you have both been thru the wringer, and I'm glad to hear you are making the choice to help yourself, before it is too late.   Make yourself strong as you can Nancy, because in the end, we all need our strength to save ourselves with.   You have my prayers and cyber hugs.

Glad you have updated us.  I know from my 9 years on here that people do leave suddenly, just get sick of journalling mostly but I always worry for a while that there are other reasons too deep to blog about.  Yes and no about the changes, there are good times among the bad usually and some new insights into ourselves and how we deal with pain and suffering. And maybe a deeper love for our Significant Other too.

(((hugs))) from Sue.

Whatever makes you feel better, that's all that's important in the end.  Can't say you haven't done your time ;-) 

We try our best to act like martyrs and saints, but really, we're not.  I am so glad you're starting to figure it out, and have a bit of a life for yourself. 

I haven't been blogging either, sometimes it's all too much.  But when I have a few words of wisdom, I'll pop back in too.

I think writing about trying to move on is a great  topic to write about as well as all of the feelings you shared too. Thank you. And you are probably Dan's voice on here too. I am a stroke survivor and I am ready to move on too LOL oh so very ready to get on with new things instead of just doctors and therapy and those endless drug changes and pharmacy screw ups. It does take you life if it doesn't take your life. I too want to hear about something else, do something else, talk about something else. The other things I have to do but I so like to get involved with whatever used to be important before and sure why not something new. I get so tired of movies though but then again I am sorta grateful to be able to watch all these good ones and not so good ones that I only heard about and never had time to watch. I especially love it when someone watches with me and if there is hot cocoa and popcorn well that tops all. oh and forbidden butter kind.

So my thoughts are from my perspective that it is excellent you are at the move on stage and that you are doing acting on and making it happen. My guess is that it would probably be kiinda nice if that included Dan sometimes in the new adventures of fun. Where has that fun hidden in my life is what I want to know every day I wake up. I am worse than a kid now. Doing something new and interesting always chases away the blues for me. It is hard to be sad when I am curious and engaged in something. I think that is why I get mad sometimes. Anything but sad, I hear that.

Go escape too sometimes. Coffee sometimes tastes better at the cafe. Every one needs their own corner of time and space so go reclaim something or stake a new claim. I think you will bring new energy back into every room you enter when you feel shiny and new. For me I am ultra sensitive to people around me and I feel sad when others are because i feel responsible for that sadness. I know that one of us has to feel good and it most likely isn't gonna be me so I need people around me to feel whole and serene. I feed off that energy whether I know it or not. On the other hand I need to escape their negative energy or just get out and do like I used to do but now I need a whole lotta planning and someone there. That's ok part of the joy is anticipation so I want something to look for ward to.

Anyway I am glad you are back sharing and writing home again. I think it is all helpful and useful. for you and for us all. Even the little things. who knows what will be a jewel for someone. I find I talk more about movies I don't like than those I do like go figure.

Life is way too short to be stuck in the mud so if there is some way to bring in some fun, maybe not happiness, I am always grateful for that but that is because I love humor any kind.

Ok true story to bore you.

I was on some wild drug to make me sleep and it just made me feel so sad all I did was sob and then I was handed this silly stuffed giraffe that is round like a ball with a silly face. Little rollypolly giraffe like a ball you could catch with legs sticking out. like a kid's drawing just face with arms and legs sticking out. Anyway the thing made me laugh and yes I felt very high and so I laughed as hard as I had been crying. I laugh now thinking about it. Back then either due to drugs or my stroke area I was so emo and I still kinda am. Anyhow I know it was killing my family to see me suffer and be so weird and thank heavens I could count on our little clown in the family to come through with something to make me laugh. I know maybe some think that some trivial stupid thing can't begin to touch the deep feelings and reality of this and I totally agree believe me. you should see me in the middle of the night when this pain arrives like a vampire taking the life outta me. But maybe I am just a shallow material girl after all but having something to look forward to or having some nice soft blanket to snuggle in or something on my these are my favorite things song list, can help me.

Anyway that's just me.

I know you will find your way back. It is wonderful. do it guilt free because as you go along you will be bringing Dan along too in the journey moving on.

Part of the problem with dan is he doesn't anything but to be left alone.. I have made supreme efforts to take him places only to NOT be going anywhere outside the hotel we are in cause he decides he won't budge…lots of time, effort, money and tears have went into trying so very hard to give him memories - only to be rebuffed in a very cruel way.. So for me moving on is learning to leave him behind, in his precious bedroom where no one can bother him… "good lord is that a 3 yr old grandchild, i better be mean to him and scare him off cause i can't stand the noise" seems to be Dans M.O… I truly wish moving on included him , but by dans own choice(s) I am starting to leave him behind… I can't do the sadness anymore… No I am not leaving him, I will always take care of him but emotionally for my own sanity - which has become very unstable in this battle of the wills , I must learn a better balance or I truly fear I will not live beyond another year or two… I am 48, but I feel 148 easily…  The bible vow,s- till death do you part- never took into consideration the  extremes we have. No I am not leaving him in that way, but I am learning , Dan is sucking the life out of me… literally, he went three weeks refusing to get out of bed - except to shower and do a brief walk which could get really ugly forcing the issue…. and it takes 2 to walk him now as he has become so unstable…. It has always been my greatest wish to take dan on journeys but honestly the journey is gonna kill me and him if i attempt anymore… my thoughts may ( and they have in the past) change but for now…. he has pushed to many buttons and I am stuck in overdrive… I am doctoring right now trying to figure out what is wrong with me.. I am stuck in flight or fight constantly and can hardly breathe most of the time. Work has become almost impossible, I cry, can't sleep and missing my mom, who died for my family , running my errands when dan stroked… I just am so DONE -- stick a fork in me… LOL …… 

Oh honey - just praying light at the end of the tunnel, even if just a ray! Thank you so much for checking in. Yes, it has been a long time. And, at least for me, there are things I just have to let go, after many attempts to make a difference. It's not defeat, just acceptance.

Take care. Horrid time of year for you but I hope you can have some happiness this holiday season, even if just a nice Egg Nog, all bundled up on your deck watching the snow fall. Debbie

Nancy I am happy to hear you are doing things for yourself.  You know Dan is well taken care of and you do your best.  

Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving with your family.

Julie

Lord knows, you have done your very best to bring about positive change for Dan and for you. I agree with the approach you are taking now. There is no other one. Really, you must save yourself. I know you will always continue to provide Dan with the basic care he will accept. I fought and fought to keep Lauren moving and thinking and trying to recover. He wasn't as angry and uncooperative as Dan has been but the result was the same. Even in the nursing home I tried so hard at first to keep him up and moving. I've given up. I've finally decided that he doesn't need me to spend the later years of his life nagging him. So he spends a lot more time in bed than he should, he doesn't move at all. Hoyer lift gets him in and out of bed. There are consequences. We all know what they are. But I am helpless to alter them. Now, I am at peace with it. Thankfully, most stroke survivors do better than Dan and Lauren have done. Recovery is possible and happens often. Just not for our guys. It stinks but, as you so often say, it is what it is. I think of you often and do want to know how you are. Take care. ~~Donna

Dear, Dear Nancy,

Reading your blog brings flashbacks for sure. I remember sitting in a chair next to Bill one evening during the Christmas season. It was after the dementia had really taken hold. He had never been particularly communicative but by this time he basically would sit and "watch" TV. That left me to sit and watch TV too because from the time he had his first stroke he didn't feel save when I wasn't in site. The thought suddenly crossed my mind of how sad our life was. Here we had a beautiful home, but we weren't sharing it with anybody. I had reached the point of near exhaustion. For me to are for his needs plus do our holiday decorations and think about entertaining on top of it all was too much.

And so, I can so identify with you. I am so glad you are able to detach a little bit and take care of you. Treasure the good times.

~~Warm thoughts to you!

Nancy, your frustrations, depression and despair are both understandable and justified. However, I hope you don't let them consume you. At your age you are still young (you'll realize that in 20 years or so) and you therefore have a lot of living to do. What's more, you CAN live on, as can Dan very possibly. I don't know all the details of his situation but it occurs to me, at the risk of stating the obvious, that both he and you might benefit from counseling if you aren't getting any right now. Sometimes a separate set of eyes can see things that are lost on those standing closer to the picture. In any event, don't give up. As the old song goes, the darkest moment is just before dawn, or at least in many instances. Best wishes to you and Dan in finding the happiness that seems increasingly elusive.

Ron