So after the tension of yesterday i realized something. My day to day existence is just that..., i move from day to day with no real sense of anything. It's early now and my head is fairly clear so i can see how the passed couple of years has been for me. i worked, i worked thru the strokes, i worked until i couldn't work anymore and had to quit. It seems like there is nothing to look forward to except the next appointment with my doctor (and that's not much). I'm writing early because in a few hours i likely won't have the energy or clarity to get it out. I have just a few good hours, it seems, that i can be productive and then my head gets foggy and my energy fails me and then the day seems to pass by without me having any sense of it. And i feel like i should be happy that my strokes didn't leave any obvious physical problems. I look and walk normally. But when i talk i feel like a child and my thoughts are about as quick. In light of all of the challenges that other survivors are struggling with and trying to overcome i should feel blessed. But i don't. And i wonder... so what do i do now...?

I am 56 years old, and have lived a life that many would dream of. I was a musician and put myself through high school and university playing in bands and loving it. I travelled and worked around the world as a student and loved it. I taught anthropology and geology at university for about 15 years and loved it. I owned my own geological lab consulting to a scientists world wide. I lived in the north where i had my dream home and my family and nature and animals and freedom to breath, and loved it. I always lived my life based on passion for what i was doing and it seemed like so much, and i think i can truly appreciate it for what it was. And i wonder where it has all gone....

Am i grieving...? Can i capture and passion for life again...?

My cognitive therapist tested me in the 23rd percentile for short term memory and problem solving. That was a heck of a blow to my ego. I am strong physically but have absolutely no stamina or endurance. And my thinking is only clear for hours of a day (some days not even that). Now what...?

My last MRI showed the strokes but it also showed chronic microvascular ischemic changes and evidence of vascular disease. With my mental clarity being what it is now, am i dealing with the early stages of vascular dementia? It feels like it. And if so, what do i do now? Can i capture any of the passion for life and living that i once had? Or am i asking the wrong questions. Or am i just being impatient.

I'm thinking that i need to get my neurologist to refer me to a psychiatrist. Maybe my meds aren't working. Maybe a psychiatrist can further diagnose what is really going on in my head. After all that i have been able to do in my life, it is hard to imagine never having passion again or at least some level of enjoyment or satisfaction because now i don't really feel like i am living.

I have enough to live on (a roof over my head, warmth, and food) and this should be enough. My mother has always said 'having enough is abundance'... she's right of course but, without my mind and the ability to have any colour or joy it seems like i am just existing. I wish i could be more like my dogs... so happy and content just to be....

(to be continued...)

Dean