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I owe a blog - not just to everyone here- but to myself


nancyl

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I have been petty diligent about blogging until the last few months - life has taken a turn for me… I feel like I am living in a surreal world, - we know I don not have a brain tumor ( MRI done) - we know my blood work is messed up my liver enzymes are up and my kidney function is down… we know my thyroid is "normal". although I have many symptoms of a thyroid storm… I had a ultrasound of my liver done and i am set to have a ct scan of the liver when i get home. I and Dan are in AZ right now - with April, wade and weston… hoping the sun will help and it is… Dan is better, but I for lack of better words have "wrecked myself" - yes many of you have seen this coming… apparently stress is a powerful thing...

I have drank way to much - the sadness has consumed me. and now i am not really capable for a little while to care for dan in a effective fashion…. so we are looking at potential nursing home placement… Dan is a handful, April watched him for one day in AZ and it exhausted her… her and her hubby have no idea how i have been doing it.., Dan demands so much and is so particular and even mean - yes mean… his favorite is to mock anything i am doing, eating dressing, putting on makeup - like a 2 yr old he has found a area that hurts.. and he pokes the bear…. a lot…… and somewhere down the line i have fallen into a pit of dispair and can't let a leg up. so placement ( hopefully temporary) will maybe help with that . I need a soulful rest. The kind you can't get when hit on the head with a urinal to wake up.. or like last night dan had a BM in bed waking me at 1 am ( arghh - i was actually asleep) …. On the subject of sleep- i don't get much 4 hours at one time maybe…

I am doctoring with a homeopathic doc down here- actually 2 . both say stress - stress and more stress…. along with my councilor - yes people i finally had to see on of those…. I am a blubbering mess… i can't see, i feel like I am in a bubble …. I can have a conversation and 5 mins later it is like the conversation was a year ago.. I am breathless, with heart palpitations, i am in hyper vigilant mode all the time as one of the docs said… I am gonna post this before i lose it cause that is the way things go for me...

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so now i am adding to my blog…. I have spoken to dan - kinda preparing him for this… the kids are adamant about this… they are sure they are gonna lose their mother.. and i tend to agree with them at this point - death would not be undesired…. I just have nothing left, everything i do is intentional in terms of pushing myself to have a passion or goal… I am never in the moment any more although i only live in the moment - if that makes any sense at all…..I describe it like feeling literally drunk all the time. and i guess given the way my liver and kidneys are NOT functioning in harmony - i am drunk all the time on toxins… and being drunk when one docent want to be drunk is no fun… i have not drank alcohol in 2 weeks…. although the docs don't actually feel the alcohol is the culprit - they are sure it is stress…. and so they are detoxing me ( remember i am in AZ where homeopathic docs are popular and excepted ) and as part of the detox they told me any thing can be expected wired rashes, headaches - no two people are the same…I got a sty on my eye and it is a doozy…. and itchy everywhere… but still feel drunk……. dan has been concerned i can tell, he cares, but like a kid acts out inappropriately in reaction to it…. so i am resting and trying to take care of me… i have calls in to the only nursing home i will consider and have talked with insurance ref this potential nursing home placement for dan… I am gonna save this and post more under replies..

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my councilor from ND - and my boss has some input as well…. the councilor said i shattered years ago but was to busy to see i was broken ( from dans stroke and my moms subsequent death directly linked to the stroke- if you know me you know this) - anyhow i shattered and have been trying to put the pieces back together and they are not fitting…. like anything shattered it won't go back together . An i need to build an new nancy and accept who she may be… she might resemble the old a little but i need to understand the old nancy is gone… my boss added to this theory - called it Humptey Dumpty--- and truth that is who i am…. ( glad to have a terrific boss who gets it- but i totally feel like he has gotten the shaft a total kook…ME..)  

And something interesting i bought perfume - me -- know i never wore perfume ever cause i would get headaches from it.. all the suddens i like it… my daughter april is freaked out by this - she grew up with the no perfume rule… and now i bought some… I manage to dress nice and look decent enough and have even went on some trips to vegas with my friend and my sister…. but still the cloud of what to do about dan hangs…. I love him, he is my responsibility always will be.. And i am facing the possibility at least at this moment - he is perhaps better sever at a nursing home…. i was wittiness when dan had yet another UTI and was hospitalized again…. right before our AZ trip… rospheral ( spelling wrong i am sure) is on the hight end of the antibiotic spectrum- leaving little room for more antibiotic treatment in the future…but while in the hospital i made a intentional effort to not do everything…. and dan survived even ate their food… so given the current Mc Donals fettish that alone is better for him…. I have no answers… never have and write this as a log of our journey - but it might help someone - somewhere to know - this has been done - these are results… if i think of more I will add it , but for now it is what it is… most none of it good -- that is the description of my life

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I feel for you, Nancy.  Sounds like you think Dan would do better at a nursing home.  You probably are dealing with "guilt" feelings about what you need to do.  You know how flight attendants recommend you put your own oxygen mask on before helping others?  You're no good to others if you are incapacitated.  It's OK to take care of your own needs.  Also, are you on antidepressants?  Are you getting counseling? 

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Nancy, believe it or not, there is a silver lining.   It is that you finally see yourself and that you, also, need loving care and consideration.    Nancy matters!    We always knew that but now you are seeing it too.   Hang in there Nancy, you are doing the right things to go in the direction of making yourself whole again.    We see your struggle, and Nancy, we DO hurt where you hurt.   We are with you and are praying for you, don't forget that we see what you see, feel what you feel and hurt where you hurt.   Sending you love and prayers.

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Nancy, you have to come out of this whole.  Do what you have to do.  I hated putting Ray into respite and felt guilty if I did something he would have liked to do, BUT, it was so that I could live through the events of each day and somehow remain sane. That is part of taking your oxygen first, making sure that Nancy as well as Dan gets the best out of the day.

 

You need some TLC, some respite, some time off and some time out.  You have to give yourself permission to do it.  You have to chase the guilt monster out of the house and sit and relax and if that means Dan in care for a while then that is what needs to happen.

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Putting Dan in a facility for a while is a hard thing to do but sometimes we have to stop and think what is best for all parties involved! Nancy, you have to take care of yourself. What will happen to him if you are not here to look after his well being? Putting a loved one in a home for their well being as well as your own is not like putting them there because you don't care about them, it is completely the opposite! You need to understand that and accept it for what it is! You are doing the right thing and you should not feel guilty about it. You and Dan are always in my thoughts and I hope you know that even though we have never met in person I feel like you are one of my closest friends and I want to see you taking care of yourself! Get yourself some rest and if you need to talk just shoot me a message or you can even call me! 864-280-0248. Love ya Nancy, praying for the best for you and Dan!

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Thanks for the update, Nancy, as sad as it is to read. I have been thinking about you a lot. It is time, Nancy. I hope you will find the strength to lovingly place Dan in a proper place that can take care of him while you recover. From my experience, this will not be a short term thing. I hope you will think of it as "as long as is needed." It has taken me a year to get through the physical and emotional recovery (mostly physical). As to the guilt, it will be with you. None of us want this for our loved ones but there does come a point when you are not capable of doing alone what it will take multiple layers of people to accomplish in the nursing home. I'm so glad you have people in your court. Get healthy for your children and grandchildren--and YOU! Everyone, including Dan, will be better off for it. All my best wishes are for you as you figure out where to go from here. ~~Donna

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One day at a time, young lady.   You do what you have to do and if that means putting Dan in a facility so you can take care of yourself, then do it and don't let anyone or anything guilt you into doing otherwise.   Keeping you both in our prayers!

 

Sarah

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My daughter April has a saying--- you can take the good days, but you don't have to take ALL the days…still praying on my decision. I am still feeling lousy… tired and crying all the time.. knowing what is coming… hoping i am strong enough when the time comes… have made contacts to start the placement in motion…. lots of things gotta happen first to make this transition as smooth as possible….. i have heard back the docs are narrowing my health issues down to adrenal and thyroid autoimmune disorder.. kinda like hashimos -- still more test to be done.. yes i need more to take care of…. so no other big news tomorrow we fly home back to the fro zen tunda---- arghhh…….nancyl 

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>adrenal and thyroid autoimmune disorder

 

-Nancy, this is serious stuff.   Time to put all that experience at caregiving toward yourself, as it's going to take a lot of commitment to get well.    You are now in the patient mode.  It's up to you to co-operate with 'the caregiver' experience you have, if you will be able to recover.

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