Nancy, it would be nice if they had seen the problem, but Bob went straight in, got immediate diagnoses, and was sent for expert treatment by the nationally recognized stroke center that I thought we were so fortunate to live close to.   I believe he would be better off if they had not touched him.    the huge bleeder their treatment created lost his speech, vision and cognitive value.   Having just the physical would have left him much more whole.   I can't think about what they took from him or I can't breathe, so enough of that.   How will this SNH placement happen, and will they expect the money from the house sell, or does he have to be there for a year before they claim him as resident for real?

Dans stroke was secondary to a work injury -- he dissected his carotid artery at work and the stroke was a result of that injury - so his medical care is covered -  and I recognize the "luck" that is in terms of hey - at least you don't have his medical bills… correct my own are staggering -- the 900 plus for insurance i pay for my self and Beth plus then the whole deductible 4200 per person - what a racket the insurance companies got going.. and now the hospitals to…they very much are a retail facility now…. you need surgery - that'll be 2000.00 up front and 1000 per month payment -- who has that ? not me…  I am just scared -- all this change is got me plain out afraid of life….and I agree sandy thinking to much about the what ifs following our loved ones supposed care - really gets one going which is the whole reason - i never really touched it before.. and won't again… I am just ranting and going through the whole process - that "smarter " people did years ago ( like when it all hit the fan) no there was me lollygagging around thinking I can do this, I can fix this, i can pray hard, I can be a good wife, I can do this -- I can do this -- I can do this , a silly mantra that fooled me till one day i woke up and realized I am lost and scared and seem to have lost my mind…. no drug, in the world can cure me… I gotta just keep working through hoping I find my way back to reality…. ( like somehow i missed it cleaning my husband, changing briefs, wiping his chin, pushing the wheelchair, transferring him to and from everything…. somehow i missed the most obvious thing in the world --- that my world is broken…. 

Just a thot but is there a way for him to remain in his home and for you not to be the caretaker? Can someone else come in and do it?

Nancy, this is the month I actually have to choose insurance for me, to start Feb 1.   The really weird thing is when I go to anthem.com and check their doctor list, my doctor and my hosp (both 5 min away) are in their lists.  HOWEVER, when I put the small amount of info - my first name, my age, and insurance for just me - they show me 13 policies I can choose from.   I notice that there is a link at the top of THAT page, that says, 'show me my doctor'.   Oddly, when I put in his name, it returns with 'sorry, we don't see your doctor.  some doctors are only on some plans to save you money'.   well now.... how is making me pay for my doctor and hospital myself, because you didn't put them on one policy you showed me,saving ME money?   or did you mean it was saving anthem money...   $600 a month for the CHEAPEST plan, going up to $1000 - for just me - and none of them include my doc and hosp.   (remember both are in their lists of participants, just not on any plan they offer to ME).   

Nancy, you continue to be in my prayers. I know you feel broken and that things there are not bearable. You say you have a beautiful home with nothing of value inside. Wrong. You are inside and you are most valuable. I think Dan is still inside and he is valuable too. He just needs more help than you can give and he needs it from someone who is more detached from his behavior than you can be. You have said before that you see nursing home placement as failure (for yourself). There really are times when it's the best thing for the one who needs it. It is such a hard decision and one we never want to make. I can tell you that, for me, it was the right thing to do. I still hate it and wish it could be different. But it isn't different so the only thing I can do is make the best of the situation I'm in. That's what we've all done all along.

If there is any chance you could talk to an elder law attorney, I think it would help you sort out the financial concerns and develop a plan for the future. Perhaps you've already done this. This type of attorney knows the laws specific to your state and is aware of possibilities you may not have considered. I'd hate to see you sell your house if you can avoid it. I think you need someone with a clear head to help you develop a survival plan. You are in mourning and are physically ill as well as in emotional turmoil. None of us would be able to think clearly in the midst of all you are dealing with. 

Please, please, take care of yourself. ~~Donna

Nancy, sometimes choices are dictated by our own health.  It has been the case for a few of my friends. A  temporary care placement for Dan isneeded urgently in your case. No-one wants the caregiver to die before the one receiving the care so do what you have to do.  Just know it all comes at a HUGE price, there is no hard way, no easy way, it is all part and parcel of the same.

Start looking forward not back.  You cannot undo the past no matter how much you worry and rehash it, it is what it is, done and dusted.  You can only go forward, dry eyed and with a determined look on your face.  Life is grim sometimes.  You have been marching through the desert and the canyons where the sky is cloudy but remember Nancy my girl you can only see the stars in the dark hours of the night so start looking up. The answer is already there, you just have to keep walking towards it.

Nancy, I don't know what you are feeling inside I haven't had this kind of experience yet as survivor or care giver but I will say this, I am glad I was much older than you and Dan were when the stroke hit and my wife is just 11 years behind me... So perhaps we will have just a bit more time to deal with my stroke at my age now... A stroke is no joke and certainly is a life changer...

I sure don't want to ever go in a nursing home verses staying in my home until I'm gone and my wife knows that fact... She wants to stay working until age 70 so I hope I can hold on to make that a possibility for her if not she won't have it so bad by retiring earlier with our home paid off and she will get some benefits when I'm gone to help her survive a bit longer...

I hear what you are saying and I pray things work out for Dan and you!!!!

Nancy, it also took me close to four years to come to grips with what has happened too, and to accept that Ray and I are not really part of the "normal" world anymore.  It was a form of long term shock, which does protect you in some ways.  We sure tried though, didn't we?  I think a slow let down wasn't the worst thing, hey we got in our cruises and trips to NYC, and for that I will always be grateful.  We really wowed everyone, didn't we?

 So now the balloon deflates and here we are.  We did stay up in the stratosphere with lots of positive momentum though, it wasn't all bad.  Unfortunately it's time to pay the piper, bound to happen.  Don't look back is what I tell myself,, I truly believe we did the best we could and that's all anyone can ask of us.  Including ourselves!

Nancy: I have found, during this journey, that it is a very dynamic process. Things go along OK for a bit, but they never stay that way. You know I think you need to work on your own depression, one small step at a time and consider what is best for Dan and the family. The money issue is huge - that I know and yes, it has to factor in.

Baby steps and I agree, no sense in looking back. Why waste the energy? Always in my prayers and thoughts. Debbie

Sue, your posts about the stars reminded me of something I read from Rachel who created all those wonderful Shabby Chic shows back in the early 2000's maybe?    She had one catastrophy after another that just kept ruining her physically, emotionally and financially.   After so many things happened, one night her barn burned.   As she stood in the leftovers of the char wood, she looked up and later wrote something like, (not exact quote) 'the roof has burned off the bard, now I can see the stars".

Nancy, I am in tears with you reading this. I am praying for you. You are a strong & loving woman. You have every right to vent. I'm sending you light and positivity your way.

Hugs, Beth

Nancy, I am in tears with you reading this. I am praying for you. You are a strong & loving woman. You have every right to vent. I'm sending you light and positivity your way.

Hugs, Beth

I'm sorry. Don't know why it posted twice.