There Are Choices
Life is a collection of choices we make or allow other people to make for us, either way, consciously or not. Following my stroke I made a VERY conscious choice to not curl up and die, not to see myself or be seen in the world as disabled. I made the choice early on to live my life RE-ABLED. I'm often challenged to continue to be true to that choice because life post stroke has thrown me some nasty curve balls that, after eleven surgeries, have left me with constant pain in my back, arms, hands, shoulders...you get the picture. Even then, I brought a lot of that pain on myself by the choices I've made along the way. I didn't know how important it is, in my case was, to take special care to protect my "good side". Maybe I should have allowed myself to ask for a little more help. Maybe I should have reevaluated my capabilities post stroke rather than charging into everything as if I still had a completely functional body. I don't, so I often over compensated by getting the job done with half a body and with little if any consideration of the consequences.
My body is broken, my spirit is not. I have down days, certainly, especially when I'm alone like I am now. My beloved partner of 22 years is away for a week with her son and his family. It was my choice not to join them. As much as I hate being without her, I have always encouraged her to give up her mantel of caregiver, more her perception than mine, and go do...whatever. She needs time to NOT worry about me, to NOT concern herself with my needs. And I need my time and my space to do what I want to and to be with myself. It's difficult for sure because for some odd unknown reason when she is not around I feel more disabled even though I don't do things any differently than when she's home. Maybe It's just that I'm more aware of my limitations when I am alone. It's kind of a crazy thing, I'm absolutely capable of taking care of myself, but it's different when Carol is away. What's that about? I've got lots of time to think about it! But I still wholeheartedly believe that disabled is a state of being and re-abled is the act of doing. I choose to live re-abled daily, alone or not.
3 Comments
Recommended Comments