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Surviving vs Thriving


Pearls

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The way I look at it surviving is learning to live with half a life and thriving is living at full steam. so you are living at full steam one day and out of the blue boom you are taken down by "it". You are taken down in so many ways you can't even describe it. So you lean over pull up your boots and try to go on. i at a " soul level " i don't understand the attitude of OTs. everything is geared towards adapting to your new life, to learning how to survive. and they encourage you in this new way of looking at the world. They encourage you to do things no matter what the risk and to feel proud of all the clumsy attempts at being normal.. The first time i went to my closet and dressed myself without anyone assisting or watching out for me i fell into the ironing board and ended up prone on the floor tangled in the ironing board and iron and waited for hours for someone to find me. my OT thought this was wonderful because I "tried". Never-mind I could've broke my hip, or wrist or leg, or hit my head and had another bleed. Because of this I have been encouraged to do normal things no matter what the risk. Yesterday i picked up my dog and took her to the door squirming away in my one good arm to put her outside to go potty. Now a normal person should be able to do this with one good arm so why can't I. as i bent over to put her down my balance was off and I fell on my hip. i tried to remain calm and getup. my plan was to hold onto the wheelchair and get up on my knees and get up. I locked the wheelchair or so I thought i made it up only to have the wheelchair roll away from me and i fell a second time on my hip. the next time I tried to get up i had lost my strength. No matter how determined I was to get up it was not going to happen . Yes I could do it in therapy under perfect circumstances with a mat beneath me and not a hardwood floor. the normal people in the house thought i should be able to do it since I am getting stronger and I did it in therapy with a gait belt on. Often i know when my body can or can not do something, i know when my balance is off and I feel unstable but I keep getting told it is all in my head (yup) when I say I can't do something. today, I won't go into the whole story, but I tried to do laundry and ended up with a half gallon of liquid detergent, allover the floor and wall and closet door. i do not feel proud of myself for this. Why should I? yes, I can get by, I can survive but i Don't want to settle for survival. i want to thrive. no one encourages thriving. i know it is hard work and I work hard but i also need to listen to my own body and stop letting others push me to trying things my body is not ready for. Why doesn't anyone else "get it"? Frustrated. Am I rambling? Getting back to surviving and thriving. I have an overwhelming urge to be creative and no practical outlet. It is like I have this hurricane of creative energy inside of me waiting to be released, to express itself with no tools to do it. Guess I need to get out the coloring book again. I want to go and do and feel like I am in a straitjacket. There is a soul inside of me screaming to get out.

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I am not a survivor I am a caregiver and I see the same thing going on with my husband. He tries to thrive but knows his limits. He too get aggravated when pushed to do things he thinks he cannot do. The key word in my last sentence is "thinks". Whenever I ask him to try something new he always says he can't before he tries, this makes me angry so we have come to an agreement. If I ask him to do something he will try before he says he can't. If he is successful we celebrate, if he is not we work on it. Don't let yourself be pushed beyond what you know you can't do but always try. I never encourage him to do anything he is not comfortable doing unless I am there to help if he gets into trouble. Let them know you are willing to try but you need their support until you are confident in the tasks you are attempting. Good luck in your endeavor to thrive, I commend you for it!

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Pearl :

 

at our home it was opposite given choice my husband & family would have rolled me into cotton & stay on bed so that I will never get hurt again. The day I got rid of all the help at our home & started doing more for myself & our family. my confidence & my self esteem started rebuilding. More I did at homeit made me better in adaption & relaxed my family around me too. Yes first time when I try to do things with just one handed & limited vision it was difficult, but more I did it easier it got & now I m expert in doing things single handedly. I have strict intstructions to hubby no help unless I ask for help. It has served all of us very well in my recovery journey

 

Asha

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Pearl, sometimes we just need to change our way of doing it, and find we CAN do it.   I wonder why you have to carry the dog to go out?   Can't she walk and come to the door to go out on her own?    Just thinking of my dog that comes if she even thinks she hears the door open.

 

These little things make such a difference and keep independence, AND are used by the world at large, not just stroke people.   Consider the little packets of detergent that you just throw in, made for both washer and dishwasher.   Consider the throw in the dryer softener sheets, rather than liquid.    I use these, just because I'm like a bull in a china shop and drop things all the time.

 

I had a similar experience today, and I'm not a stroker!   I was coming out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee and a donut on a plate.   I tried to turn off the switch my elbow, and the donut started to slide on the plate.   I tried to use my coffee cup to lift the side of my plate and instead the donut sailed right over the cup and hit the floor with a heavy thud!   The coffee, having missed its mark, was still full of forward motion and coffee flew all over the floor, my clothes/feet, and half way up the pantry doors.   I wasn't very pleasant while cleaning that up, tee, hee.

 

Long before hubby's stroke, I developed health problems that made me weak and crotchety.    I put a stool in my closet so I could sit on it and put my socks & shoes on, as the bed was higher, which made it all more difficult to reach.  

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I watched Ray with the same frustration as you but not with the will you have to survive and thrive.  I became his enabler in order for him to do more, so as I did more he did less.  Was I right or wrong?  I don't know.  I just wanted him to thrive.  I want you to thrive also, so take it slow, make the effort, reap the reward.  I pray that it is the way it will happen for you.

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I think you are very ambitious pearls and I think ending up on the floor is not a good idea. unless you are learning to skate the try argument is lost on me when the ground is involved. I AGREE it is dangerous.

 

 

 

Create is the most powerful force. We want a meaningful life and to do that we have to feel we are contributing someplace doing something...creating. I hope you will fearlessly find where you will create or at least enjoy the journey searching. 

 

I hear you pearls and I so know the frustration of being told to accept and then to try. You are trying plenty. The problem is that what if there are really things that CAN'T.  And what if those things stay. What about all the people pushing for the perfection of the former me? What does it say about me if I still can't? Is my fear of all this trying really because there are things that I can't now and maybe forever and will that be OK with everyone?  Or will I be the biggest failure at stroke recovery too.  So I just say lay off and let me do what I want to do when I want to do it because no one on earth is more in a hurry to get rid of these cheerleaders than I am.

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Sue, i feel that there is a difference between enabling and being kind. My OT thinks I should totally dress myself no matter how difficult the struggle or how inept I am. my dh wouls stand there and watch me scream, and growl and cry. Thinking he was helping me. i talked with a different OT who helped us sort it out. If i am having a difficult day i ask for help. He does not do everything but sometimes a small assist makes the difference between a raging frustration and feeling good about yourself. We are both happier. Can i go it alone? Sometimes but not all the time. What i may or may not be missing in skills i have gained tenfold in dignity. I learn better when i can maintain some dignity. That to me is important. if it worked for you and hubby that is what counts. Now that I have said all that , it occurs to me that one of the differences between surviving vs thriving is dignity. If I am in survival mode I will crawl, eat food off of the floor, whatever it takes to stay alive. I also will sacrifice all human dignity. Thriving allows me to hold onto my dignity and feel and live like a full person. I would rather live with a touch of kindness. Going thru a stroke is difficult enough. We don't need boot camp on top of everything else. We also need love and that includes learning to love yourself again.

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