dog chasing her tail
Entry posted by nancyl
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As some of you know ( probably everyone who has read my blog ) - After Dans catastrophic stroke 4 years ago, I have done and tried everything in our power and budget... Researched as much as I could get my hands. Prayed, pushed, cried , and tried to" will" my husband all better. It did not work out, at all. Sadly I finally relinquished Dan to the nursing home. And that is not easy( nothing has been for the last 4 years.
Almost a year ago I started to go manic- I had no idea, I had entered a manic stage. for the most part no one could tell except family. Even family could not figure it out. But in late November it became obvious to family as I had taken some pills - and wasn't right. I have a girlfriend who is in the medical field. She came and seen me. I was not myself, but didn't need any medical emergency intervention. I wish I had gotten that intervention that night, it would have put me on the looong road to mental wellness. Hindsight 20/20, right?
every doctor I seen gave me the same old, you are stressed go home and rest. Really , manic people are always moving and have racing thoughts. I felt like I was on a amusement park ride. Sleep I had no idea what that was.. and self medicating with alcohol is not a good thing, but without it I could not sleep. So then I would go back to the doctors same issues - was completely honest with them. And still nothing - what I needed was a referral to a psychiatrist . But I would get scrip after script for antidepressants I tried them and they made me worse. I just kept spinning and crying. Finally I either had to no longer live. The pain of mental illness is excruciating . For me it was like a 24hr/7 days a week panic attack for 5 months. It wasn't so much I wanted to die - I just didn't want to live anymore. And all the people in my world made no difference. It is weird looking back, I seriously had "nothing" of value that tied me to this world. The whole, think of the kids,and lots of people care about you was not the deterrent we all assume it is.
Finally it was either I die or go to a mental hospital. So I chose the mental hospital in a last ditch effort. Glad I did. I finally found a doctor who knew what was wrong. And the correct med to help remedy it. I now take amytriptiline to help slow the spin. but I also needed sleep . And every drug in the book did not help me. So we moved to the class of drugs of antipsychotics. Yes that got me to sleep. Hooray ! I had dreams again. I hadn't had any dreams for at least a year. Probably more.
It has been 12 weeks of medications get me to the point I am at right now. I still can fade out of reality, I get a detached feeling from this world. Like a third person. That particular symptom has plagued me for a long time. So it will take a long time leaving. It is better - way better. I don't have the constant panic attack, but still do get them. The meds will continue to help me, along with counseling.Oddly we took dan off lamictal and now i take it. lamictal and lithium are about the only drugs - " out there" that can help stabilize moods.
Moods - the root of depression. certainly as time goes on I can see that it really is mood . So when racing or dark thought of utter despair come knocking - I have to try and grasp a new thought -quickly-. And that is not easy, because a dark thought also brings the anxiety. I am like a go chasing my tail.
A lot of my issue is worry about Dan. Have I done right by him.... Yes I have. More than most but not as much as some. And I am so self critical that I am literally a "bully to myself". everything I do I criticize.
I cry at the nursing home daily - for Dan, for his loss of his - well- everything . This was a man, who if there was a hell designed specifically for him he is "in it". Loss of mobility, having to have " cares done" being dependent on others, for every thing and then not have the "voice" to even tell people what he wants. So the good staff will pay charades of what is he wants. and the staff who are lesser will be a bit passive aggressive with him. and or just walk out.
Correcting staff is like sending the steak back at a restaurant . The problem will do that one extra thing to *beep* dan off. Now Dan is not raging at them. But he is very OCD. and just can't stand certain things. Mostly because he has no control in his world, so he controls the few things he can.
And Dans OCD is agonising - FOR EVERYONE.. Dan is getting as good of care as a nursing home can provide. But I have learned to lower my standards. by a LOT. I had to lower my standarrds or I couldn't see him.
I am working - thank goodness. My poor boss. Liked me enough that he has been waiting for the return of "nancy" well nancy is back, but she is still the dog licking her wounds.
The big house sold in 8 days - I had 2 offers- I chose the family with kids.. the remodeling of the new house is taking forever.... But hurrying a contractor is like - sending that steak back.
So for now my sister and I live in my daughters basement- good thing it is a nice basement..lol
My sister moved here from CO to be here for me. She picks up the slack, sees dan if I can't. plays grandma- although Weston is not being for good about it.. He has become attached to mom and dad. Cause this grandma ( me) lost her mind a year ago or so. and I lost the special connection I had with him.
So that is my life in a nutshell ( pun intended). I will continue with my medication and therapy. And although I wish I could kept caring for Dan at home - I can't. And to be honest, I don't want to anymore. The price that was paid was to great. The nursing home is where he needs to be... sad but true and of course he still goes for outings - of which instead of the old tantrums while out, he actually appreciates. He has been very appreciative. Which makes me feel guilty. And so the dog chases her tail... Some day - I might catch it...lol.
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