To many of you who have helped me over my obstacle I say THANK YOU. Of course there has been many obstacles. I am referring to two . One placing Dan in the nursing home and two my depression.I am unsure which is/was the hardest. I take meds - thank goodness for them , undoubtedly I would be dead if I didnt have the medication available . I seem to have more good days than bad. I also need to be conscience of mania. The kids all know to be on the alert for it. It is sorta humiliating having to ask permission to do ( what ever) if it involves money. I have to ask. For now that is OK.

Dan continue to of well at the nursing home. Where I used to be ubber caregiver I am now not even able to do one more thing for him.. like a runner who is "done" I am confident I will regain that ability. I love him of course, but his obsessive behavior is something I can not deal with. Put the curtain at a certain placement, the blinds ( of course ) the bathroom door shut ,light off and the fan - that is the worst, placement of the fan in a exact position is more than I can handle . Of course I will do one of two of his requests but when he gets going on the " compulsive " I simply leave. I quit doing the tasks and tell him I am leaving, good bye. And I leave, he knows why. I leave pretty upset and of course dan is upset. Neither to the point of crying, but knowing our life was not supposed to turn out this way. But the stroke net motto " It is what it is." Has more truth ,than one who first hears the phrase for the first time. Yesterday i went and seen my brother who lives about 100 miles away. It was a absolute spure of the moment type of decision. I never had the luxury - really ever. I raised kids at a early age myself. Baby raising a baby applies to me for sure. But I managed and did a great job. that i say with confidence , but I had a great mom - so I had big shoes. so i raised the kids got to the point I / we could finally have a grown up life. Bam - here was the stroke. For Dan it was lethal in many ways. He is no longer who he was. He is different the brain damage was profound... Dan of old ,is gone. Took me 4 years to figure that out. the kids figured it out much sooner . And they used to say. Mom that is not dad. And so the person Dan is gone. And what is left is difficult to understand - he looks like my husband - but this is not my husband. And please people - DO NOT think I am in any way saying a stroke does this to all survivors. Our situation - is - Well- it is what it is... I will not abandon Dan but I am chord to live a life with out him in it every moment of every day as I did for the past year. Even when i "gone" I wasn't gone. I called home often to the kids and checked on him. i micro managed his care on the phone.. Now I let the nursing home make the decisions. My instruction to them has been follow your protocol , and the relief is huge. yes i am a case of caregiver gone wild. i mean who marches through 4 years with blinders on. Apparently me. Revelations of who I am , has been hard fought. I do want life , i want to work I want to have fun, i want to enjoy my kids and grandkids, I want to be able to spontaneously go and see family or a friend or - what ever. Guilt ? I have tons of it, tons and tons of it. I am trying hard to shrug it off as I move forward to my " new" life. I did as i have said before - i kicked of the man who was drowning me. My job as a life guard has failed. But my intentions were good. But I got in over my head. But have broken the surface. And there is oxygen, above the stifling caregiving. Do not get me wrong I see many people every day who care give it is the most noble thing one can do. Unless you let caregiving define your entire life. I cared so much, I ended up in a mental institution for 5 weeks. Whoa, partner- do have any idea how sick one has to be to end up in a place like that? But I am glad to say - I am better - but very guarded to say that. After all depression can just show up - no warning but - just there. It filters in to all of a person. Finally it over takes ones life. Then once you realize it has taken over your life. You go to doctors to seek answer, the trow a bottle pills at you and tell you to relax - is just street. Relax and caregiving not even a possibility. You start to think of ways to alleviate the pain, depression is the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. And every bit is YOUR OWN brain betraying you. Suicide becomes a viable solution. You just want the pain of life to end. It is not that you want to die, but you just don't wanna live feeling like this. No truer words for me, has ever been uttered. But I am better at least of now, this moment in my life. And that is all any of us can ask for....