I have been sitting here at work trying to write this blog, but I keep changing it. First, I was writing about how lost I feel. However, the more I wrote the more I dug into my feelings and I realized how lonely I am. I have never felt this lonely around the holiday season before. Even last year after my strokes I don't remember feeling this way. What do the Lonely Do at Christmas? How do I step out to find more people? Will I ever get married or pretend to be a long term relationship again? But how in the world did I get here to feel this way?

I might have also hit another state of denial/depression. Denial with dealing with my strokes. I know I had them but it's like ok whatever it was so long ago, get over it. Yet it's only been a year! Depression has always been a battle in my life and my current situations isn't helping it. I don't want to go to my doctor. Every time I see her it's like starting over again with almost everything and at every visit. I see other specialist yet they know who I am and do a really good job at reading my chart before seeing me. This doctor is my new primary doctor and she is an internist. I had to find a new primary because my old doctor was going to another practice far away.

Before I left for my cruise my right eye was itching and I scared myself thinking I had pink eye. Webmd Symptom checker is not every helpful at times. Any who, I didn't have pink eye, but my doctor increased my blood pressure medication before looking at my eye! Then she told me I needed to go see my ophthalmologist to make sure my eye didn't have anything else going on with it. Last time she sent me to another doctor he looked at me and was like why are you here? I have an enlarged thyroid and I have an endocrinologist who never said I needed to see a surgeon for my thyroid. So I didn't go to the eye doctor. I hate the why are you here questions and looks. While also seeing my doctor, she will sometimes have another doctor see me. That's fine, but they could use some bedside manner. The last one was ok, but she put on the health record that I had Lupus before my test results came back in. All my test came back negative. I don't have Lupus. I see my endocrinologist Thursday and I have a feeling my A1C test is not going to be lower than my last one. Besides my eating habits, I have to work on my stress level. I know it affects my sugar levels.

Besides feeling lonely, sad, depressed, I am not sure how to deal with my living situation. As I had blogged before my son, ex and his granddad are living with me. They haven't done anything, and I enjoy having more time with him, but an ex is an ex for a reason. Then there has been the ongoing battle with my condo in getting our roof replaced and my ceilings fixed. They want to increase my condo fee by 3%, then also put on a special assessment fee for the next three years. Only problem is everyone is not paying their condo fee's. Now that theya re going up not sure if those who are paying can afford the new fee's? What happens to the ones that are not paying now? The lawyer we hired to go after them has disappeared. What do I do now? I am close to not having a home and I am so done with this place. I am hoping with the new development up the street that someone will want to buy my place at a good price so I can move out in to a home that is all mine and not attached to someone else and has a backyard.

But for now, I guess I will go back to work...