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Just some random thoughts

scottm

Entry posted by scottm

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It has been a thoughtful day today, mainly because the lab screwed up my INR so I'm stuck monitoring my blood pressure hourly to make sure I'm not bleeding internally. I could be mad at them I suppose but it wouldn't change anything...besides, my cardiologists PA will perform that task for me in her particularly savage way. LOL

 

At Thanksgiving I was talking with my sons father-in-law. At one point when my daughter-in-law was explaining (she is a nurse practitioner) that all the doctors are amazed not just that I survived but that my deficits are not more severe. His observation was "you obviously survived for a reason, you have unfinished business". I am still pondering that...

 

I've written about the first few days before but I'm just now coming to understand something about myself. When I first woke up in ICU and sort of looked around it was as if only now existed. When my wife was explaining what had happened I remember thinking "this is interesting". I remember that I had no past at that point and for most of a month after. Everything was now and I had a clean slate, no baggage. Now I can recall most of my life with some largish holes. The stroke seems to have acted as a crucible and remade me into something else, a better version of my old self I'd like to think.

 

Relearning all the skills I mastered by the age of 2 was an interesting if difficult exercise.

 

When you are in your fifties and need to be toilet trained again, you no longer feel any form of embarrassment about anything to do with your body.

 

Is there any medical professional in my city who hasn't seen me naked?

 

Getting a sponge bath from that hot nurse isn't really that exciting when you don't really have a grasp on your surroundings or yourself for that matter.

 

Grieve in whatever way seems right to you, then put on your big boy pants. Your family had a stroke too and they need you. They can't be strong if you aren't.

 

Wishing it weren't so won't make your brain all better.

 

Embrace your new reality, it is different, frustrating, maddening and full wonder. Explore it, explore yourself and find your inner warrior who won't fold up because having a stroke sucks. Yes it does suck, but it is the hand you were dealt and only you can decide how to play it.

 

I'm not sure why I felt the need to go into all that...but I do feel better for having done so for some reason. I'll chalk it up to an electrical storm inside my skull. :wacko:

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Jayallen

Wow scott I feel better that you wrote all that, I tbi k many of us have hd those same thoughts and struggles

The new reality is different.

The new normal, canead to moments of frustrating, and I cibx myself slip into a brief pitty party. Asking is this as good as it gets?

I had ti augh about the lack of embarrassment. Is there any medical professionals that hasn't seen you naked.

A d the cute young aide givibg the spiibge vath ir cleaning up your accident because nobody could ssist me to the bathroom

Thanks for sharing NY friend be well

Jay

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HostAsha

Scott :

 

I love love your blog it took me atleast year to grieve over my losses, but like you now I m appreciating & enjoying life to fullest. love your sense of humor.

 

Asha

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SassyBetsy

I was very calm and peaceful. I though5 in a minute the big one is going to come and I will die and the thought was as easy as Ordering a sandwich.

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scottm

I was very calm and peaceful. I though5 in a minute the big one is going to come and I will die and the thought was as easy as Ordering a sandwich.

I remember moving in a tunnel until I came to a place where my body lay and making the decision to go back, my wife needed me to come back. To continue would just require me to let go. You're right, the sense of peace was very strong, it pushed everything else away. Near death experience or just brain cells giving a death cry as they became oxygen starved? I don't know but it was very powerful and real to me and became a piece of who I am now.

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SassyBetsy

Thank you so much for your words. They are for all of us.

 

We can do this until it is our time. In the meantime we have learned to shed our pride and modesty and embrace transparent authentic human expe

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SassyBetsy

Thank you for your words. They are for all of us.We can do this until it is our time. In the meantime we are heroes for what we endure and what the purpose is may not be clear, but our lives mingle with so many now and who knows ...

 

But we know one secret and that is that stressful things are not that important when compared to pain. Perhaps through pain's eyes can we decode things.

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SassyBetsy

You are so right that the experience Has changed me too. I believe it is the brain thing that opens up sensitivity to spirituality. It has to be experienced to know. I was called back by my daughter and it was my worry for my kids that I fought going yet.

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