Rant, hurt feelings I guess.
Entry posted by scottm
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Trying to explain the aftermath of a stroke to normal folks is difficult. It gets even more so when they have preconceptions or just don't want to understand how reality is a matter of perception. Trying to explain how vertigo is an ever present but controlled companion who sometimes gets unruly to someone who's response is "yea, I get dizzy sometimes" makes you wonder why you bother, they are incapable of understanding.
I recently found myself explaining my slow typing skills to one of my 20-something acquaintances who perceives typing that slow as a sign of mental weakness. The "oh, you had a stroke" like they are talking to a child. Another who sees my aphasia as a sign that my intellect is damaged. Neither can comprehend the aftermath of a brain injury and the myriad ways it affects us. They can't comprehend that the guy who types so slowly wrote all the code they support now. But my brain is broken so it doesn't matter
How could they understand:
- The hand touching my arm that feels like a branding iron while if you touch my back I would never feel it. The draft of cold air from the office A/C that feels like a mix of liquid fire and ice at the same time. Summer in Florida and I'm wearing a flannel shirt to protect my arm from a pain that only exists in my brain
- Does that sunbeam on your arm or face feel nice? To me it feels like someone flaying me, a pain they hopefully never get to experience.
- And the pain that spasticity causes my right side, I live on muscle relaxers, they wouldn't like the maintenance regime
- And the speech pathology, you know there is a word, there really is, somewhere but you can't locate it, you just stand there in silence seeking that one word. If your lucky another similar word comes along and you grab it like a lifeline.
- Over-stimulation. You never get to go to the movie theater again. 'nuff said
So yes, I'm the guy who used to be smart but now is too stupid to talk right, can't type and if too many of you talk at once I don't understand.
But know this, most of us didn't have our base intelligence affected by the stroke. We think differently and probably slower than we used to. You have direct neural pathways, ours are more like a construction zone with detours and bypasses to get from one point to another. It takes more work than most can imagine to get our thoughts flowing and to keep them flowing. And yes, I did write all the code that you my employee use to troubleshoot the network. But trying to educate you has proven to be an exercise in futility, I'll just be content to hope you never have to get on this ride, you couldn't handle it.
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