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Reality Check


HostTracy

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I did something I wish I had not yesterday. It started with a Dr. appointment to an ENT due to chronic hoarseness, ear, and throat pain I have been having since January. Seems my asthma inhaler (has a steroid in it) has caused a yeast infection(thrush) on my vocal cords and folds and will probably only need a script for Diflucan. Then I got in my car and drove to where I used to live last year. I got out of the car...knocked on the door...and Adrian answered and invited me in. For those of you that don't know Adrian was the man I had lived with and loved for 10 years until May 18, 2017. Adrian began seeing a girl 30 years his junior, I freaked and had moved out that same week, the next day she moved in, and I have been recovering and mourning since. Today I know in my heart that it is over for the best. But I Drove there. We chatted for about 15 minutes and I said goodbye and left. I have been in a state of confusion since. Emotions washing over me. I don't know why I went. I feel like I have walked backwards a bit. This life is about me...that is where I have wanted it since I left. My insides are nauseous. I am disappointed in myself. I am worthy of someone truly loving me. I deserve no less.  I can make it by myself. I should love me first. I know these realities are true even if I am telling myself again.

 

I also noticed somethings today not connected wit the words above. I am dizzy...all the time...I have learned very well how to mask this even to myself. I go into a store and I am working non stop to go through the motions and never acknowledging that I am dizzy. It exhausts me...it changes me for the rest of my day. I can honestly feel not dizzy when I am sitting in a quiet familiar place or lying down. I can't look up, around, far away, down, at moving people...things, lights flickering or moving, walk up or down any stairs alternating feet or without holding a handrail, be or walk in open spaces or large spaces and many many more without vertigo/dizziness, sometimes nausea, many times wit an altered since of stability, feeling my brain slow, lull, get heavier as well as my eyes. It's so constant that I have learned over time how to cope and get through it. It's not the same plane I used to be on. It's alternate, changed, hard work... Depressing. I can't change it. I can't avoid it. I can't escape it. I have learned to be in it. For my sanity as well as for others. I felt it today. It's the loneliest feeling...like I'm separated from my world by glass. I can see and sense all past the glass but no one else can see in. Alone is scary. Do any of you ever feel this disconnect or something similar?

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I got that way for a year or so after Ray died, I put it down to anxiety attacks. It passed after a while. It could also be related to the stroke in your case. You might mention it to your doctor, maybe there's a solution. In my case it was easier once I got my head around being alone. I rarely get that now.

 

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My vertigo absolutely comes from my stroke. I work really hard to exist within it 90% of the time. Some moments though I become very aware. My training has taught me to ignore this feeling and fight through it. If I don't acknowledge it then I have more control at least in my head. Sometimes I pay attention and reality creeps in. I probably nap on those days. It's exhausting for my mind to keep up with this. I know it's my body's way of telling me "it's time to rest your brain" and I do listen even if the people I love say that I shouldn't sleep during the day. That I should get up and do something fun. I feel guilty sometimes when I do what my mind says and rest. I don't know if I'm just angry at the stroke for this issue, or angry with myself for not doing better, trying harder, keeping control. I do know that when I'm really honest with myself...I spend 90 % of every day using all the coping mechanisms I have been taught through therapy to feel in balance. When that breaks and I feel it, it's nauseating (physically) and so in my face and I know everyone around me doesn't feel it. I just don't like my feelings at those moments. I'm so sorry for the book...I feel the need to let it out. Thank you.

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It all makes sense to me. I too have dizziness,vertigo, stroke vestibular stuff, so I live in it too. I feel the same because no one knows how hard it is to walk around, how patterns set it off. I endure it, but I also tell my docs about it so they monitor it, as it can be alerting symptom of stroke or cardio stuff going on. But for 3 years I have danced on the carousel as it turns, balancing, interacting with people sometimes as their face floated around in front of me. It is surreal sometimes. It comes and goes, unpredictable but a constant in my existence.  I hear you,see you.

 

Be careful driving. In fact, this is one reason I cannot drive anymore, but it has improved from the days when I could not look out the window of a moving car without getting physically nauseous. 

 

And I do not think you took a step back, when you visited the past, it was only a stop needed on your journey forward. What did you learn, how did you grow, what do you want, what will you do. It sounds like some things are unresolved for you, perhaps you want him back and will fight for your prize, or maybe you changed your mind about what the reward is, perhaps closure and moving on. But you can decide, no guilt or pressure because only you know what is right for your life. Except of course never tolerate abuse no matter how the heart screams lovey stuff. The heart just wants love, and will be satisfied with another lover.

 

Your photo is a beautiful woman, caring,articulate,and a great package gift for another, if you choose that. There are friendships too, out there in the world, here online,  never alone.

But I understand everything you wrote. I lived it,I live it, and  I know.

 

You are a survivor, strength is in you. You will sort this out.

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Pam you have just touched my soul. I feel validated even if it makes me weep. I talked with my mom today and she is my biggest support. I told her about my post not for advice I just needed to feel her understand me. My mom responded by telling me "oh no you shouldn't lay down and disconnect, that's when you need to get out and do something fun....don't let those feelings get a hold of you". I know she means to motivate me and her answer is from her heart because she loves me. She doesn't understand. I can't help her hear me. It is my reality not my depression over things. It is physical...and I am not in control of it at times. It exhausts me to actively engage this phenomenon on a constant never-ending basis and along with my usual post stroke fatigue this can physically break my limit. I know that I do need to disconnect, rest, nap for my brains sake. The people who love me in my world cannot wrap their understanding around this fact. No I don't need to get out and do something fun. I need solitude, quiet, sleep. That doesn't come from a lazy part of me but many think it does. I wish you didn't understand Pam... I say that in a positive light.

Visiting my past was scary and it made me feel weak at the beginning. I missed the connection we once had and the joy I felt during. I have learned that my journey needs to move past that time in my life...That I want to heal the wound for me. I plan to continue moving toward my independence and loving myself. I pray one day that love does walk back into my life...but I want to be ok even if I am by myself. Thank you Pam for seeing.

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Sue thank you so much for reading and always offering wonderful advice. I am forever grateful that you don't understand...I also mean this in the most positive way. Hugs.

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I know I don't understand, only another stroke survivor who has similar symptoms can. And unfortunately fewer and fewer of them are reading the blogs  and posting comments now. That is why sometimes I just say: " (((hugs))).

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yes. All to well. Most people assume it is Depression or laziness.  It isn't but that is what most people automatically think of when you see a person who needs to always nap or lay in bed all day. I have to do just that and though I know I have to listen to my body, we are always conditioned that resting like that is lazy or depression. It's hard to live in the "land of the living" when we have to spend most ,if not all, of the day inside. That is a reality check that I'm not a fan of. It's something that is hard to try to explain to people. It's like explaining the color of purple to someone that has never seen before. It is extremely frustrating. Sensory overload is also something that is hard to explain to someone that has never had it. I can tell them its like a million people talking to you at the same time while asking me to read different things all at once, But even still that doesn't completely explain it. And people I'm with don't understand and try to get me motivational talks and then I feel bad for asking to go home after 5 mins of being there so I try to suck it up and do it. Then either later that day or the next I'm laying in bed, my head feels like it's going to split, my eyes feel like they are jumping around. I'm mentally tied. Not physically tired. That is a whole different kind of tired I can't convey to anyone .  Luckily, people in my family are in the medical field and 'get it'. But if I were wanting to get a job one day or date, having to explain this to someone and not appear like I'm "milking it" ( as I'm referred to sometimes) .  Gurl.... I get it 

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Kelli I am giving you a tearful virtual hug right now. I feel such relief which is confusing. I think from feeling not alone. That in no way means I am glad about how either of us got here. But to feel validated, to know that another sees me means so much. Tonight I shared this post I made with my stroke support group and the entire group totally got it and many really related. I felt so blessed at that moment. We all thanked each other's understanding...I think we all felt a bond that amazes me. I find this here as well. Sue you are in that bond too. I am hugging all of you. Through tears. I am truly moved...Thank you and all of you so much.

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18 hours ago, HostSue said:

I know I don't understand, only another stroke survivor who has similar symptoms can. And unfortunately fewer and fewer of them are reading the blogs  and posting comments now. That is why sometimes I just say: " (((hugs))).

Sue I am hoping that other members of my stroke group will venture in. I gave them all the web address and told them how I love it. 🙂 So maybe we may get some new people here. I hope they decide to venture in

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Tracy :

 

Since I don't have vertigo issues like you & kelli have, I can't even imagine what are your daily struggles. No two strokes are alike , so r symptoms or recovery. All we can do is play cards we are dealt with best of our ability, So I am sorry if I can't give better support I can only give you virtual hugs & spiritual pep talk. BTW I understand why you visited Adrian, but I think its time to move on & start building your new life, you never know  something will better come out of this new window of opportunity, no need to go backward, its time march on forward with new you" best is yet to come"

 

Asha

 

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