Invisible, and Ice cream, and other I's
Yesterday was Ice cream social day, so they brought waffle cones and your choice of 3 kinds of ice cream. The rocky road order never came so we were short. I picked butter pecan and coffee. I was so appreciative because I was coming off a fast that ended at lunchtime when I got back from a stress test at the hospital.
And I wished outloud to the activity director who served the waffle cone that whipped topping would make it perfect. The director was inspired and said she would buy the waffle bowls instead of cones and bring whipped cream with a cherry on top next time!! I wish it was ice cream day more than once a month, but I bit my lip.löl
I have been radio active, well, I went through a chemical stress test. I was exhausted functioning on few hours of sleep, so I did not catch it that I was dropped off at the wrong building. So I tried to walk over, got half way, then I was calling for help, and a passerby also walking near me paused asking how can I help, which got the attention of security when a few people paused to look at me. A blessed hospital volunteer came with a wheelchair. I was thankful the Calvary arrived but I was ashamed I was short of breath, dizzy,and not steady on my feet. I am good for short walks only. And anxiety will increase the rest of symptoms. Another trigger is being outside.
They kept asking if someone was with me. This is unusual I said, and cursed myself for not paying attention to my driver's mistake.
I doze off in the scanner for 15 minutes, grateful that an I V light made getting an IV quick and painless on my usually hard stick rolling veins that look closer than they appear. I have horror stories about that,.but not today. Getting up on the scanner was hard because I was reeling in that room, bright lights,which they dimmed for me,and I still had symptoms,lack of sleep, I had involuntary hand shake so they said hold still, but my body would do a jerk. I peeed a little from the ordeal of climbing on the scanner. I had to ask for step stool, I cannot climb, it feels like I am really high off ground.
Then I walked to another room for the doc to administer the the dye stuff. Weird feeling a minute just like they warned, but I was able to walk to cafe to get ice for the coke I brought. But when I walked out, the room was spinning, my leg was cutting out, and I had chest pains radiating shoulder pains,and a feeling of panic, as I cried out oh I need help, can someone help me. I was exiting the cafe at lunch time to the main corridor of the hospital, so people looked at me, and heard me, and ignored me. I presented them a problem they never thought about before, and in a culture where people walk and talk on some device, I was just ordinary sight. So I sat quickly, was able to pour the caffeine drink they said was antidote into my sipper, and I called out for someone to help me because my chest pain burned and every breath was stuck inside. Did they think I needed help pouring the coke? So then I waved and tried to make eye contact. People look off into space. Even people sitting and standing around me did not notice a grown woman holding her sipper and her chest, teary eyed saying can someone please help me. WTI? Another white coat was passing so I gave it my all, and after I explained he said do you want to go to the ER??
So after I sent him to look for the nuclear med stress test room and staff, he came back saying he had wandered around,even asked about, and he could not locate anyone. I thanked him and he said what is your plan, and when I said when the 45 min lunch eating time for me is done and I do not show up, then perhaps they will return to get me. He wisely determined that was not a very good plan he gently advised. I complained how I was keeping him from the food in his hand, had sent him walking the halls and I hated to be more of a bother, but inside the fear and pain was evident to him even while I thanked him. He walked down the hall to info desk, and eventually he brougt the familiar nurse and technician with a wheelchair. God bless that man named Kit, that is all I got when looking at his badge. He wore a white coat, so was he a doc or another staff in white? He is a good samaritan that at least came over and listened and would not quit until he got me help. You know, I feel safe going to the hospiital, but being invisible was unexpected. BUT then the words are you here with someone crush me, and am THAT woman. But I am not that woman, only this time.again. And so I am rescued. I climb the scanner again. I did not pee this time. I dozed, dreaming in seconds, how long was I there, no even aware that my breathing was painlessly normal, and by the time I was home watching my soaps, my shoulder hardly ached.
Please, not a real heart attack. They put me back in because they worried the heart was causing the pain. They did not give me anything, but they said to drink caffeine to help as antidote. Good to remember, if radiation is involved, keep a thermos handy. They never explained and I never asked why I felt all that pain and terror like I was really having a heart attack in public. I missed sitting in that lovely cafe.
The ordeal takes a toll on me. Symptoms are amplified. Hands jerk, eyes bouncy even closed. I figure the cardiologist will try to talk to me, because others talk loud and simply as if ...
I know something is wrong
I wonder, honestly wonder if I will fight to heal my heart with any surgery or
or something like another pill
or maybe know I have a train ticket waiting for a journey to a wonderful place. a pain free zone.
maybe this is my escape.
But I feel there is more to do, I want to live the life taken away already, a life that no longer exists, opportunities and time passed. I look in the mirror and marvel my hair grew again. Years passed and I thought what? that one day I would not still be dealing
....yet life,even a corner of it, just to keep being,if not doing,just being me,no matter...but I cannot mask dissappointment, I curse this blueprint and never signed off on this plan,but I will do His will.
And today, I turn my mind to doing a manicure tomorrow after I rest up, and what I will wear to visit with son Sunday. We have planned a day trip to drive to a restaurant. My stamina has dwindled. Showering is a day's event because It wears me out.
Speaking of nails,what is this ridges thing and splitting? my dermatologist ordered Biotin. I used to take it and she wants me to take it again. yep if my nails look good, then all is well.
One woman wears press on nails. I never tried those. Hmmmmm....