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I am so confused, don't know what to do


HostAsha

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as most of you know I am blessed with amazing family, who has great dad who provides his unconditional love to all of us & we also have very bright son who on most days is nicest, wise young man who does right things, but I find it sometime we have to push him hard or ask ton of questions before he will do things which is utmost important at this point in his life, so it just escapes me what is he really scared of, why is he not doing what is required of him to do, to be successful in life. I get so annoyed when after telling him something to do million time & he will say yes & when time comes he will not keep his words, such a childish behavior escapes me. I blame me since its not hubby's quality, that lazy quality is of mine lol. but I have learnt my lessons through some of those mistakes of mine, & I don't want him to go through hardship because of it, why not learn from mommy's mistakes than learning from his own.  Anyway I had to vent. I just pray he never pay costly price for his laziness. I tell him he is lucky we are his parents so we won't give up on him & keep on trying our best but be worried when other people start giving up on you, and you loose best opportunities in life.

 

Asha

 

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Asha I'm so sorry how this has made you feel. I am going to tell you about my own similar issues with procrastination or avoidance which may or may not shed some light. When I went to college it was the first time I was in control of my own motivation and experiences. Well that is just a part of growing up and becoming a successful adult. What I didn't know is that I suffered with anxiety (mine is hereditary between all but one of the women in my family but anxiety does not take genetics to show up). Coping with anxiety when you don't even know you have anxiety can lead to procrastination and avoidance. Dealing with life decisions is a difficult thing...for everyone. When people with anxiety are dealing with life decisions it may trigger that stress and it is natural for people to move away from something that gives us this "stress" like pain. I know your son is brilliant and success is in his future. What helped me was cognitive behavior therapy counseling. I was 33 by the time I sought help this is after I had done this same thing (avoid, move away from or just nothing) and was depressed and knew that I had disappointed my family (especially my mom which is in no reference to you at all) and some of them felt I was just lazy. My psychologist taught me how to recognize this anxiety I felt and in doing so taught me new ways of coping. If someone has this kind of anxiety it is something that can be helped by recognition and behavior modification. It can help those moments that may feel unbearable due to anxiety that may cripple our decisions and actions and you learn how to push through and succeed. That in itself is empowering and it's like a domino effect...recognize...accept...push through using new coping skills...succeed...build confidence...take on new or harder challenges with success. Anxiety is not something to be embarrassed about or judged it can get extremely better with a little help. When I finally went and acknowledged for myself what I was experiencing I truly worked with my therapist to build new better coping skills. I was able to use these skills in my own life and I conquered so many things because of that. Unfortunately, now with my stroke my anxiety does not react to my coping skills but that is another story lol. Anyways, this may or may not be something your son is experiencing and if he is know it is no one's fault and there is a way to help. Don't take my story for an answer just an example of why I was procrastinating and avoiding important life decisions. I wish your family the best and hope you get some answers for your concerns soon. Hugs.

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I too suffer from somethimg similar, it comes from doubting your own capacity to do something. It is called the imposter syndrome. I get to do somethimg, it goes well, someone mentions that so and so did it but much better. That stops me in my track and if I have to do the same thing again I think I am only allowed to do this because so and so isn't here. That makes a real impact on my life , I felt that way when I took over as Blog Moderator from you Asha. There are all kinds of roadblocks in our lives and sometimes we build them ourselves. So Tracy's idea of cognitive therapy sounds a good idea.

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Thank you so much tracy & Sue , I was getting worried about him, & sometime blame  him, instead of showing empathy for his shortcomings I was getting mad at me, not very nice thing to do as a parent I was failing to show my own child unconditional love. Now willl be more csreful & treat him with tender gloves.

 

Asha

 

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I don’t think that you’re doing anything wrong. Have you ever considered that maybe your son is just bored? I mean that in the most sincere way. Some children who have a very inept intelligence, find that studies are very easy hence they get bored. Children now don’t have the same drive as their parents did. You raise a great son and as you have given me the advice many times I shall give her right back we kept the back and no we did our best and now they have to fly. I found with my son the more that you ask more defensive and distant he will be, and the more arguments will arise.

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Maybe your son has different goals and priorities for his life/  Maybe "success" has different meaning to him.  For instance, I don't believe there is only one definition of the "American dream."  You don't mention his age, so there are a lot of variables.  It is his world now, not ours.  It is a completely different world than we had to navigate growing up, and I think it is going to require different methodologies to move forward in this rapidly changing world.

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Asha.  As  parents wealways try to protect our children  we want them to learn from our mistakes but we need to allow them to stumble now and then and learn from their own mistakes it's called the School of Hard Knocks also I think God gives his children just to give his gray hairlol.

 

 

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Hello Asha, stop worrying. You raise a wonderful Young Man, and he is going to do his journey his way. Thomas my Son, went to college, and because he would not listen to me, I just saw him been put out of college, not getting a job, living off us. Well, he did it his way. He finished college, got a great job, he is now living in Miami, enjoying his life. just got back from Ohio, the company paid for him to travel there and meet the Top directors.Like a early post said, it is they World, things are different from when we was growing up.  He has not come back home, and he is growing and growing.

 

Your son will find his way, remember we all have a journey to travel, the way we travel it is different for us all.   he be fine , you never raised a fool.

 

Yvonne

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I second everyone. From all your posts you have raised a great son. No matter what lies ahead or any bump in the world he will navigate. I think you and your husband have made some pretty amazing wings for him to fly. It may be his own way but enjoy watching him fly.

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Thank you all of you, I had  to write down my worries to get wonderful support from  you guys, when sometime I feel so shaky, when he does his own way & not listen to me. but back in my  mind I know he will be fine, but as a parent I worry & pray for him.

 

Asha

 

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Asha I would say all good parents find themselves in the same position at times. It's a part of growing as a parent and a child. You're doing great.

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