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A couple was in snf here and the husband died. They both could not have found the parking lot between them, they were both in chairs,but he walked wandered. I saw her having melt downs,I even tried to help her do bingo once but as they said she did not stay to play. But she hung out in a chair with her pillow, which for sanitary reasons are not allowed in common areas.  So one day I went to play bingo, and she had her head on bingo table with pillow. I sat next to my friend and asked if they were going to move her as usual...but a man stroked her head saying lie down baby and the woman across the way held her hand looking at me like I was a traitor and shouted at me,"Don't you have any relations?" and it took me a sec to see she meant relatives type relations...and I said of course I do........And then they said her husband died....they married happily 100 years.....and I wondered who put them here 6 months ago.....but  anyway the woman woke up and happily ate the candy from all those who suffered on her behalf, she was happy in an ignorant state,probably sedated. I took my winnings home between hiss and boos. So She goes up and down corridor, looking for away outside as always.  


And I was upset that woman said that to me,as if I was heartless or clueless. I did not know her husband died, no one explained or announced and I wanted the seat by my friend.  I moved over. 


But I got nightmares about all the loss,all the heartache, and just because I will not parade visitors around this smelly old ugly dirty place with junk furniture...well I have had love and people before. 


I think. 

I got angry at stroke. I should be visiting my relatives in a place like this, no wait, they all died fast, did not linger growing old, but I was sandwiched, cared for mom and kids too, while working.


I was judged for how I lived, criticized for going to school late in life, for marrying young...although those fit didn't they. I raised my kids and they did all they wanted to do for me because they were in early 20s and it would be unthinkable for them to be saddled.


But I am heartbroken every day because my daughter and son fought, then he stopped talking to her, she stopped talking to me. I have not heard for a year how my grandson is.  So on top of loss after loss, I was robbed of being a grandmother. I gag hearing others gush on about grandkids. 

Son says I was a great mother, but I ruined my daughters life by the stroke that put her out of our home and lifestyle. She basically ran off with a man who was married,had a sick baby, and moved out of state and out of my life.


And can I relate to heartbreak.

Well those at the table talked about when their spouses died after being married for longer than I have been alive on this Earth.

But pain is pain .....and maybe those are nice tea party stories with non of the ugliness this life knows like divorces,illnesses, estrangements,and I would not complain if I was in here 40 years from now having lived a charmed life.


I have a good child,but I pin for the missing one, dying a thousand thousand deaths, like my whole life was for my kids and how can one see it was good and the other have grievances jealousy...


I am supposed to be planning weddings, babysitting grandkids like my friends I cannot bear to communicate with.

I survived to see my life,career,home,and relationships fall apart,cease, and I take drugs that cannot ease my physical or emotional pain.


and I wonder why I survived when my kids go to the other mothers where it is life because I live in death,and like the others here I scream when is it my turn, but Gods silence says no quite yet......


how much more will I suffer.

yes I am ungrateful because one fun day in the normal world is not enough, 


And the old woman asked if I had relations as if I could never know pain. And I ask if anyone besides Job,and I dont mean Jobs, has suffered...and I do not know if I have held my cursing in the pain like he did.forgive me Lord.


My pain is inside and out.

Supposedly this is why venting can bring each other down. grief is contagios.


But I will sleep this off, and cope to live another day and vice versa.





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A hug for all the pains big, little, inside, outside and an understanding of why bitterness finds its way into our world.  Pam you keep inventory of what, who, or how brings you joy on the inside no matter where it comes from and you go to those things as much as you can. Not to forget or take the place of...But just to allow you joy, a smile, a moment to remember, a piece of positive, a warm hug, some peace within. I hear your words. We can't ignore all that brings us pain but we can aspire to our piece of inventory that brings us moments to rise above. I hear you.

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My heart goes out to you.  Grief is not contagious, and if venting helps, do it.  You listen to others' pain here and help them, we can listen to yours and try to help you. 


I wept reading this.  Life really is unfair; if I could take some of your burden, I would do it in a heartbeat.  So would others.


We love you.  Believe this.

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Thank you Paul. 

I was actually going to delete this,  but then saw and read the love. 

Thank you for helping me carry my cross.


Yes, good advice to go to a happy place to hold onto a life raft. I aways say have one ready because sometimes the darkness will come.


I actually called a childhood friend, we witness our lives, share everything,she is my real sister,and she told me she is gathering another care box with some lucky card games she found at flea market. I love to play double solitaire, and all kinds of cards. 

She has sent me a box nearly every month I have been in here. We dream of retirement traveling. Maybe when I get an electrode I will be ready for it. She offers her home, but I know I need to stay secure in my place here while I recover. But holding onto a dream, a future, new meanings.


And this morning, I hear my admirer calling for me at my door. If only I spoke better Spanish, but words hardly necessary. It is being companions. So many friends here already gone. 


Thank you for support. I feel ashamed for letting myself be engulfed with resentment, sadness, hopelessness.


I feel like I did battle. I am worn out. The feelings not strongly overtaking me now. 





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Pam there are all kinds of pain but the pain of loss is often the greatest and you have lost so much. It is good to vent and I think most of us understand what you are experiencing, if not to the same degree.  The loss of your future is so hard. I just hope you can find some happiness in every day you still have ahead of you. That is what I want for all of us. That and a peaceful end.



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hey Pam :


I was listening to oprah's super soul sunday today where Elizabeth Gilbert was talking about Heros journey, It is journey where we are so scared of future & everything, still rise up to challenge & make best out of the day that is given to us. like Gilbert & Oprah was saying don't waste pain in our suffering, It is trying to teach us some valuable lessons of life which makes us wiser & stronger. If we don't learn valuable lessons from our suffering it's all gone to waste.




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I feel your grief.   It is hard to have had so much loss.   But,  you are a beautiful person and will be able to keep going on.  Yes,  I agree, please vent and share your grief.  


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Thank you ruth.

It helps to stand on the mountain top and scream out loud once in a while and it feels great to have your flash lights brightening up the darkness I am in when I am in this place.


Yes, we survivors hold onto life, waiting for future in each day, supporting each other with so much kindness,

you give me a smile,thank you.

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