It's been a different spring into summer this year. Things are just different. It's been a year since I moved from Nashville and away from who I thought I would be with forever at one time. I see my Psychiatrist every two months and tell him every time that my dreams haunt me. I dream about Adrian almost every night...not the "I want to be with you" dreams but dreams that don't feel good. I can't explain...My dreams can be scary real feeling since my stroke many times I have to wake up well before I realize it's not real. They can also color my mood for the day. I also have unavoidable thoughts of him constantly. Again not the "I want to be with you" thoughts but just in my mind thoughts. I physically try to stop them. My Dr. says it's called rumination and a part of my anxiety disorder. He told me when I get my disability and insurance happens we are going to get me into cognitive therapy which will help me cope better. I guess that is another thought that goes through my mind constantly...Will my disability hearing be positive. I am scared. I hate to admit that but I am. Today I started watching my two nieces every other week for the summer. They are good kids and if they get a little rowdy I just talk to them about how it affects me and they are always eager to make the moment better. I have to admit though that even though we relaxed and had a calm day I am still blah. It means that I feel more exhausted than usual, have a headache, stuttering, dizzy, just good old brain fog and have had to lay down just to rest...still need dinner and meds and getting ready for bedtime before sleeping. It's been super hot this year...It seems more hot than I remember for a good while. My body does not like it. Fibromyalgia...heat, stress, weather, getting sick, and a plethora of other things can set off a flare. For those that have this....My shoulders, neck, back, hips, elbows, knees, stomach are all unhappy the past few days. I am tired of my whining lol...oh well at least my blog doesn't have to be for everyone sometimes just for me. I have fallen down the stairs again...but I have to do laundry (it's downstairs) lol thankfully no tumbling just missed a step. One great thing is that I have slept through the night for the past 4 days! This is a fantastic achievement because my sleep cycle has been way off for 6 months now. I'm stoked! It should only get better from here since I will need to be ready for the girls by 7:30am at least every other week. This blog is so random...My apologies. I've had so much on my mind lately and been a bit moody so I just have to let it out. My dad has to get a biopsy on his lung (a spot on) next week. Already had a PET scan and it's suspicious. The wonderful thing is that he hasn't smoked in 5-6 days! That is major because he has smoked since he was a teen and he just turned 75...even after a heart attack and 5 bypasses he still wouldn't quit. I'm praying this will last. Not only does my father need a biopsy for lung cancer but also has COPD now and is on oxygen. I'm trying to tell him and myself that there is nothing we can do right now and worry will be useless but that is easier said than done. I just pray. As for my summer may I find some time and energy for fun...make some new memories.