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In the middle of a nothing spell




It is the colder, darker part of winter. Rainy days have been and gone, now it is blue skies but bitter winds. This mix is  the setting for my usual dose of mid-winter blues. I haven't had any visitors for a while now, just a few phone calls, the ones I dislike are the ones telling me that another dear old soul from church is in hospital with a broken arm or hip or a bad dose of flu. I want to scream: " Give  me some good news." But good news is in short supply.


My daughter has been ill with a chest infection so I rescheduled my medical review as she likes to be  there to find out the  results and the Professor's conclusions. I have had all the required tests and the results must be okay or I would have been notified by now. I always used to tell Ray whatever the doctor diagnosed he had had it for a long time so why worry now? And I am applying that as advice to myself. Wherever possible I just live one day at a time now. I wake up, put my feet on the floor and wonder what the day will bring. It is the best way I can live. With the way my body works now it is not worth making plans to do things I don't have the energy or stamina to carry out.


Last week I had a tree taken down, it was beginning to lean over the house and when the winds blew strongly I was starting to worry that it would fall down across the house. The tree felling gang had a big machine that chipped the wood into sawdust and so I kept only the trunk wood which the neighbours wanted, one for his indoor fire and the other for his outdoor BBq. Wood fired BBqs are slowly returning to fashion as we start realising that we must cut household costs now to survive.


It is not all gloom and doom, I do not feel as tired as I did a month or so ago and my body seems to have adapted to the pressure stocking. I  just can't comfortably do stairs. I still have the Lymphoedema, I still have problems with the cut muscle but I am definitely stronger and better at walking now and I hop in and out of bed more or less the way I did before the lymph dissection which is a blessing. The sad thing is that again due to the Lymphoedema my travelling days are over, I cannot fly for any more than four hours. I live on an Island, I know it is bigger than Europe and Asia combined but it is still surrounded by sea (or girt by sea as our National Anthem says) and so flying is the usual way to travel.


So my plans for Spring and Summer don't include a lot of traveling. In fact I don't really have a plan at all which is most unusual for me. But that has happened in the past and some fun things happened anyway. So no sense in being sad, I need to have a positive attitude to life. Okay so that is not going to happen every day, I'll still have whiny days and blue days but I'll try to make some good even great days. I went to an 80th birthday party last Saturday and thoroughly enjoyed the day. Fun is where you make it happen.


School holidays are on now, the mid-winter break so I will get to see the three grandkids who come and stay with their Mum Pam and maybe have my daughter and family here for a day. I haven't seen them since the  end of May. Funny how you long for your kids to move closer and when they do you hardly see them. As the old saying goes: " We all have busy lives." Well Ray and I used to have them too at their age but we still made time for our parents. It is a different generation with different priorities.


Hope I don't sound too down. There is a lot of good dayvs ahead of me I am sure and when the days get longer I will be out in the garden and hopefully out with friends. When the sun is out the neighborhood is alive with kids playing, dogs barking and the usual working day noises which I do enjoy when the front door is open and the sounds filter through it. It is on those cold and gloomy days I suddenly feel that loneliness creeping up on me. So I am really looking forward to longer, warmer days to come in another six weeks or so.




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Sue you have always been a inspiration and friend to me and many others. You've dealt with stroke issues as a caregiver and as a proxy survivor of it. It brings so much havoc into our lives, you have taught us how to live with it. How to survive it- how to grieve it ( grief the gift that never quits giving). Loneliness,  the constant companion. But you have always shown us how to get "through it" you lead by example. And for that - I THANK YOU !!

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I see big shifts in your blogs, you are more flowing with life than trying to control it & then feel unhappy about it.




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Always an inspiration. I really understand those mid winter blues. They come around each year like the holidays. The good news that I continually tell myself is it will fade with the winter chill. Asha has a great point...going with the flow instead of being mad at it.  Some things are always easier said than done but you always seem to defy that. We stroke survivors are lucky you still hang out with us Sue.

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I always prefer to have something to look forward to...like even a day trip is fine...something!


And just when someone says I cannot do something, I feel restricted. I should not fly as well. I do not fly by choice anyway. Suddenly I long to fly overnight or something.

But I have survived by now just going by car or boat. But I do not go far. Maybe short trips can be longer more exploratory ones filled with new memories.


Do not worry, time will provide you plenty to keep you occupied.


I love it how you are so full of love for people even for thosr you have not met yet. You are so wonderful. You are the world's caretaker. I wish you could have companionship with all the strangers you meet during all of your travels beginning right from your door step to that 4 hour limit. There are plenty of people to love and I bet some unexplored places in that small slice of the earth.


Please never leave here. Your love adds fuel. Your ability to comfort with words is appreciated. 

And there is comfort wisdom inspiration even in your venting.


I hope you know you are never alone. But the loneliness you feel is for your Ray. I truly pray you can meet a special companion to enjoy doing things together. I bet there is someone around you wishing for same thing.

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