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family and funerals


nancyl

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Dan has had 2 uncles die in the past 1.5 months. Although he was close with them back in the day and up till the stroke would go home and hunt with them , they had not put any effort into coming to see him or reach out in any way. So when Jimmy died - I figured I wouldn't tell him, why- things good and bad like that create depression for Dan and by default depression in me as well . But one of Dans sisters decided to stop and see Dan at the home on her way home from Jimmys funeral and told Dan about it- so that blew up in my face. It had been 4 years since she had made any effort to see Dan but had to stop in and create some chaos. I don't think it was malicious - just thoughtless. although Dans family did make a "hub -bub" about no one from Dans family being in attendance. 

So when "Terry" died I told Dan, and he wanted to go to the funeral ( he was closer to Terry ) , so we did. So we got hugs and a thanks for coming. But his family chose a inaccesible place to sit together and no room for Dan. So we sat in a area by ourselves. Some aunts came and sat with us and other various family as well. But Dans immediate family just stayed at their table and never came and talked to Dan . I could not have gotten him and his chair over to their table if I had tried. So we ate and we left. 

It was a very uncomfortable experience. I guess I expect to much. And in reality, if situation was reversed would I be any better ? I don't know. 

 

On another front - I have a friend who came home for a funeral from Oklahoma  , Her and I were close back in my old work days. She has had 2 kids and her husband is a genuine POS who just can't keep a job, can't be trusted to help with the kids, doesn't pay her opinions any mind, lets his family treat her like garbage - etc. etc.... the is is a smart hardworking girl. But through the past two or three years has only reached out to me during the bad times in her world. I have helped her financially, I have offered to pay to bring her "home" . But she stays in that bad situation. So she came home was at my house rehashing her life and I finally just said- Your married to a POS and the only person who can change your situation is you. She took it ok at the time. But musta ruminated on it through the night, cause she was gonna call me in the morning but never did, and I found out she left town. I feel bad, but - Im not a good person to whine to, especially cause I got my own issues . And I have helped as much as I can. But I also know she has no one in her corner, so I wish I woulda just kept my mouth shut and stayed in her corner. And I am still inner corner. as I texted her and said when and if she needs I will still make good on my offer to help her move "home".  Life.... 

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Nancy I am sometimes the same with friends who obviously could change the situation if they wanted to, my patience just runs out sometimes. I have not had a lot to do with Ray's family members in the last couple of years as it was always me chasing them. All but one of my sister-in-laws and she and I ring month about. I was great all the time I was looking after their brother. Hey ho - that's my life.

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Some friends you miss they are gone,others you celebrate they are. Always their loss.

Always replaceable, never doubt that there are more where they came from...better models hopefully.

 

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Nancy I too have experienced similar moments in my life probably before and after my stroke and I understand the loss of patience and a sense of self preservation. I know especially after my stroke I have had to be aware and self protective because I'm already dealing with so so much. I still love others around me and have a heart and empathy...I know I just can't let things get in the way of my self care. My sanity depends on it. It doesn't always sound nice (im talking about myself here) but it sounds like you are advocating in a way that is self protective for you and Dan. I think you have done what you could when you could and in my opinion that is enough.

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