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RFA tomorrow




I get it done thank heavens. I pray all goes well with sedation and spinal. I trust. I trust it will go like before. I hope there is not some student there that freaks out when I yell stop. It just comes out....I yelled get this done and it seems it took that guy forever but he was told by doc to continue numerous times.

It is painful procedure. I take sedation in IV, they put airhose with tiny things in nostrils. All is well. I climb on table which is scary for me. I feel like I will fall and I go slow. Tomorrow I am going in the chair.


The promise of relief gives me courage.

I will see son this weekend.But just to bring my stuff. He is always busy. Of course.


When alone I cry for my daughter and my grandchild I have been denied knowing because my daughter thinks I failed her,failed to love her. I ask son. he was there too. he sees another story. Anyway I wonder how much hate does she have to stay away. But maybe she cannot phone me my number is different now I am in new area. But wait she knows where I am could google call me here. wow. she never misses me. hard to take. I feel shame humiliation. being a good mom is something i was proud of worked at.

guess she is busy being mom to sick baby.  

I try live in moment.

but I miss who she is. our closeness before i had the stroke.


some days i think why did they bring me back when i stopped breathing then feel ashamed bcuz my son has loved me well and I love him.

I cannot believe she will never be my daughter again...then I am furious for putting me through this. I never chose stroke.


I never chose stroke. my life was not made better by any law suit or thing. I never see now as good as then ever. U suffer. I am not just inconvenienced.  My family was torn apart over stuff.

now years later i cannot even recall it. seriously. i just miss what good times i do recall. when i was proud grateful. but wgat was more real.

I just want her.


oh well.

I opened the gift bag for grandson. she said I gave too many stuffed animals. funny. my mom said I bought too many for her.

there is pattern here. and not my compulsive bunny buying. not much.


so this tiny lilac grey with grey scarf will not be regifted. I keep it in my bag. i sleep with it.

not grown up enough?

I color all day.

lol. small funs. living being. that is all. ok.


I have a gratitude list.

I am glad of things. small pleasures are big ones. My body seriously is damaged.


my mind follow it.


but still not enough help. temp help. no hope for something more.




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Pam I am counting the minutes with you until the RFA. I relate to the inner child in you...I love my kitty and I love looking at sweet pictures of kitties and it makes me smile and giggle like a 5 year old. I sometimes do regress into that little girl state...It's actually a one of the symptoms of the syndrome I have. But I enjoy her. She is happy and smiling and looks amazingly at the world oblivious to any darkness. I know what you mean when you talk about missing your daughter. My daughter still does communicate with me well if I call her. She is busy living life and I am not on her mind much anymore. But I miss her so. I haven't been able to reach her in a few weeks and finally this week she answered. I completely burst into tears...a stuttering mess. She was like are you ok? Her voice was such a blessing...this has been a week full of anxiety, fear, uneasiness...panic attacks 4-5...I could barely breath while the phone rang. When she answered I just cried for her. I am so sorry about the distance between you and your daughter. I really can't imagine and I feel so deep for that loss and emptiness. Hugs. I am thinking of you and pray for your relief even if temporary until next time. You are strong...tired, breathless, but hopeful...strong. I'm so glad to call you friend here.:hug:

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