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Lamentations tumbling dice...


beingnobody

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So many things in this squirrel cage mind...

 

My three year anniversary of completion of radiation and chemo for throat cancer approaches..YAY!!, I guess, but not sincerely feeling it.

 

I turned 62 a few days ago.  I was worried about that one.  Both my eldest sister and oldest friend passed last year, each within weeks of, but short, their 62nd birthday's.  I had envisioned some omen there, but here I am yet.

 

So my Oncology appointment, along with a ENT appointment, a Primary care appointment and Psychiatry appointment, topped off by a good old fashioned colonoscopy Oct 2nd.

 

So very much joy awaits me, and then hopefully, should I survive it all, a return to my sedate, reclusive, and non-eventful existence.

 

I did have the brief excitement this week of taking a roadside tumble on my little Pride Go-Go scooter at about 1AM a couple days ago as I went out in an insomniac fit to check mail.  Luckily, mailbox directly across street from house, and traffic was light, but I was barefoot, and in great distress and foot pain trekking that short distance, hobbling and wobbling, without cane, back to my humble abode to seek assistance retrieving my trusty steed.  A slight roll in the gravel and grass, coupled with the humility of clawing my way to my feet and accessing the damages to my person and properties.

 

Here I sit, days later, again at my post, typing my woes and apparent self pity into the ever accepting abyss of humanity.

 

The Psychiatrist appointment, of course I dread, with his never ceasing inquisition into my possible inclination toward self harm or community endangerment, which I always deny, with pause.  I don't know that I can ever really say that I have no thoughts of self harm, because I do, constantly, but not continuously.  I can't say a day goes by that I do not contemplate my death, in one way or other.

 

The most that I can really say about life any more with all my "baggage," is that life is tolerable, acceptable, I guess even satisfying, in some way that I would in no way be capable of explaining.  I could NOT say, however, that life is actually "enjoyable," beyond the occasional brief, yet transient moments that flutter in and out of my awareness like a feather in a hurricane.

 

The most enjoyable moments of my existence really seem to spring forth from the moments that I am struck with the inspiration and motivation to write.

 

I do love writing, even the hunt and peck, one finger style writing that I have adapted, and to which, no doubt, many others in the stroke community have become familiar with.  I take a lot of online college courses via Coursera, edX and Khan Academy.  I need that daily stimulation and mental challenge.

 

I do think that this particular episode of my writing has reached it's conclusion, and that perhaps sleep, for a brief period is now imminent.

 

Happy Friday.

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Happy Friday, hope the sleep made a difference. I have a few medical appointments too. Life goes on,just not necessarily life as we'd hoped it would be.

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"I could NOT say, however, that life is actually "enjoyable," beyond the occasional brief, yet transient moments that flutter in and out of my awareness like a feather in a hurricane."  I think this is pretty normal actually.  Living in a constant state of enjoyment would be very tiring.  I think the key is to be aware of and note the enjoyable moments. 

If you are going to take a tumble outside 1 am sounds like a good time to do it (no witnesses :tongue: )

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On 7/27/2018 at 7:35 PM, heathber said:

"I could NOT say, however, that life is actually "enjoyable," beyond the occasional brief, yet transient moments that flutter in and out of my awareness like a feather in a hurricane."  I think this is pretty normal actually.  Living in a constant state of enjoyment would be very tiring.  I think the key is to be aware of and note the enjoyable moments. 

If you are going to take a tumble outside 1 am sounds like a good time to do it (no witnesses :tongue: )

Witnesses are what keeps me from venturing forth more frequently.  Anxieties, eh...

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you write quite well, it does provide good window to your life. I feel We all go through period of ups & downs in life. I love online courses too keeps your brain cells quite stimulated. In Yale university they have required course happiness, which has become quite popular with all college freshman kids & professors alike, professor who teaches course was on CNN today. What she says & I believe fully having routine in life is must which brings happiness in life. I know that is true statement for fact. Right after my stroke when I was highly depressed & with  no routine in life, I did not see any point of getting out of bed. once I forced myself to have routine it made huge difference in my mental outlook  on life. So I feel few things are must do

 

1.  have routine

2. exercise for 30 mins a day

3. try to be self sufficient do whatever you can do so that it is one less thing for your family member to do & you don't feel like burden on any one.

 

Belated happy birthday,life is too short enjoy every day to fullest.

 

Asha

 

 

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You write really well.  Please stitch your postings, thoughts and diary into a book. I, for one, will buy it as soon as it comes out. 

 

As for the rest, Happy Birthday. 

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