overcoming pride
Entry posted by beingnobody
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Since my stroke, I have been living as a guest in my niece's home. Her daughter, my sis, also lives here, in the finished basement of an older tri-level home in a very small Indiana town.
Honestly, life here suits me fine. I have everything I need, even though I need help with a few things. I do feel that I am capable, both physically and mentally, to live on my own, in my own place, and sometimes I do feel some slight guilt at my imposition on the niece and her family, but she did invite me, without limitation, to stay as long as I like or need. I don't want to feel like I am taking advantage of her or my sister for their generosity and hospitality. I do pay my share of rent and bills, but more important is the fact I am able, while living here, to save money. Up to, in most months, $700-800 per month, and am aware that the longer I can deal with the guilt feelings I can save a good sum of money ,if I stay another 18 months, to get me started in a new, independent existence, probably a couple hours north of here where I would be closer to doctors and medical treatment.
This is something that is constantly gnawing on my mind, and I am a very impulsive person. so I am a bit scared that one of these days I am going to succumb to impulses and move out prematurely before I am really prepared financially.
This is something I have dome many times over in the past. I can actually admit to occupying over 20 different addresses over the past 14 years, including a couple homeless periods when I lived out of my car in Florida.
I honestly, as an unattached single person kind of enjoyed the homeless lifestyle, free of responsibilities, but in my current physical condition I think I would be too vulnerable to attempt the homeless thing again, as tempting as it may be.
Truthfully, too many lingering and transient periods of hopelessness and thoughts of self harm haunt me, so indecisive I be, for now, until hopefully my mind settles enough to make rational decisions.
My mind, with all it's crevices and dents, is a prohibitive factor in my decision processes. at least I am able to recognize this about myself.
I always had this dream of just living from day to day sleeping wherever I could find a spot for the night, constantly moving, indulging the generosity and hospitality of whatever stranger presented opportunity, but then I would catch myself, suddenly recognizing my own limitations in the socialization department.
WTF is wrong with me? At times like these I feel even more of a freak than normal...
But it must come out, and empty this mind of this scrambling, I must..
Just one more rant of admitted loneliness to deal with so, happy Sunday, I guess, for now.
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