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overcoming pride


beingnobody

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Since my stroke, I have been living as a guest in my niece's home.  Her daughter, my sis, also lives here, in the finished basement of an older tri-level home in a very small Indiana town.

 

Honestly, life here suits me fine.  I have everything I need, even though I need help with a few things.  I do feel that I am capable, both physically and mentally, to live on my own, in my own place, and sometimes I do feel some slight guilt at my imposition on the niece and her family, but she did invite me, without limitation, to stay as long as I like or need.  I don't want to feel like I am taking advantage of her or my sister for their generosity and hospitality.  I do pay my share of rent and bills, but more important is the fact I am able, while living here, to save money.  Up to, in most months, $700-800 per month, and am aware that the longer I can deal with the guilt feelings I can save a good sum of money ,if I stay another 18 months, to get me started in a new, independent existence, probably a couple hours north of here where I would be closer to doctors and medical treatment.

 

This is something that is constantly gnawing on my mind, and I am a very impulsive person.  so I am a bit scared that one of these days I am going to succumb to impulses and move out prematurely before I am really prepared financially.

 

This is something I have dome many times over in the past.  I can actually admit to occupying over 20 different addresses over the past 14 years, including a couple homeless periods when I lived out of my car in Florida.

 

I honestly, as an unattached single person kind of enjoyed the homeless lifestyle, free of responsibilities, but in my current physical condition I think I would be too vulnerable to attempt the homeless thing again, as tempting as it may be.

 

Truthfully, too many lingering and transient periods of hopelessness and thoughts of self harm haunt me, so indecisive I be, for now, until hopefully my mind settles enough to make rational decisions.

 

My mind, with all it's crevices and dents, is a prohibitive factor in my decision processes.  at least I am able to recognize this about myself.

 

I always had this dream of just living from day to day sleeping wherever I could find a spot for the night, constantly moving, indulging the generosity and hospitality of whatever stranger presented opportunity, but then I would catch myself, suddenly recognizing my own limitations in the socialization department.

 

WTF is wrong with me?  At times like these I feel even more of a freak than normal...

 

But it must come out, and empty this mind of this scrambling, I must..

 

Just one more rant of admitted loneliness to deal with so, happy Sunday, I guess, for now.

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I guess we all long for a carefree life. I do have dreams of taking off in campervan and going round Australia, that was our retirement dream before Ray had his strokes and one of the things I could not revive when he died. Like you  I enjoy the roaming life but as a widow that is not possible. So I live the reality of my life as it is and just indulge in the occasional daydream. Like you I know my limitations.

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7 hours ago, HostSue said:

I guess we all long for a carefree life. I do have dreams of taking off in campervan and going round Australia, that was our retirement dream before Ray had his strokes and one of the things I could not revive when he died. Like you  I enjoy the roaming life but as a widow that is not possible. So I live the reality of my life as it is and just indulge in the occasional daydream. Like you I know my limitations.

I find on youtube that there really are a lot of widows living alone in cars and vans and putting their stories on places like youtube.  I do not think my eyes will pass my next eye exam to renew my drivers license next time around.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAj7O3LCDbkIR54hAn6Zz7A

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Very interesting. I have met couples who have chosen that life and at least one woman but that was in a caravan she had bought especially for that purpose. I think I am mostly content with my present circumstances and it is just that wishful thinking that if Ray had lived and was reasonably well we would have fulfilled our dreams of travelling most of the year.

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Sue,  About fifteen years ago my wife and I had a series of financial disasters which resulted in a loss of our house and business. All we had left was our campervan, a twenty year old 6 metre Japanese bus which I had converted into a mobile home. We lived in it totally for six years and it was the best time of our lives. We would make trips to the trout fishing centre of the NZ and I would spend as much time as I could in a rubber ducky trying to catch fish. Then we would return to Auckland, park on our son's driveway and spend a while doing repairs and saving up enough to fill the tank.....then away again....

 

Nowadays I dream regularly of winning some cash on lotto and buying a camper again! I think I have my stroke problems under control enough to handle the plan again as long as I take it very easily.

 

Deigh

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Deigh I live three streets back from the beach, which has a beautiful footpath all along it (3km) and picnic tables etc. Hardly ever go, but it’s beautiful.  Saying that, my dream is to live right on the beach.  I don’t think I could ever live far from the beach. We have the most beautiful sunsets. Friends are always posting photos of sunsets over the water on Facebook.

Even though, as I say, I don’t do the beach often (too unsteady these days) I have my dreams.

 

Whoever wins lotto first, we will split it and both live out our dreams!

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