Connecting to Others
So I want to make friends here again. I find people to play cards with to there are many personalities, many stages of dementia, mental illness. On the day a psychologist arrives, they wheel them in. I think to myself, this puts all ill folks together but a cna told me that different areas get the crazy ones because it would be too hard to care for 12 of them,so they spread it out. ok so that is why.
But I went out of my room, shared my coloring stuff, cards,chinese food.And these folks were a toxic trio times three. One man buys pizzas for staff and select friends. pizza left me with upset stomach watching them argue, fuss, and leave one man out, whom I befriended...immediately that left me out.
I am glad I showed her kindness. I tried to be nice to all. Watching this man stir the pot left me ill. Then the women.....pitting one against the other,jealousies, petty stuff. Like high school. childishness. Are we not adults with a shared painful history.
I said I would go out and try again. After another day in common room under florescent lights,loud big screen, and over the top drama....woman in tears over some argument......left...
I am back in my room. happy to be alone. I went out there but I found it exhausting rather than the fun days I played bingo and enjoyed it.
Now I got drawn in. hurt. yet detached enough to walk away knowing that these are not people I will continue to visit or go out in common room. I would rather color or watch movies.
I told one lady, I do not even know the other lady so her snippy stuff is before I got here. The lady said does not matter,she is that way to all. I said of course.
And I asked why she continued to hang out with people who frankly act like they hate her....she answered she was stilloo an inherent right.
What kind of chaotic circle of hell was I visiting??
I took my toys and went home. After asking her if she needed any of the colored pencils she was borrowing. She said she had finished. We went our separate ways to bed.
Later that night I was asleep in the bathroom.....no one checked on me.
So the night shift cna was a girl who has taken care of me before. She took good care of me and told me gossip that these new staff had not kept the patients cleaned up. I said well this man bought pizza for them and his select crowd. she said they failed to change patients so next shift worked harder.
My deal is I fall asleep in the chair. I not ready to sleep at midnight.
And no staff looks for me for pain meds...just
for glucose chek@