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Connecting to Others




 So I want to make friends here again. I find people to play cards with to there are many personalities, many stages of dementia, mental illness. On the day a psychologist arrives, they wheel them in. I think to myself, this puts all ill folks together but a cna told me that different areas get the crazy ones because it would be too hard to care for 12 of them,so they spread it out. ok so that is why.

But I went out of my room, shared my coloring stuff, cards,chinese food.And these folks were a toxic trio times three. One man buys pizzas for staff and select friends. pizza left me with upset stomach watching them argue, fuss, and leave one man out, whom I befriended...immediately that left me out.


I am glad I showed her kindness. I tried to be nice to all. Watching this man stir the pot left me ill. Then the women.....pitting one against the other,jealousies, petty stuff. Like high school. childishness. Are we not adults with a shared painful history. 


I said I would go out and try again. After another day in common room under florescent lights,loud big screen, and over the top drama....woman in tears over some argument......left...


....more drama....


I am back in my room. happy to be alone. I went out there but I found it exhausting rather than the fun days I played bingo and enjoyed it.

Now I got drawn in. hurt. yet detached enough to walk away knowing that these are not people I will continue to visit or go out in common room. I would rather color or watch movies.


I told one lady, I do not even know the other lady so her snippy stuff is before I got here. The lady said does not matter,she is that way to all. I said of course.

And I asked why she continued to hang out with people who frankly act like they hate her....she answered she was stilloo an inherent right.

What kind of chaotic circle of hell was I visiting??


I took my toys and went home. After asking her if she needed any of the colored pencils she was borrowing. She said she had finished. We went our separate ways to bed. 


Later that night I was asleep in the bathroom.....no one checked on me. 

So the night shift cna was a girl who has taken care of me before. She  took good care of me and told me gossip that these new staff had not kept the patients cleaned up. I said well this man bought pizza for them and his select crowd. she said they failed to change patients so next shift worked harder.

My deal is I fall asleep in the chair. I not ready to sleep at midnight.

And no staff looks for me for pain meds...just 

 for glucose chek@





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Ya know Pam before my stroke I was a social butterfly. I loved being around people, loved meeting people, and pretty outgoing. Always have been. Now, however, I am a loner. People are loud to me and outside is a lot of times chaos to me. It saddens me to say I have no friends in real life anymore. I do miss how I loved that part of me. Oh I do have friends in my stroke support group locally. At least on stroke support group days or activities. My father gets angry with me "You need to get out and meet people. Go to a bar. Go out at night like I used to. Quit staying in that room.". I tell him I don't want to go out and meet people, or go to a bar at night. I like my room, it's quiet, calm, familiar. I like being alone which is hard when you are living with your parents. I am so different than I used to be. I am, of course, to myself a lot out of necessity. So far I am exhausted every time I think about doing what I used to do. Now you and I could color, talk about fashion, makeup, and gab all night til I couldn't anymore or one of us couldn't lol. :happy: I suppose I am cool with pajama parties of 2. I dont think I have added to your post but added my thoughts. I like reading your blog. :smile:

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ayes Traci you and I are friends. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and share yours.


I tried to live at home for 1 year when daughter helped me, son helped too,and I had outside help but my children had to go live their lives. But I could not handle shame I felt that I was not myself,and other people moved on in life.  I have one friend from childhood who sends me a care box monthly. We are as sisters talking on phone. It saves me. I do not always find it always easy because she is part of real life. 


I think you are a good person I would enjoy spending pj parties with:sleepy:


I have difficulty with  these new people living here.   And some staff have been horrible too.  I used to have fun with 2 ladies who colored and played bingo. 

One nice staff cna asked me if I liked that pizza guy and those other women. They see me talking to one woman. I seem stand offish or- not happy. I just dislike their cruelty to one another. It is not as it seems. He is not a nice man despite buying food for the staff or residents. He is two faced. I never was fooled.


I will go play cards  double solitaire with my friend if I want. But I stayed alone this weekend. but called friend on Sat. nite. i put her on speaker. colored. had fun. i feel free.


i do not drive so i do not go out places.

This is not living.


but my friend encourages me to work hard to recover so she and I can  perhaps live together, travel, and if pain gets controlled.


Thanks for being my on line friend.

I enjoy your posts too and comments.

Just do what you want to now.  You have privacy in your room with parents, so enjoy that.  Life may not be what you wanted, but enjoy good health being aliive painfree and seek good companionsship.

we have this place to help each other

wherever you go,you make a difference with being you,your integrity.

your wit,humor,sunshine,wisdom,colors.


my friend said not to let others bring me down. 

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Pam you are my friend absolutely. Hugs...I am thrilled you have a friend you can call and be you with, color and just relax. I do too. :smile: Sometimes it melts the bad away. You're friend is wise...don't let others bring you down. My mom tells me this all the time. I think they are good words to hold onto. You are welcome and thank you!

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oh tracy

and when i cannot sleep

i put on peter helland music

and i lie down with my arms over my head like i am floating on water 

something relaxing about the arms that way.



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I liked reading your take on the inside of a nursing home. It helps me to remember Dans issues there as well. Its probably why he refuses to leave or socialize. Although the other residents are generally pretty elderly - not many are anywhere close to his age. But still,- what do I know, I don't live there and it is hard for Dan to communicate complex things like what you are experiencing. So thank you for your hard earned insight... NancyL

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