• entries
  • comments
  • views

The end is near.




This is a difficult time.  I thought that I was getting hospice involved early.  But, William declined rapidly.  My best guess is that William may pass today or very soon.  I was so afraid that I would get up and find William gone.  I kept getting up every hour.   I am not doing my ritual gym thing this morning.  I want to be close by.  He is calm and peaceful.  He is not agitated like he has been. I actually did go to the gym..  Just later.

This will be a long and difficult vigil.  William is now resting peacefully.   He complained that his foot hurt him.  I offered him some pain medication which he refused.

I am blessed with wonderful friends.  I have had calls this morning from friends that have offered to sit with William and give me a break.   I will take them up on that.  I need to get to the gym and work off some of this nervous energy.  But, I have the hospice nurse coming out.  I do not know when she will come.  I sent her a text.   I need her help in changing the wet underpad. 

Hospice has been really wonderful.   I am able to keep William at home with their help.  He has been in and out of sleep all last night.  I will now have William in Diapers.  This will hopefully make it easier on me to keep William clean.

The bed control is not working.  I will have to call hospice and have them send somebody out to fix the control.  William ate 3 teaspoonfuls of applesauce this morning.   He did not know what it was.  

I was able to take the dogs out for their little morning walk.   I will be waiting around for the hospice med drop off.  Last time they said it was from 8:30 AM to 10AM.   I will make it to the gym after 10AM.  then I have a friend coming out at 3PM. 

I am spending more time sitting next to William.   I am not going upstairs and sewing.  I just don't have the concentration to do that.

Well, William rallied and was more alert and did not have that funny breathing the next day.  This waiting is not a fun process, but just part of life.

I really hate deaths at this time of year.  Thanksgiving and Christmas follow..   I am trying to think of what I plan on doing.  It has been just the two of us for long.  I may travel to my son's, tickets are not very expensive now.  But, I have 3 dogs.  Friends will take care of them.  But, I still hate to leave them.   I still need to ponder that idea.

I started this blog two days ago.  Wm rallied and is still hanging in here.  It is 2AM Sat. 9-8-18.  He is up and responsive.  Calm and peaceful.  Hospice sent somebody and they fixed the bed.  It was actually my fault.  The plug is connected to a wall switch.  I had the switch in the off position.  The guy said that the outlet was not working.  But, I didn't tell him.  It actually is working, I just had it in the wrong position.  My friend gave William such a wonderful gift.  She came out to sing for him.  What a marvelous voice she has.  She sang hymns to him.  It was beautiful.  The gift of music is wonderful that she shared it with us. Today the CNA will come out to help me bathe William.   I will head to the gym early and be home to await the day.  It is so nice to have hospice to call when I need help.  I have been told again and again that is amazing what a job I have done with William for so many years.   I know that other caretakers have done the same.  But,  from the comments,  it is not the norm.  They have all said that William is so blessed to have been taken care of so well all of these years.  I have been privileged to have been able to do what I have done.  Let me post this now.   



Recommended Comments

My prayers are with you and William during this period. I pray that the Lord will lift each of you in His calming arms in peace. I pray that William will rest without pain and you will rest with calm. Please know you both are in my thoughts and prayers.

Link to comment

Ruth :


you & William are in my thoughts & prayers, I am so glad you have friends & hospice to help you out in this difficult time. please know you have done amazing job as a caregiver. We all have been witness to your journey with William. you have tried your best. I know Death is never easy & loosing your loved ones is never ever easy.  Ruth just heard dr.JB Millar on oprah's supersoul where he talked about create flower-petal moment, when person finally leaves his human body decorate with flowers surround him & share stories of him with your loved ones, it will create beautiful memories which will last you life time.  I know you must be going through difficult time right now, but be strong & be present in now with will.





Link to comment

Ruth, your journey with William has been a long one and it is true you have done a great job, your blog attests to that.Yes the last few weeks or days are hard as you know the end is coming. You cannot plan a future, it takes a different shape to what you expect. So just concentrate on the present and enjoy the time you have left with him.

Link to comment

Ruth, yes William feels loved and safe with you, not just caretaker, but you are his wife,his life long partner,his love. And you have shown him your love for him, through it all, your love shows. William knows. He may wait for you or he may be sneaky and go, but William is peaceful.

I hope you are proud of the years you were caretaker. 


I hope this process will be a memory that you will find meaning in. A death watch is an experience we fail to discuss. You are brave to do this at home,another blessing for Will to be at home. I hope you will feel joy to be alive and not grief but celebration of your life and great love William.

Link to comment
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.