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Through My Eyes



I was visited by Health Department regsrding a complaint I made againt a nurse for being an abusive bully insulting me and interfering with me getting to urgent care...where they called an ambulance to escort me to the ER and then I was admitted to the hospital.....so now that nurse still cares for me but cannot contact me so someone else brings my meds....... This was a complaint I made last year....so the HD said I got the name wrong...oops well lets recall who told me a wrong name around here.....


So the HD said it cannot be proven. I said I know. HD said well still complain because then if many complain......


OH I just zoned to my happy you cannot follow me here place.

........no one can prove what another does........


Then I admitted I took a picture when the 2 nurses were standing hands on hips in front of me....cannot prove...but to my memory issues it reminds me it was real not a dream...and I have hospital discharge sheet.

But who can prove another's bad behavior....

Oh interviewing others?

Some code of silence.


So HD asked if I was afraid. I said well this nurse takes care of me but not in my room. She parks her cart outside my door because that is where plug is.......I just do not like the nurses who are on some power trip......that are lvn anyway. But I deal..... it is history



My real problem

Is that I got a text from my son who says for the last 4 years I complain I am alone and ........ok I do not recall exactly but the gist is I am wrong,selfish...and my inner voice chimed in...undeserving, ungrateful....you get the train here.


I was stunned. His opinion of me is priceless. I want his love and respect, yes still. How dare he address his mother this way. And I thought all was well.

Ok he never visits and it has been months since he took me on outing...which was a 2 hr limit store excursion. Yes he has busy life. I want him to use his off time for his social life, not mine, of course.


But I do expect him to be there.for fun times visit,talk,eat. I am grateful for time he makes for me. 


Where did this come from?

I think it comes from his friend and that mom who hate caring for grandma.


So I am that now?

Someone warehoused to die?

And I have the nerve to want to be taken into live,society.


Well, lets see..I have never been invited out with any of his friends for some occasion, just like in real life,ones mom is not included. So how do I interfere?I do not.

I do not expect much. I text. But most of the time I am misunderstood....that I have said something bad against him or hurtful. But he never calls. He prefers text. Great. But somehow I say one thing that becomes a disaster.

He loves me. I hurt him. This situation. He helped, but he young, not expected to be able to do more.

But then I read that and think wait, he is 29 now and looking back, I had 2 kids,took care of my mom......

Maybe root is something else.

Families have bitter jealousys I do not have time for.


NEWSFLASH here, I have CPS. For the last 4 years. While I have been whining, needing reassurance I am not alone when I really actually am alone, I have had daily Pain,hourly Pain and constant unrelentless pain that actually honestly and in 4 dimensions of reality hurts.


I have endured losses. I do not need that laundry list again.


So if I am a pain in the ass, excuse me but I am not some sweet granny that grew old into an inconvenience and wants a call.


No, am I needy on my only son?

Well I am in a SNF for life so how much more can I disappear?

Well MY son said to put my phone away until I take a pain pill.


To me that translation is Hurry up and die already you old bore.


Oh and he is upset, still upset I may add, from a statement I made when I got home from hospital,had no filter or emotional control, which no one was expecting and I said something like I wish I had not had them.

Now let me tell you about my struggle with infertility,miscarriages,and 2 high risk, one even told to abort but I did Not.

SO everyone knew my children were wanted and my ex lost parental rights, so I devoted my life to both....and that could fill a book...

....yes one sentence kills a relationship

I have apologized, and we traveled around we spent time....but now I see oh sure he went along,but nothing was forgiven or understood. Did he read ?

I feel heartsick.

I feel all that but then I feel I survive for myself.

No not really

It is always about my kids.

I go on dreaming for it, that happy ending.


I am not going to the support group meeting tomorrow. I hurt. I should go,want to,but my leg burns,hurts to stand,buckles in pain.


But good news.

There is always one piece somewhere. My electrode trial was approved so I will schedule that. I am ready.


And I have new coloring books from my fav author. Plus new set of good pencils. MY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  I finally got what I never got after I ordered this with activies director. She gave substitutes. Ok nice.But...

How did you ask?

Well I did a survey and earned $$!

I am doin another next week for Amazon gift card.

In the meantime I will wait for pain thing to be done.


And being selfish feels good, i finally spent money on myself.



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Oh Pam...


You are survivor and caregiver wrapped up in one package...


I have just complained to my husband that I would love for him to empty the dishwasher washer occasionally or hang out a load of washing without being asked...now I feel like a *beep*.


My heart breaks for you Pam. What to do?


Has he seen a counsellor at all?  Would be helpful if he understood you better...


Love and hugs to you my lovely...

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I agree, he needs to resolve his own issues. You are his mother who gave up a lot for him, now it is time for him to act the adult and see you as the one who needs the nurturing. Oh my dear,  if only....

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Wow I can relate. In different ways but still the same. Sighs...I hate the understanding issue...there should be classes after a loved one's stroke. It is exhausting trying to always explain...I get tired of it, cranky, until I just don't give a ~°¢|[. I know...not nice...but I find myself at that position a lot too...hate it. The honest truth is I feel more comradery with you guys or my local stroke group. I don't like this cold wall it builds...I miss the me that could easily receive and give positivity. Pam I pray for peace in your soul...I see your strength, your pain, your hope, your dignity. I am grateful for you. Wishing you good vibes and understanding... you are deserving my friend.

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