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Spinal Electrode in the Morning




I go in the morning to try the thing.

I am scared.


I must shower tonite. Now this is a problem as usual.


I have new roommate. I have not seen her yet.


My admirer brought me a veggie drink that is horrid. Thought counts. He said old witch former roomie told him I had surgery tomorrow. I said No I did not. It is a procedure

 I will be awake.

I will endure pain.

I will feel the nerve bundle awake as tūhey thread wire leads into my spine with a local shot only while everyone is there.


I said her name should never be rmentioned again. I told him she was jealous. I said she was Awful to me. She said Hurtful things to me. I said I was glad she was gone and I will never see her.


There. Whew.


I said to him. Do you even understand me?


I know there was an audience. No one offered to translate.


I heard my voice hoarse from talking all night to my friend. I was sleeping. He woke me. He said were you sleeping???

I just blurted. Emotion was there. On the verge of tears.


I was screaming Inside. I am WOUNDED.


If I had thought first.

Here it is phoney cheerfulness.

He not speak my language.


He said he not play bingo with me for candies. He gets candies at the store. He says he plays to see me. He said Only You I play Bingo with.



I feel childish. Silly. 

There is misunderstanding here.

Yes I know I say.Thank you.


I say again that I do not like our mutual acquaintance. She is a terrible person to me.

I say Yes thank you for the gift. Thank you for coming. I tell him how to get out of the room.


He says I only want good things for your life.


I feel now like I should have pretended. Shut up.

Then I hear him call for housekeeper who brought him up. I hear talking...then in English I hear  Yes I know you did not do anything.


I listen to that and think I cannot look at him and not recall how she mimicked his calling my name and said blahblyblah.

I needed him to know it all but the words were lost uselessly not there.


He was worried about surgery for me. I was angry she mentioned that to him. She stole something. Fake concern.


And no he is so innocent. Just came to visit us.

But 2 women cannot share.


I knew she was angry when she heard him call me that day. She resented that he returned calling my name not hers.


Petty Stuff.

But I feel violated as people come in the room saying you have your room back. WT?


And then the nurse is there that I despise. She makes trouble for me.

I shoo her off like a fly.


Now today I am selfish. I already gave it all. I was nice.I shared food.nail polish. My life stories.

I feel that it may be true that no one likes me. I am odd here.out of place. Pain makes me need.Ask.Demand.

They only see that.

Not tears.not alone. Not ME.


I wanted him to  see it.




No one ever does.


They walk away just always saying it is not their fault or problem.


I always show it to them. Stoopid.


I told the nurse I reported her so stay away from me. I say Report that to your supervisor.


Tonite my cna says she is too busy to get me into shower. No one told her early. 

I was sleeping.

I said I informed them.reminded them.  I need a packed up breakfast too. And a mug with tea and fixings. I will eat at 6am.

Then NPO until dinner prob. Just water. When it is ok. I will hurt. It does for spinals.

Then relief.

Will this be so?




Well I want to just survive. I do not want to lash out. I thot I gave from the heart. I was shot at by all sides. I speak up. 

I may be snotty. But I am good. Better than some who speak behind the back saying oh they are trash then 



2 nurses came to speak support to me about that mean nurse. They dislike her. They dislike what happened to me left in shower without pain meds. There is decency out there.

But silent.


God sees me.

Please keep watching.


I am speaking up.


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Pam, some of what you are going through I understand, some is your personal life story. I hate that you have so little control over what happens to you. I hate that the nurses make no effort to understand what you are going through. I hope the procedure helps, does what it is supposed to do. (((hugs)))

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