Socializing and Lack There Of
Since my stroke I have changed tremendously. I was always the extrovert social butterfly. Easily talking to anyone, making friends easily, sometimes dramatic lol...I enjoyed expressing myself. Today I am not that person anymore. I'm skiddish, awkward, easily startled, get stuck in silent mode when spoken to or stutter, a loner, don't like noise or movement or lights or the dark or people. 😧 I do love when my kitty is around me. I enjoy talking on the phone sometimes. I manage to enjoy my local stroke group meetings with about 15-20 others. I occasionally go out to eat with my mom and step dad and usually with a small group after support meeting. I don't "hang out" though, visit others, "go out", only shop for what I need at smaller stores (no mall visiting). I don't really have "friends". I'm the epitome of anti-social. I stay in my bedroom with the door closed a lot (I live with my dad and stepmom while going through the disability process). I am often silent. My dad says I should get out, have some fun, meet new people. I told him I don't want to go out and be around people or noises. I like being alone. It's easier that way. But something happened lately. A man in my stroke support group sent me a pm on Facebook. We have exchanged pm's quite a few times since that day. He knows my sister and he knew my brother that passed earlier this year. He and I know many of the same people. He even asked my cousin (we both have her as a friend on Facebook) about me and she said I would be a great person to talk with. He is funny, handsome, had his stroke 5 years ago, goes to eat with us after our meetings, grew up in the exact same area in Nashville that I lived and worked in for 10 years. We have a lot in common. 😲 I am socially...weird, awkward, terrible at, clumsy, terrified. 😐 I say things that are goofy, in my opinion inappropriate (not in a bad way just bad timing). I told him last week that I was Facebook stalking him, laughed and then said not really I'm just looking at your pictures. 😫 Who says that? It's like I'm an immature 15 year old tripping over her words. He has not answered me since I sent a message on Friday. So my head makes up all these scenarios to worry about...he just talked to me in a pm...what scenarios 😬... he didn't ask me to go out. I'm freaking for no reason other than my brain making a mountain out of hill. I talk to myself saying Tracy he is just a nice person who talked to you...he's a friend...relax. 😭 This sucks!!! I feel like a dork or at least a social dork. 😟 I just needed to vent and practice my social skills lol. Thanks for listening.