I am truly lucky to be both a stroke survivor and the Survivor of a major heart attack and I now have a heart full stance on the right and on the left pulmonary hypertension and lymphedema and and and and I realized that everyday I wake up it's a gift and that means so much now that I'm living in pandemic and I have thought so many times before that it would have been easier if I had not survived the stroke. But my children were angry and said couldn't I see if they were trying so hard to make me feel loved and supported and I realized that's what I always wanted to do was be here to take care of my kids and yet when I felt the burden to them I felt this see that they were having the strength to survive not me but them I have survived because of my family my children. I live in a nursing home it is a gift I gave to them so that they can go and live their lives and not have to worry about me anymore. So my social distancing has been going on for a while that is nothing new I do miss seeing my son in person.

I didn't really want to go through the heart surgery but when I said well maybe it's just time to accept that it's time and I'll never forget the look on my little boy's face yes he's a grown man but in that moment he was a little boy with so much love in his face I'm looking at in the mall who was saying that she was going to be leaving him. We were talking about advance directive. Everybody knows that I have decided to become a body donor. I believe make a note research is important. Are you also have Christian beliefs and grew up believing that everyone must be buried. This is another thing I've done I have decided to do this and my son nose and he's okay with it. I told him I felt very strongly about it and he said yes we have a friend who has become a doctor now and he said yes it is an important thing so it doesn't feel stranger alien and I feel better that my son does not have the worry oh what to do. So I promised to fight and be around for many days as many as I'm allowed. My son and I text daily I feel so loved. And it doesn't matter if there isn't anyone else on the planet that even likes me I am happy that I've had a purpose being a mother. I hope that every mother right now living in this pandemic world would just stop complaining about how the children are getting on her last nerve because these are the most precious days they're the only days that I think mattered in my own life and I put a lot of effort into my education into my work but my days as a mother all that count in my book. So sometimes it's so hard because people can be extremely cruel to the disabled and they just don't even know what it's like of course but there's a kindness that has slipped away from our society I believe and maybe now with all the caring things that are going on that this will continue.

I was actually very upset when I had a caretaker here at the facility who kept complaining that she can't to go to Disneyland that she can't fly to Disney World that she can't go out and play with her friends and that she didn't care they were getting together they were going drinking clubbing gaming and he just talked like a fool who didn't realize that she was coming back to the facility exposing all of us here which the whole point of us being on lockdown and not getting to visit with our relatives was to protect the most vulnerable of us and but she was allowed to come to work because she was not running a fever in fact they're still taking people's temperatures at the door even though on the television they keep warning that people can be carriers someone without symptoms who's not sick who doesn't have a fever can pass along this also I'm hearing that people that have contracted this disease this virus I'm not necessarily running a fever and yet I'm still having to endure them coming to take my temperature every day and it's just like nobody's really listening to the top scientist to the people that really know what's going on and so this whole system here is cracked. So if I lived by myself or with my family and I wouldn't come in contact with any strangers. And yet they say that they want to protect people who are living in facilities but how is that being done exactly when the staff is made up of the young the Bold the Beautiful the Invincible. So anyway. I've been feeling like I've had a sinus infection with the sore throat with trouble breathing but they tell me I can't have this virus because I haven't had a fever well I hope that's the case. But there is not a test here T check if my need for antibiotics is truly that I can't get over this sinus infection I am I battling is other things. I could have a bacterial infection plus a virus maybe another kind of flu I realize this. I don't know sometimes I can't even think straight I'm on too much medication for pain because I can't get a spinal I can't get those treatments that I need propane so I've Loved taking medication. So what does that mean for people who have chronic pain