Memory Lane is a bad place to visit




So one of my beautiful friends that I met at tap dancing, invited me to her daughter's dancing concert.


I decided to go, but was a little nervous about one dance in particular. My reaction to the dance was worrying me.


It was all the girls (6 of them, plus others I didn't know) I grew up dancing with.


They did this amazing tap dance to Pat Benetar's All Fired Up.


I had a few tears. In a different universe, I would have been up there, strutting my stuff.


My friend Fiona was really good. She knew it was difficult for me. 


It's not even like it will happen again, one day.  My dancing days are over.


I will, however, always be a tap dancer in my heart.




Photo: I'm centre back. (Always. That's what happens when you tower over everyone!)

Fiona is second in on the very right.



Recommended Comments

My bad days were when I saw couples doing what Ray and I used to do. Now it is sometimes just seeing couples. I think there will always be reminders of the way we were. Luckily most people don't notice so we put on a brave face and just get on with it.

Link to comment

nothing wrong with dancing in your heart, or in being there for the ones who can still get up there and strut their stuff.  The world is full of stuff that reminds us of better or at least different times. Enjoy the music and dance on the inside, or bop along in your chair. If you avoid everything that might upset you life will get very boring and very long.

Enjoy what you can do, and try not to dwell on the can'ts


Link to comment

As time moves on we lose a bit more all the time, Im like sue - watching other married couples hurts. As I shoveled snow today, I thought, Dan should be doing this not ME ! He used to take care of all that stuff. Now I do.  He lays in bed and I shovel snow. He'll get up later and we will do our routine - our new routine, the stroke routine. 

Link to comment

Yes this sounds all too familiar in this household. April would understand 100%. I guess I better let her read all this. Thanks for sharing those thoughts and feelings!

Link to comment

Sue and Nancy, I can't even begin to imagine. 


Always seeing it from a survivors point of view, it's easy to forget the caregiver has lost as well.


Dwelling on things is too hard, Heather. I know you get that. Down for a moment, then get back up. That's life. 


Willis, please do share with April.



Link to comment

So familiar to me as well. I would be lying if I said I don't miss many of the things I took for granted before my stroke. One thing about relationships bothers me more than it should. I truly miss the intimate part of a relationship (not sex but holding, hugging, sweet words,etc). It feels lonely ( I am single now but not truly interested in persuing a new relationship as of this day and age). Recently, as I planned a trip to the beach with my mom and sisters I had to think about for the first time something that I wasn't sure about and I had anxiety even though I couldn't find out for myself just yet. I haven't walked on sand since before my stroke. After my stroke walking on anything that was not SOLID was an accident just waiting. My central vertigo would take this ability away from me. The nearest time I can remember being in s substance similar to sand was trying to walk in my father's freshly tilled garden a few years back. I had to go and retrieve something. My first step and I went down on my knees like I had just stood in quick sand and I swear I barely swam (that's what it felt like) out of that dirt! A friend of mine asked me oh can you stand well on the sand now and it dawned on me that I wasn't sure at all. That bothered me but you better believe I would be out there in the sand with one person on each side until we got to where I had a beach chair in front of the calming waves and get help up and back. We, unfortunately, didn't get to go due to Covid but I will someday. I will try my best and maybe I will surprise myself!


Link to comment

Yep walking on sand is an art form post stroke.  I have been going to disabled surfing days for the last few years. The first time I went it was very scary and I needed the helper who walked with me down to the wet sand and the surf. The good thing about disabled surfing days is they have volunteers to help with this sort of thing as well as the beach wheelchairs if you need them.  The next year I had a helper with me but I didn't really lean on them, and then the last time I walked across the sand fully independently. It's much harder on the way back up. Walking on the sand and being in the surf is hard on the brain and stabiliser muscles, but it is so great to be out there in the water and get rolled by a wave when you know there is a team of people ready to pull you up/out if necessary. When it happens I get that happy happy laugh, and the volunteers do too once they realise I'm thoroughly enjoying being dumped by a wave.

Link to comment

Wow this brings ack memories of my daughter who basically became mom when i stroked introducing me to "new for me" activities. So the first time I got into a pool, Hailey took me to a wave pool (not such a good idea). I had my own rubber donut float which I had secure around my waist. It was nice getting into the water and feeling the cool of the water on a hot sunny day. Then the first round of waves started. I could see them coming.... I was not in control of my now floating body in a donut float. The waves battered me like a boat run aground on the beach. I screamed, I cried, I had a panic attack, I couldn't stand up, I couldn't direct where I floated (there were tons of people), I felt for the 2nd time "this is it". As the waves kept rolling out and eventually subsided my floating donut self was pushed with each wave closer to "shore" (ok wave pool shores are ouchy at least this ones... white painted concrete with texture) as my buns scraped the bumpy bottom over and over until they all subsided. Then... I sat there in the shallows crying with my donut around me not able to get up. Hailey found me and helped me up (not a pretty site lol). Needless to say I crawled to the waters edge where the small waves could reach my toes and legs. Hailey brought me a beach towel to use as a pillow and one for her too and we both lay there for a long while turning into crispy red lobsters. It certainly left me with a good story to share. One day I think I will try the real waves on the beach just maybe set my chair in its path. 🙂


Link to comment

I think I would have had that same reaction if I hadn't known there was literally a team of people waiting to catch me.  not to mention a very big foam surfboard. Participants get setup on the surf board on the beach and then about 15 people carry you and the board out into the water and they take you out to about chest deep and then one of your helpers gets ob the back part of the board and kicks like mad to catch a wave while the rest of the team makes a funnel back to the beach. I usually fall off in about knee deep water and they grab me and lift me up ready to start again.


But yes if I didn't have that I'd be opting for the chair at ankle deep too.

Link to comment

Oh Tracy...yet another thing to chalk up to experience, but what an experience!


I have discovered that I don't like deep water. Because half my body is weird, I float on an angle, can't swim to save myself and hate the whole experience. 


Heather, big girl here would probably need more than 15 people to carry me!!



Link to comment

Hi Janelle yes your water balance changes significantly after brain injury. I had a great teacher during my in house rehab. Wayne was determined that all of us would at least be water safe and able to swim short distances.  He ran the hydro therapy sessions as well as the disabled gym. As I had been a scuba diver he made me do lots of floating, turning and somersaults during my hydro sessions as well as just swimming and my learning to walk drills.  It meant when I started the surfing I was a lot more confident.  But then I've also always been a water baby.


And you'd be amazed at the surfing volunteers they carry people out who you would think are way too heavy.

Link to comment
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.