Well, I have to adjust to Hans' decline in the health area. After his colostomy, he had to have surgery on his toe. It had a blood clot under the nail the began to bleed out. I could not stop the bleeding and his surgeon removed part of the toe nail and the dead skin. Now every time he bumps it even a little, it bleeds terribly. Sometimes I can stop it right away and other times it bleeds for a couple of days. It is bleeding tonight. He has had some tests on his affected leg this week and last week. Now he has to have an arteriagram on the main artery in his right leg. He has partial blockage in the one artery and total blockage in the other one. The surgeon said he would try to unblock the artery and then put in some stents to try to keep it open. I did not even ask what would happen if he could not open it up. He is weak and it is hard to transfer him from the bed to his chair and back. He seems really sore around his waist. I told his surgeon about that but he was not concerned too much.

I just want to sit down and cry but that will only give me a headache. I really don't know what I will do if I lose him. He has been my whole life for nearly two years and a really good part of it for the past 13 years. We had so much fun traveling after we retired and now he cannot ride more than an hour before he gets too tired to go on. So traveling is out. We enjoyed going to church and many church activities but he cannot handle crowds anymore so we don't do that anymore. We really really enjoyed volunteering at the South Texas Childrens Home but it is a four hour trip and he cannot do that.

More and more, he is content to just lay in bed. I try to keep him involved in things and encourage him to go outside and wander around the yard (which is a half acre) - he does this sometime but not near as much as he used to. He just seems to have lost interest in life. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to keep him here if he is ready to go to his eternal home. It breaks my heart to see him in pain and me having to make all the medical decisions for him. I explain things to him and ask his opinion but with his aphasia, he cannot tell me exactly what he is thinking. More and more his yesses and noes do not mean yes and no so I just have to try to read his expression and his eyes to determine what he is meaning.

I pray I am making the right decisions for him. I love him so.