welcome to my metaverse

  • entries
    47
  • comments
    222
  • views
    2,242

resistence is futile-YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED


Guest

497 views

it is now 2:16 am. do you know what time it is? or rather, why am i up so late when i have to work tomorrow?

 

the story is as follows.....

 

i had two reports for Court that i had to write and fax over to the various participants before Monday at 8am. i had finished the first one yesterday morning. the second one, which was a tad more complicated, i had to have ferment in my preconscious mind until i returned home at 10pm. after i returned, and after i joined the One Spirit Book Club online (great books on Eastern Philisophy, medicine, psychiatry, etc., and since i attended a three day conference with various psychiatrists, psychologists, and the Dalai Lama, i felt inspired), i wrote the report, faxed it, and printed a copy. the print copy came out first and had several typos, so i canceled the fax copies by disconnecting the USB cable that runs from my laptop to the printer (i was to lazy to get up, walk four steps to the printer, and press 'cancel.') i corrected the report, reprinted it, saw it was perfect, and refaxed it.

 

except the fax didn't work.

 

so i unplugged and replugged the cable.

 

it still didn't work.

 

so i restarted my computer.

 

it still didn't work.

 

so i went through my fax program and sent a test fax signal, which worked.

 

and yet again, my fax did not work.

 

so i went to get my CD-rom of the program so that i can reinstall my all-in-one drivers. i had put it into the top right hand drawer of the dresser i use as a computer console.

 

and it wasn't there. John had moved it and forgot about it again.

 

so i went and woke John up at approx. 12:45am and made him come down and look for it, since he was angrily insisting that he hadn't moved it and that it was still there. he came down two flights of stairs to the basement and looked through the drawer. the CD-Rom was not there (i could have told him that, but he didn't believe me.)

 

he looked at me stupidly and said, 'i don't know where it is. you must have moved it.'

 

i refrained from homicide and looked through all of the other drawers. it was at the bottom of the third drawer i looked through. he started to lecture me about how i had moved it, but i cut him off and said, 'if you'll say that you moved it and forgot about it and that you're sorry, i'll forget about this.'

 

so he did, and went upstairs to sleep.

 

i reloaded the drivers, and it still didn't work. i finally shut the all-in-one dwon, unplugged it, replugged it, and turned it back on.

 

the fax worked just fine after that.

 

i was thinking about this little episode when i was surfing people's blogs and reading some of the caregiver's blogs. i was also thinking of my 81 year old mother, who was diagnosed with congestive heart failure (her doc didn't tell her, but i know the symptoms and the treatment) and given Lasix to clear up the edema in her legs. her doc told her that she MUST rest and sleep, which she hasn't been doing much of, being my dad's primary caregiver (with a 24 hr aide, me, and her friends) for over 2 years. she finally told me that she would allow me to help her clean her house and put away all of the papers that litter every surface of her house. (i also told my dad that he better behave and stop keeping my mom up all night because he's bored, because if my mom dies he's going into a nursing home. my mom refuses to set limits on him. he very *beep* off at me, but he's been quiet for the last two nights.)

 

from my mom's behavior and from these caregiver blogs that i have been reading, it seems that caregivers, especially when they are women, lose their identity and become part of the person that they are taking care of. i imagine it a kind of process that one undergos when one becomes Borg (resistence is futile.you will be assimilated! (google Star Trek for further details).)

 

well, i would rather be put down than become Borg. i am my own person, and i like it that way. my identity is mine, and i don't share it with anyone.

 

i really have difficulty imagining how my becoming John's caretaker is going to work out. i am not very good at standing behind John helping him get through the day while slowly turning into Seven of Nine (Tammy Wynette's 'Stand By Your Man" always made me puke, except when i sang it about Hilary Clinton.)

 

i really have to figure out another way to do this.

 

30. I WILL NOT, WILL NOT, WILL NOT become assimilated into John (or anyone else, for that matter.)

 

 

Hummm.gifPonder.gifScratch-Head.gif

5 Comments


Recommended Comments

Sandy, don't worry about how life is going to work out if John becomes more dependent, it may not happen.

And do you have any thoughts on how you uncombine your life again? That is beginning to worry me more.

Sue. rolleyes.gif

Link to comment

 

Sandy

 

When someone is dependant on you and they are family that you are responsible for, we have no choice but to become more and more involved in the activities that keep that person's life moving forward thus there is less 'me' time left. None of us caregivers like it that way, but it's about commitment and not being able to afford outside help to take on some of the responsibilities that must be done. That's why on my 'win the lotto' list the first thing I listed was hiring a personal assistant.

 

You never have to worry about being assimilated into John. You're an in-charge kind of person who follows the beat of a different drummer and it wouldn't matter if you're working at your profession or you're peeling potatoes in the Army, you'd still be an in-charge kind of person who follows the beat of a different drummer. (You are and you will continue to do the whole caregiver thing Sandy style.) You may go through a period in your life where you're in charge of things you'd rather not be in charge of, but the essence of you will always be there waiting to soar again. Just like I know there will be a day when I'll start painting again and when I do, I'll have found a new kind of freedom that I couldn't have achieved or appreciated before my caregiver days.

 

It builds character to do the things we least like doing simply because it is the right thing to do. No one can spend every waking hour just doing what we love doing best. If everyone did that, who would clean the septic tanks and unplug all the toilets in the world? smile.gif Hang in there Sandy, you will never loss you in the caregiver role. It's just a comstume that we sometimes have to wear.

 

Jean

 

 

Link to comment

Sister Sandy,

How true are Mom's words of wisdom? I have to agree with her though, you will always do things in Sandy style just as I hope to do everything in Pam style.

Don't worry about loosing your identity, I'll grab ahold of your hand and hold on tight if you feel it start to happen.

Pam

Link to comment

Right on, mom & Pam. Sandy is ****SANDY***

you may be more involed in doing things **out of love**responsibility, and the right thing to do. But you are a dynamic personality and you will not lose that. Your friends here know you and you can always reach out, for a hand or a chocolate martini

 

You-Rock.gif Bonnie

Link to comment

sue, jean, pam & bonnie

 

thank you all for your words of encouragement! You-Rock.gif you are all great friends.

 

i think that one of the main things that good caregivers (such as yourselves) do is to keep the focus on themselves. when you are keeping the focus on yourself, you can then make a conscious choice to take care of something or someone because that is what you want to do for a healthy set of reasons.

 

when you lose yourself in someone(s) or something(s) else, you become very enmeshed and expect the other person to meet your needs because you are taking care of them. that is very unhealthy and leads to major resentments, anger, whining, acting out, etc. healthy people occasionally feel and/or do these things as well, but we realize eventually that this is what we're doing and try to change our behavior, knowing that these feelings are OK if we don't act on them, and that they pass.

 

sandy cloud9.gif

 

Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.