Well I may as well try writing my blog in green, maybe it will help. The Holidays are over. I couldn't hardly get through them. I feel fine physically, it's the depression hitting me harder. I've been having nightmares every 1 out of 2 nights. My thoughts are NOT clear and it's more difficult to find a warm spot within me. I just don't feel good in my skin! Ooh I just hate myself that I cannot come out of this depression. I need to be planning my life! I need to know what I'm going to do if I lose my job.

I'm just so sick of going around in circles. I feel like nothing I ever do is "good" enough. I am 50 and STILL waiting to get a sense of closure as to why I don't have children. I still don't have closure with my divorce in 1992. I should not still be having feelings about this. It is difficult to love myself because I feel like a failure. And if this is a "pity party" then so be it. I'm just sick of always trying to do the "right" thing. It doesn't even matter WHAT you do anyway, when the stronger can get by with their power and corruption. I am Nothing more than a problem for them.

Boy I'm in a lousy mood. I've been trying to act "normal" all during the Holidays but felt like this garbage inside. Even in my dreams, I can't get a break?!