Friday, February 24 I got up, attended to my three year old son, fed the cats and had my morning cup of coffee. It was just a little after 10 am when I called my mom, like I do everyday. She answered the phone on the first ring. Her voice sounded funny...clear, just funny like she was worried. I ask her how she is. Big silence. She says not good. Something happened. She woke up with her left side totally numb, from the top of her head to the bottom of her foot. My stomach turns upside down. I keep calm with her, maybe she just slept wrong. She did fall asleep on the couch. Okay, she has tingly sensations now, maybe everything is just trying to wake up. Maybe she got a funny kink in her neck when she was asleep. Maybe. No...the more we talk, the more she is tingling. It's not getting better. Should have been better by now. Migod - don't panic. Reality is sinking in....she HAD a stroke. Migod. She doesn't want to go to the hospital. Could be it is okay. She wants to wait. She lives out of town by 10 miles. Country road, lots of turns. Not good to try to drive. Damnit...I don't have a car. John is at work, he won't be home until 5. She is still saying it might be waking up. An hour goes by. I'm still on the phone when John comes home for his 15 minute lunch. He sees the look on my face, the tone in my voice. He wants to know what happened. I grab a sharpie and a blank envelope - I write in big black letters "MOM HAD A STROKE". He doesn't say anything - he is quiet. I don't even know what my son is doing. He's quiet too, playing like normal. I tell my mom I will call her right back, as soon as John goes back to work. I get off the phone and burst into tears. I tell John I am scared for my mom. I tell him to come home early. He goes back to work, I call mom back. She still says maybe things are waking up. Darndest thing, she says. I want to wait, she says. She's my mom. She's always had a good head, she knows what's best. Okay, I tell her. She wants to lay down and take a nap. I say okay, I will call you in 2 hours. Please God, don't let anything happen.

I get on the computer and research. I don't know anything about strokes. Where to begin? I find what I am looking for. The words are in front of me. She is HAVING a stroke. Get her to the hospital...NOW. Call mom back, tell her what is happening. John is almost home from work, no, no ambulance, she doesn't want that. Okay, respect what she wants. Now to get to buisness. Bank account information, social security number, arrangements, etc. Keep talking, maybe talk until it's better. Hear her voice, know she's alive and it will be okay. GOD, PLEASE DON'T TAKE HER NOW. John is on his way home. Get off the phone, get my son ready. Where are his shoes....Call on my grandfather for his help from the other side. Call on my dad who can maybe help her from the other side, too. Please God - tell the angels that if they want me to believe in them - help her now. Get her through this. Don't take my mommy. Get to her house. She is losing balance. She is getting double vision. Get her to the emergency room. She is getting dry mouth. She is starting to not make sense as well. I'm scared, I feel like time is running out. Why is this taking so long? Why do they have to do the damned paperwork right now? Why aren't they coming with a wheelchair? I grab her left hand. She squeezes it. Strong grip. Finally, they get her to triage. He BP is freakishly high at 256/140+. They do a CAT scan. No bleed. No clot. Big miracle. They hook IV up to her and give very high doses of beta blockers. I can see her pressure starting to come down. She is calm. She always is. She is talking and trying to make jokes with the doctors and the nurses. No one can believe she had this happen and didn't have a bleed. One of the nurses even asks what it feels like to have pressure that high.

They get her stable. BP is coming down more after two more doses of beta blockers. They keep her in ICU overnight, then to Telemetry for three more nights. She survived. What a huge miracle. Don't really know for sure what the future will hold for her, but she can walk. She can even drive a little bit in the afternoons when the fuzziness from the morning batch of pills wear off. She got her vision back. She's doing better, bit by bit. As much as I am relieved that she even survived...I am so angry at myself and lack of goodjudgment. I never should have let her wait. I should have known to get her to the hospital right away. I should have called 911 for her. Damnit. Should have know right away not to think HAD -

But she is alive. She is here still, for me and my little boy. I can still call her everday. We have great conversations. She is very wise. She is a great mom, fantastic grandmother to my son. He loves her. She is still able to play with him. Not in the floor like she used to (yet). Miracles happen. I believe in angels.