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Chasing My Tail


sgriffin

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I've been doing some thinking today and I have learned that I have been waiting to die :death: . I know this sounds kinda morbid but instead of trying to live I have been scared to start my life again since the stoke. I know most of my fellow bloggers know what part of my problem is, but "she" is not what stops my progress. I will be going to work soon, but every time I am sure to go something else comes up with my health. The latest is the headaches have started again. Most of them I contribute to the weather changes, since the warmer days my head has started to stop up again. It's like something is stopping me, telling me I need to re-think things. So it's really a vicious cycle because I want to move on, but I keep getting stuck. I hope I am not making myself sick with the thought of working :uhm: .

 

I don't know if waiting to die is the right choice of words but that's what it feels like because it doesn't feel like living. I am not trying to depress anyone, but with all the new limitations things just doesn't seem the same.

 

In the summer months my family and I love theme parks and all the roller costers. I stroked in early May last year and when it was time to hit the parks I felt kinda limited. I want to continue to do the samethings as before but it's kinda hard. I have to research what I can and cannot instead of being adventrous and spontaneous.

 

I promise this is not stopping my progress towards acceptance, just the more I think the deeper everything gets, and the answers I get raises more questions. Now all I have to do is figure out how to stop chasing my tail I will be in great shape :bouncing_off_wall: . Time to go take something for my headaches. I hope I can convince the docs that I need a MRI, because the last time I blew these headaches off as sinuses...I had a stroke.

 

sgriffin

4 Comments


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Shelia,

 

I'll safe you a little time in your research and point out a post on the message board titled "roller coasters and strokes." http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showt...roller+coasters There's an article linked in that thread about the connection between riding on roller coasters and strokes. Depending on the type of stroke you had, all that head and neck whipping around may or may not be a smart thing to be doing.

 

Aside from that, I think you're doing very well in your process towards acceptance. You're asking yourself questions and you're recognizing the need to live life, instead of just endure it and those are huge steps forward.

 

Jean

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hey Sheila:

 

In our house I was and am always fun, first to go on rollercoasters ride with my son, but after my stroke and my left side being not as before I don't enjoy roller coaster rides as much, but I wil send my son with his young cousins and I will tag along and hear all the fun stories the way dad used to do, I guess now I will give company to dad. I view my stroke as opportunity for my mental growth :D I learnt compassion for people, previously in my fast life never noticed those under achievers, ok I m going on tangent topic. I think you survived for reason, you still have to raise your child as good human being. hey and going back to work is good goal.

 

good luck

 

Asha

 

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:cheer: Life is meant to be lived post stroke. Existing is not living and using your time wisely.

Do you really need to go back to work? Can't you just enjoy early retirement? I can attest to the fact that retirement is fun when you're young. And think I once hated the idea of being retired. Have I done a 360 or what? I'm even finally learning how to sleep in in the mornings. I used to get up at 4 a.m. whether I had to or not, now it is more like 8 or 9 in the morning.

Shelia, take some time and eat strawberries, savor them. You know what I'm referring to with the strawberries.

Acceptance has a funny way of making you think of more questions, just like philosphy.

Pam

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SHELIA,

 

 

I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL, I REALLY DO. WHEN I FIRST WENT BACK TO WORK IT FELT SURREAL. EVEN NOW, 2+ YEARS LATER, SOMETIMES WHEN I AM WORKING I FEEL AS IF I AM IN SOMEONE ELSE'S BODY, IT'S WEIRD.

 

 

AS FOR THE WAITING TO DIE PART, I UNDERSTAND THAT AS WELL. IT'S STRANGE THOUGH, THE PAST YEAR I HAVE STARTED LIVING AGAIN INSTEAD OF "EXISTING" , DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY. I'D LIKE TO GIVE CREDIT TO ANOTHER PERSON, BUT I KNOW THAT IT IS *ME* WHO WANTS TO LIVE AND THAT NO OUTSIDE FORCE COULD HAVE MADE ME WANT TO LIVE AGAIN.

 

WHO KNOW, MAYBE WE ARE BOTH NEAR THE TOP OF THE STAIRS A FAR AS ACCEPTANCE GOES.

 

 

AS FOR THE ROLLER COASTERS. *DO * NOT* DO * IT!!!!!!!! I DID TWO SUMMERS AGO WHEN I TOOK MY STEPDAUGHTER AND A FRIEND TO THE BEACH. I USED TO LOVE ROLLER COASTERS. I RODE THE SCREAM MACHINE AT 6 FLAGS OVER GEORGIA 57 TIMES IN A ROW ONCE.

 

 

HOWEVER, POST STROKE IS A WHOLE NEW HORSE OF A DIFFERENT COLOR. I GOT A MAJOR PANIC ATTACK AND CRIED WHEN I GOT OFF OF IT. THOSE THINGS ARE NOT GOOD FOR US AT ALL.

 

 

LOVE YA

KIM

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