I had some spare time this afternoon so stopped and looked for some photos I want copied for my grand daughter. They were photos of her other Granma I took at her parents wedding. I want her to see how pretty her Granma Val was. I think it is important for all of us who knew her to keep her memory alive.

While I was looking at the albums I found photos taken the morning of Ray's 2nd stroke. He stroked after attending a breakfast in the park at the end of a convention we attended. The first photos were taken three days prior and he was bright, smiling with confidence into the camera. He had a wonderful time at the convention, we were in a party of 18 from our club who went down seperately but met up for the four days of the convention. It was a thrill to have an adventure together, to joke around as you do with familiar friends, to laugh and have fun. We settled into our different motel rooms, met for drinks before going on to the welcome dinner. I don't have photos of that. It was a stand-up, finger food affair and it was good to relax after what had been a five hour drive from our previous night's stop.

On the second day we had a picnic in the bush following a steam train ride so I have photos of us all eating away under the shade of the gum trees. There was a formal dinner that night so we are all dressed in our best and looking tanned from our day outdoors. In that photo Ray looks a bit tired but he always tired more easily from his first stroke nine years before. He never had that second wind that would boost him back up and allow him to go on partying into the wee small hours so we often excused ourselves early and went back to our room before the others.

On Day three we had a town tour in the morning and an afternoon off, so Ray caught up on his sleep. A group photo was taken at the lunch and Ray is still smiling away. But I remember that night before we went out again he said he would be glad when it was all over. I think even after a slight stroke the toll it takes on your body lasts a lifetime. Ray worked for nearly nine years between his first stroke in 1990 and his second in 1999 but was never as full of health and good spirits as he had been before the first stroke. I did more at home despite working myself and did all the planning, packing etc for holidays. A lot of the work around the house and on weekends was on my list rather than his, looking back I can see that now. At the time I just took it for granted that Ray tired easily and put a lot of that down to his diabetes.

On Day four we repacked the car before going to the park, I think because we were going to head off. We had planned to only had two more days on the road and once back home a couple of days to unwind before going back to our jobs. We walked to the park, two streets away, I think because we didn't think there would be sufficient parking. Looking at the pics I took there are some of our friends sitting eating the bacon, eggs, fried bread etc that such a picnic breakfast entails. I remember Ray wasn't hungry and in the end just had a little off his plate. In the last photo he looks very tired and his face is drawn. It was shortly after that he asked could we leave now and on the way back up the hill to our motel I could feel him dragging on my arm. He stumbled and seemed to find it hard going walking up what was really only a slight slope. I thought again it was the diabetes, we had had a lot of rich food at dinner the night before and he hadn't been taking his medication as regulalry as he should.

That day finished with him in hospital in Intensive Care. He laid down as soon as we got back from breakfast. We stayed at the motel until our friends returned so as to say goodbye to those leaving straight away. I think we all slowly realised that something was wrong with Ray that was more than tiredness. One of our hosts took us both to the outpatient clinic at the local hospital and that was the last time he walked by himself for some time to come. It is hard to believe how we deluded ourselves. He had had a stroke, recovered, gone back to work. He had been on medication for most of his present conditions and yet he stroked again. But we thought it must have been the diabetes causing the trouble, thinking that a few days of rest would fix it and nothing more. We didn't recognise the second stroke although a lot of the signs were there.

The last photo of the series is of me, five days after Ray's stroke. While the doctors were still running tests etc I went to a dinner to farewell all those who had gone off on a four day tour after the convention and were then heading off home. I look at the two photos of me taken seven days apart, in the first I am flushed and happy, enjoying life, surrounded by friends, Ray is there too smiling for the camera. On the farewell night you can already see the weary look that carers so often wear. The smile is strained and I look tired, I didn't want to be there at the dinner. I was worried and longing to get back to be with Ray.

I remember feeling bereft that the last six members of our party would be on their way home the next day. I felt much older too. When a a major traumatic event happens in our lives it leaves an indelible trace. One that no future event will wipe out. There is no 100% chance of ever going back to where we were again as stroke survivor or caregiver. The face in the last photo looks wary, unsettled.

It was five more weeks before I left Bendigo. After a very event-filled six weeks Ray was air-lifted home while I drove over 1000 kms in three days by myself. I guess that proved that I had the strength for what the next seven years would bring along.

Our family and a few friends did come to Bendigo to support us. Our son said today he took 12 hours to get there by train, plane and bus. He stayed a week with me and flew back home. The others drove down and stayed four days. Friends drove for hours to get to see us for a couple of days. I have them still, those really good friends though some have health problems of their own and a couple I hardly hear from now.

It is good and bad, looking back at those few weeks. But we are still here. Out of the 18 people from our club in the photo three have died, two women of cancer and one of toxic shock caused by a virus that collapsed her major organs. Hard to believe they are gone and Ray is still here. But that is life I suppose.