Robyn,

One of the things I've learned about being a caregiver is this - functional and dysfunctional have been thrown out the window. Right now, for this time, his needs take precedent over my desires. Now, that may well be argued among caregivers and survivors and you and me. However, I didn't suffer the stroke. My body is intact, my mind still fully functional (somedays that is certainly arguable as well), I can read, write, balance the checkbook, cook the meals, clean the house and get in the car and drive off whenever I have the urge.

Bill and I certainly didn't intend for our lives to be like this. We had plans. Maybe retire to Mexico. For sure fly off to Paris. We were just getting into the week-end trips. And then, in just a few hours our lives changed forever. We have made a new life - a life that accounts for wheelchairs, walkers, canes - those are the added extras of our lives.

I belong to a 12-step fellowship that has taught me alot about serenity. For me, serenity is nonexistant when I begin obsessing about other people, places or things. And, oh, it's really easy to do that. Whenever I project into the future I get in trouble too. In my mind I always seem to project negatively. The funny thing is, no matter what it is, the thing I've obsessed about doesn't ever seem to work out the way I thought it would. I don't think I'm unique. It's human nature to expect the worst in every situation.

Robyn, I know you have a therapist. From what you've written you've undergone dramatic changes in your life over the past few years. In all of these changes, and with the help of your therapist I hope you will find who you really are - not who you would be with Jane, or who you would be without Jane, or how Jane could make you happy or unhappy, or what it would be like if Jane's family communicated with you. In the end it really has to be about how happy Robyn can be with Robyn.

Warm wishes to you,

That's what I'm seeking Ann...how happy I can be with me. Figuring out what I need in my life. That's why I'm letting go...this is what she needs...I'm giving it to her. It isn't what I want, but as you said, her needs take precedent. But how long should I wait? I have to let go of her...have to work on my life. I'm not closing the door...and I'm not necessarily telling her I'm moving on right now, but I'm preparing myself to move on.

I never wanted this but this is what I've been dealt and I'm trying to balance my needs, her needs, the kids needs...

Trust me, Ann...I wish I were the caregiver...wish I could help her...I'd gladly takeover the wheelchairs, walkers, canes, etc...assuming she'd want to be in my life. But its clear she doesn't right now...whether that is temporary or permanent I don't know...so do I continue to wait and hope? Or do I move on with my life in some small way, because, as you say with the serenity prayer...have the wisdom to recognize the things I cannot change...and I cannot change her state.

In this moment...RIGHT NOW...Jane doesn't want me in her life. So in THIS MOMENT...RIGHT NOW...I am moving on. If in the next moment she wants to reenter and continue working on this...gladly...I love her. But in THIS MOMENT...I have to move forward and let go of her in some way. Otherwise it is too painful...otherwise I obsess...otherwise it keeps me mired in despair and that doesn't help me or my kids.

I'm not running away from her...she has pushed me away. What else can I do? I'm open to suggestions...

Robyn,

I understand your feelings. I think. You're wondering whether or not the closeness that you thought you had with Jane was real, an illusion you both bought into or a lie on her part because it's just not the natural thing to do to push someone you love away to the point that Jane has where she doesn't even want you to call her family for updates. Whatever her reasons were---and there could be many including, I imagine, that she couldn't handle having the by-sexual issue so in the face with the family she now has to live with---that doesn't change the fact that no one can maintain a primary relationship when there is no regular contact. Bottom line: I agree with what you're doing...preparing yourself to move on with your life if need be. First I hope your therapist agrees that you need to make that phone call very soon.

Jean

Exactly Jean...exactly. I know what the reasons are...Jane has problems with intimacy and vulnerability. WHen she's healthy she fights back against those fears...but right now, she can't fight. So for whatever reason, I'm left with the concern that I have a "primary" relationship with someone who doesn't want me to contact her. That's just not a relationship when someone closes AND locks the door. I can't continue to sit here and smile and say "this is OK" forever. It's not like I'm with her or seeing her and she just doesn't want to talk romance...she has closed and locked the door. So I have to prepare to move on... In THIS MOMENT...it is over...

I'll see what my therapist says tomorrow about calling and when...

I just wanted to add, too. This hasn't affected JUST me... My son is having problems in day care. Hitting teachers and friends. Today when I went to pick him up to take him home early because of his behaviors he said he missed his old mom. I asked him what he meant, he said "I miss Jane...she's my older mom".

My daughter is older...she told me it makes her sad to think about Jane. She prays every night for Jane to get better and return to our family. I finally had to tell my daughter that Jane is just not going to be in our family right now because she is sick. That doesn't mean she didn't love us and want to be with us before, but she may be so sick right now she'll never get better. As much as that makes us sad we have to let her go right now and maybe some time in the future she may to come back. My daughter said that sounded ok to her.

Jane pushing back not only has affected me but its affected and hurt my kids too. This is someone they grew to trust...who told us that WE were all a family. She said she loved them. I can't just allow myself to sit in limbo because it affects my kids, too.

I hadn't thought of this before Robyn but want to add that if Jane was like my Ray she wouldn't have the energy to initiate the call. Since Ray's strokes I always dial the number and hand him the phone, he can't initiate actions like that. Mind you he would be thinking about me all the time and maybe talking about me, just couldn't ring me.

So PLEASE make a move and let her speak to you again. She might be longing for the call to come but be unable to make it happen.

Sue.

Possibly...but she did initiate the previous two calls I got so I don't know. Although perhaps now because there may be more at stake she may be afraid to call...afraid of how I'll react...afraid I may just push HER away, which of course I wouldn't do. But if she thinks I'm upset with her for pushing back a bit perhaps she is afraid to initiate the call.

I don't know...I'll see what my therapist has to say tomorrow...

HMMM...came back to add...I'm ASSUMING she initiated those two calls. It is possible someone made the call for her and handed her the phone... Someone maybe pushed her to make the calls...

In this moment...RIGHT NOW...Jane doesn't want me in her life. So in THIS MOMENT...RIGHT NOW...I am moving on. If in the next moment she wants to reenter and continue working on this...gladly...I love her. But in THIS MOMENT...I have to move forward and let go of her in some way. Otherwise it is too painful...otherwise I obsess...otherwise it keeps me mired in despair and that doesn't help me or my kids.

Robyn,

In my view, with your children's emotional well-being, knowing what you know.....this is probably the most wise, compassionate decision you can make. Now - keep in mind that's in my view. You have been a mess for a month - and with good reason. I understand your love and your desire to help care for her. I also understand how my emotions affect my childrens'. You may be seeing some of that, just as much as you are seeing the results of Jane's illness. I think the paragraph I've included in this post is profound, intelligent and that you are identifying your needs. Gawd, it's hard, isn't it?

I know my opinion is different than others who have urged you to call Jane. Maybe that is what you should do in order to clarify in your own mind what has gone on with her this past month. I've heard you say that she promised to call you. I've heard you say she asked you not to have contact with her family. These are the realities of your experience, and I think this has caused you more pain than her family taking care of her instead of you. You are an intelligent woman and you know better than anyone else your past relationship with Jane. You both know all the ghosts in the closet.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

I bet you've heard that prayer. I've repeated it so many times, for so many different reasons. I've certainly prayed it during these times following Bill's strokes. I hope you will see within its words the power you can gain when you understand which things in your life you must accept and which things you must change in order to achieve a real peace.

I know you realize that your kids need you first and foremost. They need to be your first concern right now. Jane is being taken care of. Your kids need Mom to wrap her life around them - especially with the loss they, as well as you are feeling. There are several situations right here on the board that aren't ideal when it comes to the spouse's emotional condition post-stroke. The number one thing though, is for the healthy partner to take care of the children's needs. Maybe it's time to explain that Jane is ill and needs to be taken care of by her family.

If and when Jane returns there will be MUCH healing (alot of resentments have developed in everybody) to take place. A family post-seperation has so much work to do. I'm speaking in general here, thinking about military families where one spouse has gone off to war. In those situations, when the lines of communication are open it is still a struggle to reunite. In your case there will be much more stress due to the current situation. This is just another consideration - but then, I'm getting you out in the future, aren't I - just the place I've admonished you NOT to go.

So, let's come back to today. What works for you and your kids today? I've heard you say it. Wow - you have alot to talk with the therapist about today!!!!

Warmly,

Thanks Ann...I'm smiling from ear to ear right now!! I couldn't agree with you more...everything you've said...EVERYTHING! Not being able to talk to her or her family is FAR worse than not being the caregiver. I gave that up awhile ago...but I would have done it...no doubt about it...gladly, willingly, lovingly!

I am VERY familiar with the prayer and I am changing what I can change and letting go what I can't change...

I did finally explain to Margaret (my oldest) that is the way it is...Jane is not well and isn't going to be in OUR family right now and she may never be again. But we have to deal with our lives and just pray for her to get better and maybe ONE DAY she'll reach out to us again. But we couldn't count on that. She seemed OK with that...Sam, my 4 year old, is going to struggle much more. They were closer and he is less able to understand.

I'm not even trying to think about what will happen if/when she wants to return. I'm not even going there... That is for the next moment. Right now, in this moment, I am moving on for myself.

Yes...looking forward to the therapist visit today!!! I'm focusing on the kids and me and what we need.

And today was the first day in a month I didn't wake up with a stomach ache. Go figure...

Robyn-I can't add anymore than the others have but wanted to wish you good luck at the Therapists today. Let's hope she gives you some good advice and some peace for all of you.

I am so torn when I read your blog.

On the one hand, thinking in terms of a normal, rational human being, I understand you completely.

On the other hand, as a stroke survivor, I scream DON'T GIVE UP ON ME JUST YET!

For the first few months after my stroke, I couldn't help but to think that Bob was much better off without me and I thought that me releasing him would be a huge favor to him. When we talked about it, I really needed his reassurance that he wanted to be with me no matter what. He had to reassure me A LOT. At first, I thought he was just saying it out of pity. I had to be convinced and it took quite a while. I'm not saying that it is identical to your situation with Jane, I am just giving my point of view and my experience.

I wish you, Jane, and your family well.

:hug:

I will come back to blog on this tonight, Sherri...I had a great meeting with my therapist!!!

I'm not giving up...just giving myself space to deal with the possibility it is over for real and allow myself to function right now. But I haven't COMPLETELY given up...I PROMISE! More later!!!