Robyn - sounds like you have a good plan.

I'm thinking when you call her, if you do talk to her, try to keep the focus on her..... In the same context, rather than telling her how you are feeling about what is going on, ask her about how things are going for her. Rob was very self-centered for many months after his stroke - - just remember it may be that way for her.

Rob was highly sensitive to his family asking him "if he could do so and so.....". He said it always felt (feels) like parlor tricks when people ask if he can move something or do something. So be careful with those kinds of detailed questions. He didn't like his family asking him what he did in therapy because it seemed he felt they were judging or being critical (that was his issue, not theirs). He was/is hyper-sensitive to their queries.

He can talk to me about these details - and is eager to do so, he just can't have that kind of relationship with his family. One thing that seemed to help was I could point out details of his improvements that he couldn't -- it helped keep him positive with the gains that often seem so small day-to-day, but when you look at it in weeks and months, they are huge.

Hope it goes well Robyn - good luck.

-Karen

Thanks Karen! I appreciate your comments and suggestions.

Interesting, I was reviewing notes I had taken while she was in the rehab hospital. They expected her, even then, to make a full and complete recovery, physically and cognitively. Emotionally that will be harder/longer and honestly, MDs never really get the emotional stuff, but I had forgotten what they felt her prognosis was. They said EXCELLENT that she'd go back to what she had done previously. And this was 2 weeks post stroke. Anyway...for what its worth...

Hi Robyn,

My experience with the physicians and therapist around Rob in the hospital and today, were and are careful not to give very high expectations. His rehab doctor told us he expected he only had a 20% chance of using his right arm/hand. Not sure what he ment by that, but although he has very little function, has good movement (this helps to prevent pain). The same physican told Rob (according to his memory) that he will never fly again. I am just not familar enough with strokes - but am curious that a doctor would tell a patient to expect a complete and total 100% recovery. Those are very high expectations. So I wonder how you will feel about it, if she doesn't make a full recovery after having been given the expectations that she will.

-Karen

I am so glad that you aren't giving up! :Clap-Hands:

Thank you for listening to what I needed to say without judgement, I appreciate that.

karen..."I" don't have any issues with that...she might, but I don't. I told her in the rehab hospital I'd accept WHATEVER the stroke gave us. I was in it for the long haul. But of course, that's assuming SHE wants to be in it for the long haul, too. But I'm NOT leaving her. This relationship ends if SHE wants it to end...

Right now I'm just giving myself some emotional distance to help me cope, so I can move forward. In this moment, I have to just let her go, but I'm not LEAVING, if that makes sense.

Sherri...Hearing from you really helped...it did!! THANKS!!! :hug: :friends:

Robyn,

Dear, Dear One.....I ache for you because we are very much alike in many ways.

Your need to feel you are in control really doesn't have much to do with your educational level! I've got a mere BA and that hasn't seemed to keep me from my need to feel like I'm in control. I know lots and lots of people who are in the same boat with us....

As a caregiver I find it real difficult to balance my control issues. Making it even more difficult is that I work a 12 step program of recovery. I work the same 12 steps an alcoholic works in their recovery - those same 12 steps apply to overeaters, families of alcoholics and co-dependents to name a few. Maybe you are familiar with them.

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or food, or people, places and things) - that our lives had become unmanageable.

My first challenge, and it sounds like maybe yours too, is to accept that I can't control anything or anybody but myself. Believe me, as a caregiver to a man who has lost just about everything but his life to stroke, it isn't easy to live like this. Everytime I think I've taken this first step little things like hospitals, doctors, therapists of all sorts, insurance companies, the government, nursing homes...maybe you get the idea...present yet another opportunity for me to "practice" taking the first step again. Where does managing our lives stop and trying to control other people, places and/or things begin? The line is fine and I'm not very agile.

Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

What - insanity? Oh yes, lots of it. I think the best definition of insanity I've heard is: insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over - expecting a different outcome.

For me Robyn, the challenge has not been in admitting my need to be in control. It has been accepting the need for control can drive me starkraving mad and if I want any serenity in my life I need to understand there is no way I am in control of anything, or anybody other than me. I said for years it was just my personality......well, yes, it is my personality but that doesn't mean the need for control is necessarily a character trait to be envied! What to do...lose myself? No, I don't think so - maybe it's to find why I feel I need to control everything and everybody around me in order to feel secure. Then I can learn how to control my own emotions so everything happening outside of me can lose its power to affect how I feel, act and react. For me that means a belief that there is a Power who can help in this overwhelming project. (Maybe you'd get a kick out of my blog about the color green!)

I don't know if my rambling makes any sense to you. And I sure don't want to sound like I'm lecturing, or to offend you in ANY way. As I said, I see myself in you. We all have to create our own life stories, that's a fact. I just want you to know you aren't alone in your challenges!!! Gee, and I thought I was so unique... :blush:

Best wishes to you,

Ann...you are incredibly sweet! I am VERY familiar with the 12 steps. No, I don't go to meetings, but the essence of them are what my spiritual work is about. My coach is a recovering alcoholic so we basically walk the 12 steps without calling it that. On top of doing coaching with her, I've been involved with her in two spiritual retreats so her experience and her guidance have been valuable. I quit drinking almost 3 years ago. I don't consider myself an alcoholic but I can see how it could be a possibility when I'm feeling like I can't cope so I decided to stop.

In the intense work I have done the last year I have finally acknowledged my need for control can drive me starkraving mad as well!!! With everything I've experienced in the last year...losing my job, moving, now Jane's stroke...UGH...I realized I was sinking! So I began working to get at my control issues...to learn how to sit more comfortably and at peace with those urges to go starkraving mad!!!! This last month has been absolutely amazing to me...watching and really understanding my journey through this. I think this is the first time in my life I've actually been able to recognize and work myself out of that place of madness. I finally understand it...finally. It is still a challenge but I am understanding it...and the work I've been doing REALLY WORKS!!!

As for the essence of Insanity...YES!!! Pema Chodron, a buddhist nun, says we are doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over again until we FINALLY get what we are supposed to learn from that experience. I think I'm finally approaching this after years of work...years of therapy...years of spiritual seeking.

So now that I've learned my lesson...can I have Jane back???!!! Just kidding...sort of...

Yes...I can emote and NO you are not alone!!! :hug: Let's do what we can to support each other!!