Robyn,

Forgive my ignorance, if what I'm about to say falls into that catergory. By 'intimacy' and Jane only wanting it only when she's comfortable do you mean to say she isn't/wasn't always comfortable being part of a bi-sexual relationship, that her feelings in this area have a lot of ambiguity? If I'm reading this correctly, I can understand why post-stroke Jane couldn't deal this AND all the stroke related issues same time. In any case, I'm sorry that it didn't turn out the way you wanted but I'm glad you now have the closure you need to put your own life back together.

:friends: Jean

No Jean...she never had issues being in a lesbian relationship, she had issues with any kind of emotional intimacy with people...sharing emotions...vulnerability, allowing yourself to "need" someone in a healthy way. She came out as a lesbian long before we met and had been in several relationships before me. Being a lesbian was something she embraced and was comfortable with. Its the emotional intimacy that's an issue... She always put up walls, in past relationships and in the pre-relationship days of our relationship.

This is really about her emotional intimacy issues...

Thanks for clearing up my misconception, Robyn. I guess I'm just not the familiar with the term 'emotional intimacy.'

Jean

I think you know it, without a doubt, although you may not think of it by that name. It is about reaching out, making yourself vulnerable to another...allowing yourself to fall in love...to need someone in your life. Sharing your deepest, innermost feelings...allowing yourself to be engaged even if you are uncomfortable... The normal stuff one would see in a committed relationship.

Dear Robyn,

Someone you love had a stroke. A life-changing event, from which recovery is slow and sometimes incomplete. As the partner of the stroke survivor, and especially as a parent of two small children struggling to carry on as usual, you have certainly faced your own upheavals. I maintain that for the stroke survivor it is just as difficult, if not worse.

It might not be easy for Jane to make this decision. Perhaps she is trying to free you. Perhaps she just needs to work on her recovery. Perhaps the stroke has weakened her resolve. Either way, I hope you can show her some compassion.

I hope you yourself are surrounded by kindness. I know that as a follower of Buddhist teachings, this is important to you.

Wishing you well,

Trina

Trina...she isn't trying to free me...she just has indifference towards me. And accused me of some awful things...too hurtful to even recount... Maybe some compassion one day...but not today...not now... Sorry...

Robyn,

I'm not a regular commenter to your blogs, but have experienced reaching out, allowing yourself to fall in love and needing someone in your life. The normal stuff one expects in a committed relationship that leads to the alter.

Then out of nowhere, they turn and slowly walk out of your life without looking back. That hurts unimaginable, I've been through three of them and it's tough picking up the pieces, I assure you.

But, you said it best, (Quote)"So life goes on...I'm sad, but relieved." The hard part for me was living with the decision to "try again?" I'm at ease in this fourth time around knowing this is the end of the line.

I wish you nothing but happiness in what ever decision you make. :scooter:

Thanks Fred...I know I will go on and probably love again. RIght now I just have a lot of healing to do and I have to learn how to trust again. To trust when someone says they love me and that I am their family they actually mean it.

The accusations she made are painful and hurtful and I have a clear and clean conscience regarding my actions in this relationship. I am angry and sad...

Robyn-I just wanted to say that I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you had hoped. Maybe Jane had these issues before stroke and that now the stroke has made a"mountain out of a molehill" so to speak. Personality changes do occur after a stroke. Some people get mean and nasty. Some get mellow (like my husband)

God works in mysterious ways. Maybe this was all meant to be and some day you might be able to get over the hurtful things she said. You are a strong person and I believe you will survive this. Take Care of Robyn right now.

Robyn,

Strange, isn't it? You began with your "closure" process last week. I've heard there are no coincedences in this life...In your heart of hearts you knew because you ARE aware of who you are, and accept who Jane was during your time together.

I don't know whether this is the right forum for this comment, but I'll make it anyway! Bill and I were talking one night about intimacy. He made a statement that's stayed with me, and I believe. He said he thought sex was just the beginning of intimacy. The emotional, spiritual aspect of intimacy is the glue that really holds a couple together. I think there are other caregivers out there who would agree.

I'm praying for peace for you - but also I'm praying for joy in your life. It's time now!

Warmly,

Robyn:

I am sorry about your breakup with Jane, but I think it will do you ton of Good. you will see things will turn out better than before, as a great believer in God, I think he will make sure your life is happy and more fulfilled than before. I feel good you now haveclosure, and you are strong person, loving and caring and so much to offer to the world.

Asha

GAH. I am so sorry. I really had hope and belief (as dumb as that may sound since we have never met face to face). I am so sorry. Durn it.

I have no doubt in my mind that you will find what you are looking for and what you need and deserve.

Take care of you and yours.

thanks everyone!! You guys DO mean the world to me and we've only known each other a few weeks!!! your continued support and insight have truly kept me afloat and inspired me over these last couple of weeks.

I know the Lord has beautiful things waiting for me...beautiful beautiful things...I just need to heal right now and learn to trust again...

Ann...I love you :hug:...you are exactly right...that is what intimacy really is...all that and more. And she just couldn't go there. My feeling is, from what everyone has told me, is that the stroke doesn't make you fall out of love with someone, but just lays bare your true feelings...and it DOES make me feel like all she said to me, all she pledged was a lie. Sorry I still feel that way but it is all I have right now...and it works for me...

I will stay in the blogging world here...but I don't think I can return to the forums...at least not right now. So I will post here and comment on other blogs to stay in touch with everyone!!!

I'm heading out this weekend...taking the kids camping! I'll be back Sunday evening!

XOXOXOXO

HI Robyn, I am sorry also, but I am glad the wait is over for you. You can now go through the anger, and grieving process of a lost relationship and move on. I also understand having been through 2 divorces and a widow once.

I am in a Happy comminted relationship now, maybe I had to go through the other hurts, to understand what I have now.

As they say when a door closes a "window" opens. I am also sorry for your children, it is hard when someone walks out of their life also....

My grandson was young when his dad left, we went thru some anger, and lots of talks, with assurance and love from us he understands it was not something he did, it was not something his mom did.. It was a choice his natural father made... that he is not a bad person, just making bad choices.

Hope you and the children have a beautiful time camping and don't forget the s'mores.. lol

(((((HUGS))))))) to you all.

:hug: thanks Bonnie!

Robyn,

It's curious that Jane said she doesn't think about you, however she still took the time to call you at the prearranged time.....

I'm wondering if she isn't taking her anger about the stroke out on you.

As an outsider who only has a small picture from your view - I still can't help but hope you two can at least have the opportunity to talk again in a while, so that at a minimum both of you can put your anger into positive places.

I just can't understand what positive aspect she was expecting was going to come from her not allowing you to talk to her for 30 days. What was the point of that? Was she just delaying the break up?

I'm hoping you heal, and feel better every day!

-Karen

No doubt she was prompted by her therapist who I know used to regularly talk with her on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Yesterday was Thursday...

I'm not holding out hope we'll talk again...perhaps, if she returns to academia, we'll see each other again at a meeting or conference or something. But I won't reach out to her...

I don't understand it either...but basically NOW by making me the scapegoat it gave her an out...can't blame her, she's not well...must've been that ROBYN was the bad person...ROBYN didn't care enough...ROBYN wasn't there for her...yeah...that must be it... Honestly, she might be dead right now if I hadn't sought out people to find her. If I had been with her in the hospital when her BP went sky high, I never would've let her leave and had said so to her at the time...but none of that mattered to her. She said "I'm not running away or toward you...just walking on my own path now...you can't understand because I am seeking the TRUTH...you only care about yourself and what you need, you don't care about what I need." HUH???????

Again, I assumed the relationship was strong before this...strokes don't make you fall OUT of love...if this is how she feels now, then she was lying to me before... I feel sorry for her, but I have NO interest in ever talking with her again, personally or professionally.

I'm a good person...I deserve to be treated better...

Remind me to change my avatar...that picture looks like a lie too. She's behind me holding me...go figure...

Very strange indeed..........We think of strokes as bad things; this one righted a wrong. And, just as it did straighten things out, more time was not wasted as could have been if this stroke had not happened. It really was was a good thing in the end. I truly believe in fate and faith and feel that a stronger power took the situation at hand and now has it headed for better things.

I hope Robyn that you will stay with us. After all, we are now "family" and you in a sense are a "caregiver" to all of us.

Phyllis

Like the others have said, everything does happen for a reason. I'm sorry to hear this has happened, but now that you finally know the truth you can move on and some day you will find the kind of love that you long for with someone who isn't afraid to be "emotionally intimate". At least you're not in limbo any longer.

I wish you the best Robyn, you are a good person, and you deserve better than what you've been dealt over the last weeks.

Tina

Robyn,

I would like to copy Tina's comments word for word but she'd probably slap me silly for plagiarizing her which explains why I kept my fingers off my mouse who would have loved to help me to copy and paste.

Jean

Oh my gracious you guys are TRULY TRULY the best!!!

I'm not leaving Phyllis...I will continue to be here and love and support all of you! I hadn't thought of things the way you put it...I'll reflect on that. Perhaps in the end you are right. But I need to sit with that for a while!

Jean and Tina...you can cut and paste each other in my blog...no complaints from me!!!

I'll come back later tonight to blog about my weekend and the impact this has had on my kids...whew...you mess with my kids, you cross the line...

Sorry that I can't read everything as it's too hard with my eyes and brain (eye's move faster to read then my brain can understand, I get confused).

I'm soo sorry about what happened. I'm going through this right now after 8 years marriage and together total 15 years together. Take it easy and maybe Jane just needs some time along (from you). My wife and I all always will be good friends though.

All the best

Bill

:forgive_me?:

:hug: Robyn,

I am sorry for what you've been through. You certainly can't say that you didn't try. You were willing to do what it took to stand by her and for that I :Clap-Hands: you.

Life is never easy, but now you can try and put the pieces back together. I will be praying for you and your children.

I am so so sorry, luv! It hurts like hell now but it'll just get you ready to handle the next one even better.........Wish we could :beer: :Beer-Chug: :Cheers: take ya out for a pizza and a beer!

Things will get better , but let yourself have the time to grieve and heal..........we'll always be gere for yu.....

Wishing you only good thoughts and pleasant dreans........ :cloud9: