If I can help you out, its my pleasure -

Now, if I were you, I couldn't have put up with what you have for so long, you must be special -

Its obvious Mom needs help, and for the sake of the whole family, you just "may"' have to place her & don't expect her to understand

Hope I have helped

June :2cents:

I'm glad you have a place here where you feel safe letting that all out of your system. It might not help for long, but it does help to write out your feelings. You've got a full plate, that is for sure.

 

It sound's like your life-long pattern of babying your mom has come back to bite you in the butt. When this happens----

She sometimes won't ask them and waits for me to walk by.

I hope you are strong enough to say, "Mom so and so is here to help you now" and keep right on walking. If you do that every single time, eventually she'll quit waiting for you to ask for things when other family is there. Some situations can only change if you change the way you react to them.

 

I know I have mentioned this before but why can't you and your husband move back to your own bedroom and quit using the pull down couch next to your mom? You can get a baby monitor to put next to her or even set an alarm clock to check on her during the night. You could even get a nanny camera where you could watch her from other parts of the house so you don't have to run and to physically check on her. To me, allowing your mom to even consume you at night time, when you should be in bed in your own room, is a sure fire way to destroy your marriage, your health and your ability to make this arrangement to have your mom in your home last for the long haul. You're going to end up with a nervous breakdown and then who will care for you mom AND for you?

 

Sending you all kinds of virtual hugs..... Jean :friends:

I'd like to echo Jean here. I think you need to physically distance yourself from your mom now. I had both my parents here just after Ray came out of hospital with his major strokes. Dad would call out through the night and I would run to him but that could have only gone on for a short time, we both knew that.

 

When some one else is going to take over the care of your mom they need to be the primary carer. Maybe you could have a little ceremony for a few times. Say something like..."K is here to look after you now so here is the bag of what you need, see I am handing it to her now?" Then just walk away.

 

It is hard to take time out for yourself but it is important to give some time to the kids too. So if you take too much time from them to give to your mom will you regret it later?

 

Big hugs coming your way (((((((hugs))))))).

 

Sue.

Since my husband had his stroke at the age of 56, we have had a lot of depression also but sounds like you have a plate full. Congratulations to you for being such a wonderful person. Trudy

Amen to Jean's comments. I understand your situation so well since in many ways Bill is like your mother. He doesn't cry and throw fits, but he certainly does sulk. Even though he is in a nursing facility right now he waits for me to come and help him. Today I spoke with the nurse and she admitted that since he "walks around" the assumption is that he can do all for himself.

 

You just can't keep up the pace you have established for yourself. There is no doubt you are a caregiver. The challenge is to not become codependent. By this I mean you are probably at a really high risk of basing your emotions on the emotions of everybody around you. 'I feel so bad when she is unhappy.' So you put your feelings aside and start running around trying to make everything ok for her....until finally you just snap. There is a limit to what you can do. In your case you are probably beyond your limit. When I read your post it was staggering to think that you have all this responsibility. I feel like a real wimp and whiner for being exhausted and frustrated in my situation.

 

I know I've written to encourage you about all the things your kids are gaining by having their grandmother in the home as they grow up. I think it would be a real shame if in the midst of it all they lost their mother to a physical and emotional break-down and their parents' marriage to their grandmother's illness.

 

I don't know your parents' situation and if I read your blogs further I'd probably know that, so I'm sorry if my next question is out of place. If you called your dad to come and stay with your mother today for a little while, why is she not in their home with him and a caregiver? Whether the caregiver is you and your siblings and their spouses taking turns, plus friends and other family members, church family, or whoever. Maybe I'm wrong, but would medicare help to pay for any nursing care? I'm sure all of this has been considered, and I do apologize for not knowing more of the details surrounding your situation. It just seems you have been put in a place that others are very comfortable with - at the expense of your husband, children and the twins. Obviously you are the "good daughter" to have your mom there and to have taken the twins in to your home.

 

It is really important for you to talk to your siblings about the situation with your mother asking for your help when they are there. Let them know what is going on. Let them know what her needs typically are during the time they are with her. Leave the house when they come - yes, go in your room...but let them take over. It sounds like your siblings are pretty comfortable with just allowing you to do for her even when they are there, too. I think it would be great if a new schedule was devised - say one comes in on Friday night and takes over until Saturday evening, at which time the other comes in and takes over until Sunday evening. I'm sure there are all kinds of reasons why this "won't work" because they "work" during the week. I wonder what your job is called - 24/7 on duty.

 

We all "whine" a little here - this is a great place to do that! We want you to take care of you. I'm a real expert on NOT doing that. Believe me, the longer you ignore your needs the more difficult it is to allow yourself to even admit to them. And then the resentment begins to invade your life because you've really had some expectations of others without even voicing them.

 

I really, really do hope you find a way to give yourself a break. And, if there is no way for you to get help in the home I hope you will seriously consider a nursing home. My husband is currently involved in rehab at a Skilled Nursing Facility. Believe me, you won't just be "dumping" her off someplace for somebody else to take care of.

 

Warmly,

Hi Ruth,

 

Just want to add my support for all you're going through. I have to agree with everyone who's replied to you so far. You are doing a wonderful job. So is your husband.

 

I hope you can move back to your own room at night. I agonized at leaving my husband downstairs on his own in the days when he couldn't get upstairs. But with the mattress that pumps in alternating patterns, he didn't need turning every 2 hours after all, and it made all the difference. Really!

 

Hang in there.

 

Trina