Had a good meeting with my therapist. Coming to realize there is nothing I could've done differently that would've changed this outcome. I'm not "at fault" for this situation. Not that Jane is "at fault" for having a stroke, because that would be ridiculous BUT the more my therapist and I dug into some of the intimacy issues of my relationship with Jane the more it was clear to me that this really is about her baggage now. Yes, the stroke laid these things bare and revealed them, but otherwise they might not have been ever at issue because in her healthiest moments she always worked to be there face to face and toe to toe with me emotionally. But the stroke has really created this context.

I'm still hurt, I'm still angry, I'm still profoundly sad...she still said things that hurt me. But at least I'm working on not OWNING that I did this or something wrong to cause her response to me. This is about her and her issues, stroke-induced or not and I can't and won't shoulder any guilt or blame for the way I did things...I wouldn't change a thing. I did what any normal loving partner does. Her inability to accept that and be comfortable with that was HER problem, not mine. Unfortunately I am caught in the wake of this, along with my children. Fortunately, my therapist will see the three of us next week to help us move on from this experience and learn how to love and trust again.

So I feel a bit lighter. Am working on closure with those whom I feel the need to have closure. I emailed mutual friends last night and gave them the news...all are shocked and saddened and have offered their love and support to both Jane and I, as well as the kids, which is nice. Unfortunately, Jane has pushed EVERYONE back so that support may never be felt by Jane, sadly. I'm still trying to reach out to Jane's brother. I'll probably leave a message for him some time this week and I think that will be the last bit of closure I need to let go and move on more constructively.

I want to recapture my life right now and not live like a heavy brick is across my back. I want to laugh again...I want to LOVE again, but not right now...

And remind me to NEVER EVER have a long distance relationship again...NEVER EVER...been there done that...