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Getting ready for the weekend...

Robyn

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So I'm taking the kids back east to see their dad tomorrow...its a costly trip because I have to fly the three of us from St. Louis to Albany NY...even on Southwest it is $1100 for us to fly. I have to do laundry tonight, grade exams, pack bags... We have an 11:50am flight and should get to NY by 5:30...long day.

 

Once I drop the kids off with Dad, I'm staying with my friends Josie and Kathy...they are going to take good care of me which I need desperately. Dinner tomorrow evening and a comfy couch to sleep on...surrounded by good friends, what else can I ask for...! :D Saturday I'm going to spend the day at my retreat center...first time I'll return there since Jane's stroke...it is where I was when I found out about her stroke in July. I know it'll be hard, particularly since I had hoped to be with HER this weekend visiting her, but now, of course that is no longer an option. So I'm indulging myself in good food, spiritual centering, a 90 minute massage, and a soak in a hot tub.

 

Sunday I'll head out to my unsold house and close the pool for the season officially. I only did a cursory job in June when I left upstate because I had hoped it would sell. But now I'm still stuck with having to pay my rent out here and the mortgage back there. Draining money from my retirement account but heck...who cares about that stuff right...I may NEVER retire...I may not be able to afford it...sigh... I have to decrease the price of the house again and just keep hoping. And people wonder why I have so much stress in my life...sigh...

 

I should be back here by 9:30pm-ish on Sunday evening...hopefully the kids won't explode too much traveling!!!

 

We'll take another trip back east in November...dad will be here in another week as well...he's doing his part to really stay present with the kids. It just bothers me that he doesn't call them regularly. I just don't get that...how can a parent NOT want to talk to their kids????? When he has the kids I call them EVERY DAY!!! I hope he can get the final adjustments to the custody arrangement put together so I can take care of all the final details and get things filed. I'm sure we'll be talking about that tomorrow.

 

I'm still sad about things...more at peace...able to move forward, but definitely still sad. I feel so violated...lied to...I don't know. When you entrust your love to someone you sort of expect they will hold it sacred but its like she just took it for granted by walking away without even trying. It feels like such a violation... I have to write her a letter once I gather together the final things I have in the house to return to her. Still not sure what I will say but I am hurt and believe she needs to know that. I won't be mean or spiteful but I'll be honest and direct...the way I've always been with her...maybe one day it will all register with her...maybe one day she'll realize what she threw away without a second thought...it is painful to think the person I thought loved me just doesn't care any more...

 

Another hard weekend but I know I'll be OK...one day at a time! See y'all Sunday evening!

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jriva

 

 

Glad to hear you are going to get the pampered friend treatment this weekend.

 

On your husband not calling the kids more often: maybe it's too hard for him emotionally to be reminded of the separation from them? I know when my brother first separated, the sound of his kids' voice on the phone would tear him up for hours afterwards.

 

Have a wonderful weekend!

 

Jean

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justsurviving

Robyn,

 

Wow - that is a heck of a weekend that you have planned! Traveling with kids looks incredibly difficult - multitasking to the limit. :juggle:

 

Where in NY are you trying to sell? I lived in Binghamton (well, actually - Endicott but close enough) for 2 years in 1999/2000 & even then the market was saturated with too many houses and not enough buyers - it was (and probably still is) a very depressed area.

 

I wish you peace, happiness, and calmness for your trip.

 

Take care.

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Robyn

Sherri...My house is outside of Albany in East Nassau, NY...Rensselaer County. Binghamton is way more depressed than Albany was until about May when I put my house on the market. Now the Albany market is flat...sigh...

 

Jean...I'd agree with you if it were actually something he did BEFORE we moved but he never really called when he didn't have the kids and this has been going on for three years+ . It's just his way. Most divorced fathers I talk to actually call their kids every day...he just doesn't. I've urged Sam to call his dad more this past week or so but that's because Sam has been really acting out and I figured speaking with dad would help. Dad hasn't called regularly so we've had to do it...I just can't get him to call... It isn't that he doesn't love them, but I just don't get it...

 

My friends are awesome...many have called and emailed...some said "So now are you going to move back home???" It is nice but I didn't move for Jane (although I tried to move closer to her) so moving back isn't an option. They are all giving me whatever space I need and whatever embracing I need which is great!

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arogers

Robyn,

 

I hope you have a great week-end - friends do help us!

 

I know we all need to do what we need to do to get through the hard spots in our lives. Your reality is telling you your life with Jane was based on a lie. I am just reviewing my own life and I wonder what makes us different - personalities I guess. I just can't imagine that, even though I divorced after 32 years, all of that time was based on a lie.

 

In my mind, when you are feeling your relationship was based on Jane's lieing to you you are really beating yourself up (how could I "fall" for her? what's wrong with me? how could I be so gullible?) right along with holding alot of resentment toward her about what was. I'm probably not reading where you are correctly. I guess I'm also thinking that your kids' dad has probably had some of the very same thoughts of you that you have of Jane...Our feelings are all based upon our own reality, aren't they? I'm sorry if I've overstepped boundaries. I think you know by now I'm only thinking about your best interest and not trying to judge you. It's all ok, really - you are working your way through the mud and will come out all shiney clean after the rain!

 

One of my mantras.......expectations lead to more resentments than anything else in my life. As you are learning so well, life quite is a journey.

 

Have a great time this week-end!

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Robyn

In my mind, when you are feeling your relationship was based on Jane's lieing to you you are really beating yourself up (how could I "fall" for her? what's wrong with me? how could I be so gullible?) right along with holding alot of resentment toward her about what was.

 

Yeah...that's about right...!!! LOL!!! I know I won't stay here, but its where I am right now. I really don't WANT to believe it was a lie, but it does feel like a violation when someone one day says I love you, you're my best friend and the next day, CIAO BABY...! I'll make peace with that as well I'm sure...that's what I'm paying the big bucks for therapy to help understand. I know deep down it is the stroke-induced confabulation and her emotional intimacy/baggage but I'm not ready to make peace with that yet, know what I mean? It still hurts too dang much... We all have to work down our paths of healing in our own way!!

 

:hug: XO Robyn

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