• entries
    13
  • comments
    91
  • views
    3,854

Linking Blog Thoughts

azrabbit

Entry posted by azrabbit

822 views

 Share

I was just reading Sue's blog about marking time and noticed her's began with a reference to Heather's comments. I love how interdependent we are with each other on the site to help us "talk" out what we are feeling.

 

I understand how you feel Sue, and most times I can be happy marking time. But some days or moments I find myself longing for things to be different. It is usually after we have attempted to do something in the "new normal" way that we used to do with ease. Or after visiting with friends and then experiencing the let down of knowing it will be days before I have intelligent two way conversation again.

 

I was listening to NPR on Saturday evening, the Prairie Home Companion show, and had to turn it off. They were singing a song about a woman who was 91 and she had apparently been the care giver those entire years. I almost crashed my car thinking - OH MY GOD, is this what the rest of my life will be like? Single motherhood, care giver for Dad and now Denny? :Sob:

 

I started this blog with every intention of looking forward, so I won't let this blog be about what I miss. After all there are length limits! :Ask: But how did I get from looking forward with a positive outlook to looking forward with longing for change? Do you think that some people are just destined in life to be the ones looking out for others? Do they ever get their chance at being cared for? How do I turn around the lonliness and find that satisfaction again in my life's circumstances. I remember my Mother always telling us to be content with what we have. When we would wish for something, she would tell us "People in Hell want ice water too!"

 

I am going away on business this week. For the first time since Denny's stroke, I will be leaving him for an extended period of time in the care of another. I am ashamed to say I don't think I am going to miss being here. I will miss him and knowing that I can walk into his office and see that he is ok and doesn't need anything. But, I am so looking forward to sleeping alone, getting dressed alone with no one watching or asking me what I am doing. Walking at my own pace through the airport, eating when I feel like it, or not. I just hope I can go without the guilt monster rearing up to bite me in the butt!

 

 Share

9 Comments

Recommended Comments

Robyn

I like how our blogs link together as well. It is nice that we all support and feed off of each other's energy.

 

Enjoy your time away! I love my children beyond measure but I also enjoy having moments to reconnect with ME...ROBYN...not mom, or sister, or daughter, or partner, or lover, or professor...just ROBYN. It gives me energy to go back to those other roles

Link to comment
swilkinson

Ellen, this mixed bag of feelings you have just expressed is what we all feel as long time caregivers. We feel happy for the progress our survivor has made, sad about the independence we have lost. We look to the future with both hope and trepidation.

 

Enjoy your time "off" and miss him but value yourself too. Yesterday (Monday) was Labor Day so while others were enjoying a long weekend I missed out on waving Ray off on the Daycare bus and didn't go see my Mum as Ray was here all day.

 

I am a Lion and our symbol is a two faced lion, one face looks back to learn the lesons of the past, one looks forward to the future. In our caregiver situation we do that too.

 

Sue.

 

Link to comment
azrabbit

Thanks so much Robyn and Sue for understanding. Your replies are just what I was talking about...the chance to air my feelings without being judged!

 

Sue - I love the Lion analogy!

Link to comment
bstockman

Ellen I have been a caregiver in the past and now a survivor, and as Robyn says we all need time to be US, I do too.. even as a survivor I like a day alone, with the dogs to clean or cook, or visit my friends here on site.

 

Enjoy your time, off course you will be glad to return home, but enjoy your "you time" we all do.

 

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) put the guilt monster with the dust bunnies.

Link to comment
Deenie

 

did you ever hit the nail on the head when you said we have to find ourselves again and live for me once in a while instead of just being a caregiver. seems the more I try do what I can to make life easier the more uncooperative he gets....I really try to look to the future but

it just seems there doesn't seem to be one...maybe tommorrow will be better but today stinks...

Link to comment
azrabbit
put the guilt monster with the dust bunnies

 

Lord knows I have PLENTY of those to go around. I used to have a poem I stiched when my daughter was a baby about cleaning house not being important because I was rocking my baby and babies don't keep, now I feel like rewriting it to include I am caring for someone I love and the dust can just wait!

 

Thanks Bonnie!

Link to comment
azrabbit

Dennie - thanks for understanding! It is good to be able to say, "Today just stinks!" I hope you have lots of better tomorrows!

Link to comment
Deenie

thanks for caring today was a more productive day and nothing like the one from hell..hope we can see a few more as winter is approaching and things need to be done,,, they're talking about stem cells on discovery so am going to go.. :

Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×