...And what about forgiveness
Entry posted by Robyn
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Yeah...been thinking a lot about forgiveness. Wondering when I'm going to be able to forgive Jane for how she has treated me. Part of me wants to...part of me is still angry and bitter and very very hurt. I felt like there were all sorts of promises made, not about things or events, but about commitment and love and devotion and loyalty. I can live with changes in events...but how can you say you love and are committed to someone one day and completely ignore that and not care the next? I mean, I really know the answer...it is about her problems and then is exacerbated by the stroke...I know that...I do. But what my mind knows and my heart feels isn't always in alignment. I want them to be in alignment though. I don't want to harbor resentment and bitterness towards her but its hard right now. The wounds are still really fresh.
I know I'm getting better. I'm laughing more...there is joy in my life...I'm moving forward, meeting new people! The sadness sits in a little cocoon inside of me...every once in a while it invades my system and I find I'm deeply sad...last week a few times...last night a strong sense of loss and sadness...but eventually the cocoon hides away. Thankfully it isn't wandering as much any more. I'm acknowledging it when it happens...letting the sadness be and letting a few tiny tears fall in acknowledgement of its existence...honoring it...but otherwise I feel stronger and happier than I've felt in months.
If nothing else, I've become wiser about the things I find negotiable and non-negotiable in a relationship. Things I overlooked with her, I won't do anymore. I won't get into it here...but I know what is meaningful to me and what is not and I won't go through this experience again, nor will I put my children through this again with someone who truly doesn't want to be in it 100%. Anyone that says "I am selfish and I've been in therapy non-stop for 15 years" I am running far far away from...far far far away...no matter how much they want to believe they are ready willing and able for a committed relationship. It just ain't gonna happen...not with me.
Anyway...I am still in the "angry" phase and am hoping to move on towards forgiveness. Once I can soften that place inside of me, I'll know I'm ready for the next phase in my healing...ready to meet someone else and begin anew. But I don't know if there is something I can actively do or if this is really about time heals and I just have to wait until the appropriate amount of time passes. That is what I'll be chewing on for the next couple of days I guess...
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