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Ramblings


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The 5th anniversary of mom's death was March 8. Is that why I'm so sad? A big part of it, I'm sure. And then there's this medical stuff. NOBODY understands. I don't understand either. How long have I been having TIA's? Were they all before my stroke? Something's not right in my head. I can feel it. I wait for the BIG bomb to explode.

 

I'm worried sick about going back to work. I KNOW I won't be able to handle it....the stress, the people I work with, the noise, the constant chatter in the room, the phones never stop ringing. I know it'll be too much for me. I can't stand the noise anymore. Everything's too loud everywhere. If I answer a 911 call will I remember what to do? what to say? This is life and death stuff. I have to know what I'm doing or it could mean someones's death. I can't handle that pressure now. I know I can't. But, how do I get people to understand that? How can I convey to the doctor's that going back will kill me? I'm so scared. Financially, I NEED to go back. I can't continue to live on 60% pay. It's just not enough. The stress of worrying about bills is taking it's toll, too. Catch-22...welcome to my life.

 

The people I should be able to rely on are the very ones who don't understand. They have no tolerance for me. They're locked in their own little happy world and I'm stuck on a back burner. They don't understand my moods and think I'm just being a bitch. They don't understand when I cry and just tell me to "get over it". Yah ok...I'll get right on that.

 

Was told the other day that if I need brain surgery or get sick (er), that they'd put me in a nursing home. I wasn't surprised. I've known all along no one would want to take care of me. It would cramp their style and interrupt their lives. Can't have that happen. No way. Put the old broad away and forget her.

 

I guess I'm in a real downer mood lately and only I can do something about that. I haven't taken any of the antidepressants the neuro doc gave me. Not sure why. I guess I haven't because I know that's not going to fix the damage in my brain.

 

Events of the past 2 yrs. have ruined my life but, I can't blame anyone. I allowed it to happen. I chose to help someone over and over to the point of my own ruin and I know now that my help wasn't appreciated. I know I should have just walked away. I guess that's what I'm doing now. I think it's going to be a big part of my survival even though I will be going through this alone....totally alone. Face it, old girl, you've been alone a long time. Life pretty much sucks. BLAH....

 

 

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