hey Heather:

I tend to believe suffering makes you strong, compassionate and humble, good qualities to have. I feel I had stroke for reason, I was too busy in my life and too self centered around my needs, so stroke allowed me to see people less fortunate than me, and made me realise how much still I got, and I thank God for all that,

I also strongly believe everyone has some kind of problem, mine is right now too visible, but hey no one knows future so why ruin my present be angry and sad, I am going to enjoy my every day with best of my ability, and do things for my family who I love dearly.

Asha

Dear Heather,

I think our spiritual journey is the most difficult journey of all. The wonderful thing about your post is your honesty. Your pastor was so right when he said it's ok to be angry. I don't think I'd want to put my faith and trust in a God who only wants me to be like an obedient little puppet. I felt for a lot of years that if I got angry at my parents, or did something they didn't approve of, they would abandon me. It is God who has promised never to leave me - even in the bad times.

I'm sure you've seen the poem called "Footprints". The person who wrote that poem asks God why he saw two sets of footprints in the sand until he got into trouble, then when he really needed God to be there with him he could only see one set. God's response was that the reason he only saw one set is that He had picked him up and carried him during those awful times.

I've been asked why, if I believe in "God" don't I have a life that is free from the pain I've been faced with over the past five years. I don't have faith in my God in order to have an easy time of it. I can't tell you how, or why, but my faith gives me a peace during the bad times as well as the good times that can't be explained.

I think every survivor and caregiver here will tell you there are many stages of stroke. It isn't just the physical assault you've suffered. It's been attack on your body, mind and spirit. Your questions and anger are healthy and necessary for your recovery. It IS ok to be angry because it can pass. One way is to read about other survivors and how they are recovering. Lives are changed, but sometimes that change can open doors that never would have been opened without the pain you have and are suffering. I know, for me as my husband's caregiver I would not be the woman I am today without the experiences I've had during this time.

Warmly,

Heather, I am really sorry and saddened that you feel this way.

I don't like what happened to me. I have less deficits than many. There are many things I do miss. I prefer not to dwell on those and think of what was spared and what I can do.

I read somewhere we have to have some bad times, so we know the good times.

Sometimes we have to look for the little enjoyments. Life is a gift. I still enjoy the sun on my face, my dogs snuggling with me. The smile on my grandchildren's faces.

I like Asha think maybe this happened for a reason.. to slow down, there are many that have less than I do.. instead of focusing on what "was" I try to think of what I have and be thankful ...

Hi Heather,

I just republished one of my old blogs about God. I hope you will read it. Making your piece with God will take some work but it's a worthy goal that can take away a lot of your pain. My God does not punish or reward....so if you want, read my blog because how you understand and define God is really important right now in your recovery process.

Jean

http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?act=m...owblog&blogid=5