OK - Itt's actually brochitis with a sinus infection now - I get to go have my sinuses CTscanned on Monday - yay! Tired and not being able to sleep even after the hot toddies with a little beam in them.

Still sick

Has given me lots of time to think and write in my journal - the really good stuff goes in my journal - have given up the ghost for a reconcilition with a former friend of mine. It all boils down to control. Her wanting to have it over my life and my recovery, and my ability - along with Dan (DH) to make our own decisions and keep control.

She disagreed that I should have started to drive when I did - although the doctor approved it.

She wanted to control my schedule and what I would do everyday - I'm still recovering - some days I don't even get out of bedI'm so tired/depressed huting.

This cold weather does wonders for making my muscle spasms rocket up yo a full cramp in nanoseconds - makes walking outside a real challenge. So, when I get into a really comfy and warm spot inside - I pretty much stay there.

Have been writing a lot and so a lot of memories are coming back of what happened right around the time of my stroke.

I wonder if there is anger directed at me instead of herself because (as she is a nurse) she eally didn't catch the pre-stroke symptoms before they happened? I don't blame her - heck-even my docs had no idea. And then there is the fact that it happened while I was working for her husband that morning in his office when it happened. I'm sure some type of claim could comr out against that.

Then she drags the kids into it all. My kid can come to her house, but her kids can't come to mine - what bullshit - hypocritical christian bullshit.

Conveniently "forgets" to mail the letter from her daughter to mine for almost three weeks -

Worst of all , she's put a good mutual friend in quite a bind since I now understand that if she is caring for either of the wench's kids, she cannot bring them up to visit with us - she's home-schooling her kids so scheduling isnt a problem - it's finding a day off from babysitting. Quite selfish if I say so - and very taxing o n our mutual friend. Controlling K's life because she can't control her own - and K really doesn't have the option of turning down the work or the money. Not very fair for K. Even my 12 year old said so!

Definite control issues - couldn't handle that I needed to not be on the phone to talk for a while - it was very hard - thought that was a bad decision and that I should have just let people talk all over me - yea, that would have helped my rehab.

Ok, I'm really getting tired of rehashing this - because in a way this is allowing her to control me still. So, it stops now. TThere was talk of bridges being burnt - guess what honey? the whole settlement has gone up in flames. I am so dissappointed in you , especially with the knowledge that you carry as a nurse, that ther'll be no mending - I wish you hadn't brought the kids in to it - you did that fair and square-I have no blame there. Planting your seedy little messages to your daughter to be delivered to my daughter behind my back - upsetting her to the point of tears and earning more of her distrust of both you and your husband, Did you know that most of the kids are scred of him? Those loud scary noises he makes, trying to be funny-scary, only scare and make the kids uncomfortable around him.

B - you are a heck of a guy and I love ya like a younger brother - and that's probably part of the problem too - have always sensed a little jealousy there. Man, when somebody takes you up on your offer to slow it down or tame it down. Listen to them - don't drink another beer.

The booze is a problem - even your daughter breaks down in tears when you start drinking - I think that should be a wake-up call! You are trying to run from the family's past but you are running in a circle right back to it by abusing alcohol. Please stop.

Okay, better with that off my chest - going to try to sleep now.