hey Robyn:

this kripalu name sounds Indian, where do you find such retreats, pretty interesting, I neever understood before marriage how can married people keep 2 accounts separately, in my mind that said they don't trust each other completely yet, I feel blessed that I was raised in India, where once you are together, you are in for life till death break us apart

Asha

www.kripalu.org They are located in Lenox Massachusetts. Yes, it is Indian in name and history. They have seminars regularly...over 600 per year. I think you'd love it here!

I agree, a couple in a partnership should have joint accounts, etc. It is how it should be. That is a partnership...

Hi Robyn,

Nice to see your update!

What happened in those 48 hours that changed things for her?

What happened in those 48 hours is that the full impact of Jane's stroke probably caught up with her and that knowledge turned her life upside down, changed her perception of herself and everything she'd known previously.

I get the impression that you are still looking for something that you could have done or said differently that would have saved the relationship or, at very the least, you are seeking the knowledge of what went wrong so you can prevent the same thing from happening in a future relationship. Robyn, I hope this doesn't sound harsh but I don't think you ever really got it---the extent in which a stroke effects a person's life, both physically and emotionally. Relationships almost always go on the back burner for the survivors.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is to quit doing the postmortem. It's not your fault. It's not Jane's fault. The Jane you knew before the stroke is not the same Jane she became after the stroke. Whatever emotional baggage you say she had pre-stoke may or may not apply to the new post-stroke Jane; she could have added new baggage and/or let go of some the old. Often times family and friends can come to know the new, post-stroke person and sometimes that isn't possible. Given the long-distance between where you two lived, the relationship didn't have a chance from the moment the stroke hit her. That is your postmortem. Plain and simple. What happened had nothing to do with commitment issues so don't let it effect your future relationships negatively.

Jean

Jean is right to an extent. Strokes are too much to deal with on their own much less attempt to keep up with a relationship (and a long distance one at that). My husband had to take on all of the work for our marriage for quite a while and I am sad to admit that he probably still is doing a majority of it. For the first five years of our marriage, we lived in different states (me in NY for 2 years and FL for 3, he in PA for all 5) and I don't know how our marriage could possibly survived after my stroke had he not lived here with me to do everything that he did. Thankfully he is patient, compassionate, and hardworking - even with all of those traits, had we still been living apart, all bets would have been off.

I do think that the hardest thing for you seems to be to let it go and just know that there was nothing you could have done. Whatever happened in that 48 hours doesn't matter. It happened. Somehow you need to accept it and let it go. I hesitate writing these past few sentences because I enjoy your 'company' and I can only imagine what you must be reminded of each time you visit this site.

Take care.

I understand, I think I went over and over what happened, etc the break up of my ex husband. When I decided to let it go ... and not pick at the scab it healed..

I am happily married, we just had our 10th Anniversary, we have been together 15 years.

I am sure coming back here .. is a reminder to you...

The stroke may have been the problem or NOT you will never know.

Try to forget this. It was a relationship not meant to be..... for whatever reason. You will always have memories, but try to make it just that.. memories.. in the past. If this was your first relationship ..then like other firsts.. it has more complex issues/meanings.

You know where you are in your head and your heart. Try not to bring this "spoiled" baggage into your new relationship.. It will lessen and more happy memories will over shadow this time of your life.

As with ANY relationship take your time, time to learn, time to trust.

Paper work, sharing, etc is only PART of the relationship. Make sure you are covered.. untangling things can be very messy.

We started out with seperate accounts, and a joint one for household expenses. Be Smart. Be Safe...

hey guys...yeah...I know you are all right. And Jean, I really WANTED to get it but its hard to do that long distance. I wanted to...I REALLY WANTED TO...I wanted to be involved in every part of her recovery and learn what I could do for her...that's love...that's commitment. I wanted her in my house to care for her...gladly and willingly. She didn't let me in enough to try to get it. And everyone else put a shield around her so I wouldn't have a chance to get it. You are right...the odds were against us as soon as that happened...

Sherri...you were blessed...I was happy to do all the work but she didn't want it. No matter what the stroke brought her, I believe with my whole heart that her not wanting it IS a function of her past baggage. She has rejected other people too...friends who were close to her...EVERYONE...she's just shut down and walked away from everyone.

I know there is nothing I could've done because I didn't do anything. I wanted to help...wanted to be a part of her recovery and she didn't want it. That is hard to swallow when it is someone who said they loved you and vice versa. I wouldn't change a thing that I did. I sleep well every night resting in knowing I did everything I could.

I have been struggling lately with disentangling how much of this is the Jane I knew that made the decision to break up, and how much of it was the stroke. And I know I won't ever know that answer. So I'm just struggling to now let go of that need to know...that final bit of info. This is my baggage...my control issues...my need for information. I have to learn to let go of that and I acknowledge that. I WANT to let go of that...that's why I'm here blogging...working the last bit of crap out of my system. I'm almost there. I know in my heart of hearts once I can just say..."WHATEVER...it doesn't matter"...I'll be good.

And I don't want to bring baggage to my new relationship. That's what I've been very mindful of...I want to trust again and open my heart to myself and to Shauna. I know this is the last piece of the puzzle for me.

Bonnie...I agree...YES, I want a joint account but I also know how tough it is to disentangle...been there done that so I will be sure to protect myself. Shauna's been married too so she understands.

Yeah...its hard coming here...it does bring up all that stuff for me but it's been there in me regardless. I figured coming here to process will really help me lift the last layers, as I said. I haven't actively dealt with these issues since I send her the stuff in October so I'm trying to take a few steps back in order to find a way to move forward. I want to just let go...but I have to find a way to do that...

So I will continue to talk out loud and process out loud and figure it all out. That's what this week of renewal is for me! I can make no promises I'll be able to return here after that. It may be, despite how much I care for everyone here, that I'll have to truly let go of this place to let go of her. Something came up in the session I had tonight... "I'm not saying NO to you, I'm saying YES to me"...so maybe this is what I need to do for me, to finally let Jane go...

Robyn,

You're a super smart and caring woman. You'll work it out. Whatever happens I always tell robins who fly away from here to stop back at all the holidays to say hello. If you don't come back any more often than that....at least do THAT much, okay? The welcome mat and coffee pot are always waiting.

By the way, I never meant to suggest in an way shape or form that you didn't try to "get it." I know you did. Your pain in not being allowed that opportunity was very clear and heartbreaking to watch.

:friends: Jean

Robyn, I hesitated to weight in with my two cents worth here but Jean has only got it partly right. ANY brain injury will alter people's perspective, reactions, how they deal with issues etc. It may also cause an insecurity that may undermine their confidence, force them back into bad, old relationships, dangerous behaviour etc. In some cases it is like being swung violently around and just spinning out of control and then the first person who offers help becomes the saviour. I have seen a few cases being a hospital visitor for a while and believe that no-one knows how the person they love will respond when a stroke hits.

I also think that if you go to a hospital, rehab centre or nursing facility and actually talk to stroke survivors you may get a better understanding overall of what life is like after a stroke. A few of us here belong to stroke support groups in real time and I can say for me, even joining one after seven years of dealing with Ray's strokes, it has been a real eye opener.

Good luck with you new relationship and with your future plans.

Sue.

Thanks Jean...I know I'm always welcome here and I appreciate that. Thanks for understanding. It is hard to be shut out when you love someoen so much and so deeply.

Sue...I think that is what happened with Jane...she swung back into old comfortable behaviors and depended on people who she had avoided for years because of the dysfunction they brought to her life. And that was her choice and she AND I will have to live with that. I feel sad for her...

I don't miss the relationship...I'm just hurt how it ended...

I've known Stroke Survivors IRL, but not to the extent I was close to Jane, obviously. I had some idea how it would affect her but just as the survivor needs and adjustment period...so do the family, loved ones, care givers...and I was thrust out before I had the chance to adjust.

I do feel in some ways, it is all for the best. Not that I'm "GLAD" I don't have to be a caregiver because I would've done that gladly and willingly...I honor my commitments. But it has opened the door for me to learn many new things about myself and my life and allowed me to meet someone who is really special and so much more compatible with me than Jane ever was. I really am blessed...I just want to purge the last pains and hurts so I can offer a more whole and healed individual to her as our relationship continues and deepens!

Blessings to all...see ya later!

XO

It's not that I think you didn't *try* to understand Jane's perspective, not at all. It just simply isn't possible for someone to empathize when they haven't been in the other person's shoes. Neither Jean nor Sue could possibly understand what it is like to have a stroke (& I don't wish it on them or anyone) even though they are caregivers. It can hardly be explained by the stroker even if we have the cognitive and speaking abilities. Any attempt at explanation cheapens (for lack of better word) the real experience of it. You can observe and talk but you just can't possibly know - what a difficult thing to grasp, acknowledge, and let go. I can't imagine your pain, I really can't. Although I will miss you, I wish healing for you.