Walkin' with You and Me:

Yesterday, I walked to the library (about (.5) mile one way) without my walker. My son accompanied me w/ my walker in case I needed it at some point. He was also my watchful eyes. He could tell if I was using proper posture and see if I got lazy feet. I want to look like a normal, walking person. Funny how that sounds. When I was a teenager, I modeled for several stores in Baltimore and after I graduated from high school (my parents sent both my sister and brother to college. They are geniuses and both flunked out of college (too much fun on my bro's part & too much laziness on my sis's part). So when it was my turn, my parents said, "You are no genius, we are not sending you to college." That's what you get for being the (.5) child in a national poll of children in families of 2.5 children :big_grin: ), I moved to New York City to model for a designer on the runway. I write this just to let you know, I knew how to walk. Anyway, I digress.

My son told me I wobbled a little bit but other than that, I did fine. We made it to the library and I am pleased to say, I returned the book, "State of Denial" by Bob Woodward earlier than the due date! I recommend the book, btw.

Needless to say, I made the walk to the library without using my walker. There were times the lazy side of me thought I should ask for the walker. I walked home w/out the aid of the walker, too. Although I wobbled some and a few times lurched like the drunken sailor I have been (sans the liquor---DARN!), I did well. I was pleased w/ my progress and I know I will get better if I keep practicing.

THIS THING IS MAKING ME INTO A HYPOCHONDRIAC!

Last week, I had a really bad week. On Sunday, I felt a little weak and dizzy. Monday, I felt worse and didn't have the energy for much. Tuesday, it was worse and by Wednesday, I was on the couch all day. I tried to exercise on the treadmill but by Tuesday, couldn't do it. Thursday, I didn't think I could take a shower and get dressed but I had to because I had a drs. appointment. Drs. put up w/ a lot but stinky patients is not in their job description, I don't think.

He asked me if I was getting enough liquid. Boy, don't I wish he was asking about Margarita's! :cocktail: But not. I told him I was drinking more water than I ever have (never been good at that). But by Sunday, I only got maybe (16 oz). He ordered an MRI and MRA to see if some of my blood vessels had a narrowing or if I was just dehydrated. What a difference in diagnosis. But his concern is that I have these episodes where it starts off a little at a time but as the days progress, it gets worse.

Also, I had a lot of symptoms I described to him: numbness in my feet, bilaterally (feet functional), (L) hand "asleep," moves but like it belongs to someone else (who would want it?), dizzy in my head (stop w/ the jokes...), lying down or sitting for any period of time hurts in the bum, can't lie in bed in the am for any period of time, body feels bad then I feel like I'm going to faint, getting up, I feel yucky. The last term is a medical term, don't you know. The dr. had the audacity to ask to be more specific.

So, that is my hypochondria. It sucks. Excuse the rant but I want to be out sailing, skiing, doing stuff :Tantrum: I have this energy inside, I feel this energy inside that I still have so much to offer, yet I can't work, I know I don't have the energy to do any good anywhere. I ask myself if I could volunteer for a couple of hours and I know I cannot be depended upon. I don't want to be in a drs office listing possible symptoms that amount to nothing.

Maybe I need patience. You see, this is not my long suit. Perhaps I need to just keep practice walking. My next objective is to walk to the gym (same distance as to library) and exercise a bit and walk back home. Perhaps I will build endurance. I have gone to the gym but the dr. wants me to tak it easy for now. He probably would frown on my walk to the library but I felt pretty good about it. My head didn't hurt when I got back (yeh, I get pressure where I suppose my stroke sight was. Its on the left & on the bottom where my brainstem is). Sorry for the rant. Its just frustration I am venting. Thanks for listening.

ITS THE "ICK" FACTOR:

When I took care of my parents, in the beginning, it was suppose to be a team effort between my brother and me. My brother visited w/ my parents two times before my father died. At my Dad's memorial, my brother got up and said, "These are the things I wished I told my Dad." I was furious at him and probably not very diplomatic but I told him he had a chance to say those things to Big Daddy-O (our dad) when he was alive. I told him not to make the same mistake w/our mother. He didn't talk to me for about three or four months. It was I who started the communication again. He did visit my mother more often but when I was in a pinch, he never helped. It hurt me but I love my brother very much. I have always admired him and looked up to him.

I have a friend from high school. She is a wonderful person. She e-mailed me last night in response to my e-mail, letting all my friends and family know my progress in walking to the library. She wrote "in all the times I have visited you and written you, I am amazed at your persistance and tenacity." She visited me twice in the hospital and has never been to see me at home. In the beginning, she said they all had a surprise for me from the class reunion and some other things they were getting together to bring me.

When my friends visit and bring me presents, I am embarassed. The thing I want most is their company. Their presence is present enough. By the same token, I don't want to force people or visit me out of guilt. I want them to visit me because they want to. It hurts me that I have become the "ICK" Factor. Let me explain the "ICK" Factor.

When I went to Guatemala, I was assigned to work in an orphanage. In our orientaton, they told us we would be seeing things we never saw or experienced before so we needed to prepare ourselves. Over the years, I had worked with different kinds of kids, autistic, downs syndrome and kids w/ many different brain injuries. I wondered what I would see. Would I be able to show the kids I was going to be introduced to my love and understanding and not, figuratively, *beep* up my face and mentally say, "ICK."

Well, as I wrote in my introduction, I didn't see anyone I couldn't love. By the time I took my 2nd step into the orphanage, I was in love w/ the kids. Oh, there were things I never saw before, for instance, the little tyke who was in a stroller and I thought he was perhaps one-year old but found out he was 8-years old and would not grown any bigger and he had many other things wrong w/ him. You could not see into his eyes, there was nothing there. But he responded to kindness and touch. Fortunately, I avoided the "ICK" Factor. I loved those kids and it was hard to leave when it was my time t go.

Now I realize I am the recipient of the "ICK" Factor. I realize how hard it is for people not to deal w/ people who have catastrophic illnesses or injuries. I understand the several classmates who say they want to visit but don't. I understand that part of it they have busy lives and they are living their lives. Also, I must go soft and be understanding because it is winter and everyone hibernates in winter. I just don't understand my friend who wrote "in all the times I visited you..."

We all want to be normal again. None of us asked for what happened to us. As some people say, this happened to us so we can learn a lesson. I say, "stop w/ all the lessons, already! I get it. Well, I don't but I have gone through more than my share of trials. So stop." I'm frustrated because I want to be normal. I'm frustrated because there is much more I want to do to help this be a better world. I'm frustrated because I want my brother, my other son and those friends who perhaps see me as the "ICK" Factor...I want them all to come visit because they want to. I'm frustrated because of the last statement, I am Marie Antoinette, who wants to have her cake and eat it to. Thanks for listening. Take Care. LK