Lucy,

Am I understanding that once the teenaged son moves downstairs to your present room, that your son is implying that you need to find somewhere else to live? Or are there two rooms downstairs and you'd be moving to another? In either case, I can understand why you're so upset.

I know it's hard to do but you've got to have faith that it will all work out for the best, even if you have to go through some rough months of transition.

What was said about the down payment you put down? Will they be repaying that so you'll have the money to move on, if you have to? Or was it a gift you gave them with no strings?

Jean

When Teenage Son move downstairs, he would move into "my" room and I would find another place. They will pay me back for the down payment when they can afford it. My emotions say they also should pay me back for part of the mortgage payments I made. I am trying to be fair and need to talk to one of my friends to find out what is fair because right now I cannot think straight.

This morning, my son said I could stay here as long as I need to. They have always said they want me to be part of the family; that we are all family. But to my mind, this puts another feeling to this. I feel more like I am renting here.

I really hate this kind of thing. I don't handle this very well. I don't know the proper thing to do. Take Care. LK

Lucy:

I am sorry you are feelig hurt so lots of hugs, you should defintely ask for your down payment and wonder aloud the money you contributed in mortgage payment was that rent for letting you stay with them.

As Jean says have faith, you will realize once you have your own place, you feel much better, and I bet your confidence wil zoom up, you can find rental to your son's place and decorate your on apt the way you want it,

I see these smakk tiffs about not liking your style in every household including my mom's tiffs with my brother's family, my mom is one strong lady at age 62 she works harder than any of us combined, she does babysitting in my brother's house in the walkout basement. She wants to be occupied every moment of our life,

Asha

I am not a financial wizard, but fat chance of them ever paying you back "when they can afford it". Just starting a new family? Never happen. If you really expect the $$$ back they should refinance the mortgage and give it back to you in a lump sum. As far as 1/2 the mortgage payments, consider it rent. Most of it went to interest anyway, and actually helped reduce the principal very little. Mix money and friends, soon you will have neither. Mix money and family, soon you will be broke and lonely. Consider getting your own place and if you are over 62, consider a reverse mortgage to improve your cashflow. If you can afford to do that then you could let them consider the down payment you gave them as their inheiritance. PM me if you want more details. I used to sell reverse mortgages, no longer do and am not tolling for business. I make nothing on this advice.

Lucy,

Sorry to hear what you're going through. That is pretty crappy. Maybe you will be better having your own apartment where you could decorate how you want. You do such a great job here explaining how you feel, why not type up your feelings and present them to your son. Would you be able to live on your own ok?

Hi Lucy,

I am going to differ slightly (I think) from the group. I think if what is most important to you to be accepted by your son's family, then forget about the money. Consider it a gift and be prepared never to see a penny of it returned.

I think the son should take the responsibility to pay you back as promised. Unfortunately, that rarely seems to happen with parents and children. Money tears relationships apart, and it seems to me it is more important to you to be a part of the lives of your son and his new baby.

If you have to have this money in order for you to be able to move, then talk to your son and DIL about it so they can get the proper arrangements

in order in time. If you don't HAVE to have it, think of it as a gift for them starting their lives together. If they surprise you and pay you back, even better!

Thinking about the house from the stand point of you DIL, she probably DOES feel that you are just renting, since it seems the arrangement was that you would not be living there forever. She thinks she WILL be there forever, and thinks she should have the final say in what "her" house looks like.

I don't think this means she doesn't like you, more likely that she just likes to have control and probably has a hard time understanding that she could be hurting your feelings. She probably just never learned to comprimise in kindergarten.

You are not WRONG in your feelings; you just need to decide if this is worth estranging yourself from your son via DIL.

Take Care, I hope you get everything worked out in a way that you can live with (no pun intended)

Kristen

Lucy,

I totally agree with everything Kristen says here. I just wanted to add that they have some great assistant living apartments now, too, that you could look into.

Jean

My feelings would be hurt also, since you plunked a sum of money down to help with the mortgage.

As Jean says there are some nice assisted living apatments, or apartments for seniors and disabled. They usually have a van service to take you shopping and to Dr. appointments. If you need money for deposits and rent, etc you could tell your son you need a certain amt to move and then monthly payment arrangements.

I'm not sure if this would be a possibility... adding a room for you onto the house. or if there is a garage that could be made into a type of "mother in law suite" possibly re financing for the funds for the changes or remodeling.

We have different tastes in furniture and decorating.... and I noticed as I grew older my tastes changed again and more appreciation for family items ... I also see this in my daughter. She now has some of my mother's pieces that have been handed down.

Hoping everything works out for you.

(((((((HUGS))))))) Bonnie