Stuck between two worlds
Over a month since my last blog entry, and I have to gain some perpective. This whole short term memory loss thing is such a pain!
I feel like I'm stuck between two worlds. Am I recovered? Am I making progress? Am I disabled and doomed to a 'lesser existance'?
Some days I feel like my old self. Then I get out of bed .
My husband seems to think I am fine, just a bit tired. I swear sometimes he thinks I'm just making it up for sympathy. Some days I walk almost straight. others I stagger like a drunk. I must be exagerating, right? I don't have any "real" problems. When I try to talk to my family or friends about my mental difficulties, I always hear "Oh that happens to me too, It's just middle age". Apparently middle age slapped me in the face coincidentally about the time of my stroke.
I saw my doctor this week. She is a sweetie and always tells me how much I've improved and how well I've taken it. But as far as recovery? As she put it, I'm in a 'different place' in my life than I was.
Acceptance would be a lot easier if I knew what I was supposed to be accepting. I don't know how far I've come because I can't remember how I felt last week! How do you quantify your mental abilities? Especially when you can't tell what they were like yesterday?
I want a blood test that tells me what my brain is doing. If I had diabetes, I could test my blood sugar. If I had high cholesterol, they could give me a number. If my heart weren't working up to par, they could test that too.
Maybe I should develop a test of my own. How many times did I forget what I was doing today? How many times have I driven along and suddenly, just for a moment, forgotten where I was headed. How many words could I not grasp in a conversation?
Of course I would probably forget to take the test!
My medical plan has a special 'support' system for clients with medical problems. They enrolled me when I was diagnosed with depression and had my heart fixed.
Of course they have no support for stroke victims! If I wanted to quit smoking, they are there for me! But as a survivor of stroke, I guess we are just beyond help and might as well be tossed on a pile in the corner.
I know how foolish it is, but every time I'm bombarded with TV ads about heart disease, breast cancer, every other problem known to man, I wonder what about us? Are we really that invisible? I know I never knew anything about it til it came to my doorstep.
On Monday I will be 47 years old. I tend to view time based on that, so the 'year I had my stroke" is over as far as I'm concerned. Most years are good ones, with just a bad apple every so often. So my resolution is to look forward at all cost. I may not be the woman I once was, but I'm still me. I have come through the fire and moved on with just a few scars. Perhaps it has made a better person of me.