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Stuck between two worlds




Over a month since my last blog entry, and I have to gain some perpective. This whole short term memory loss thing is such a pain!

I feel like I'm stuck between two worlds. Am I recovered? Am I making progress? Am I disabled and doomed to a 'lesser existance'?

Got me!

Some days I feel like my old self. Then I get out of bed <_< .

My husband seems to think I am fine, just a bit tired. I swear sometimes he thinks I'm just making it up for sympathy. Some days I walk almost straight. others I stagger like a drunk. I must be exagerating, right? I don't have any "real" problems. When I try to talk to my family or friends about my mental difficulties, I always hear "Oh that happens to me too, It's just middle age". Apparently middle age slapped me in the face coincidentally about the time of my stroke.

I saw my doctor this week. She is a sweetie and always tells me how much I've improved and how well I've taken it. But as far as recovery? As she put it, I'm in a 'different place' in my life than I was.

Acceptance would be a lot easier if I knew what I was supposed to be accepting. I don't know how far I've come because I can't remember how I felt last week! How do you quantify your mental abilities? Especially when you can't tell what they were like yesterday?

I want a blood test that tells me what my brain is doing. If I had diabetes, I could test my blood sugar. If I had high cholesterol, they could give me a number. If my heart weren't working up to par, they could test that too.

Maybe I should develop a test of my own. How many times did I forget what I was doing today? How many times have I driven along and suddenly, just for a moment, forgotten where I was headed. How many words could I not grasp in a conversation?

Of course I would probably forget to take the test!

My medical plan has a special 'support' system for clients with medical problems. They enrolled me when I was diagnosed with depression and had my heart fixed.

Of course they have no support for stroke victims! If I wanted to quit smoking, they are there for me! But as a survivor of stroke, I guess we are just beyond help and might as well be tossed on a pile in the corner.

I know how foolish it is, but every time I'm bombarded with TV ads about heart disease, breast cancer, every other problem known to man, I wonder what about us? Are we really that invisible? I know I never knew anything about it til it came to my doorstep.

On Monday I will be 47 years old. I tend to view time based on that, so the 'year I had my stroke" is over as far as I'm concerned. Most years are good ones, with just a bad apple every so often. So my resolution is to look forward at all cost. I may not be the woman I once was, but I'm still me. I have come through the fire and moved on with just a few scars. Perhaps it has made a better person of me.






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Beautiful blog. It does seem that our society tends to "judge" or "compare" diseases and illnesses. More though, is being said about stroke awareness. It's about time although still far behind. There is still so much "unknown" territory of the brain. I too sometimes have short term memory isssues when my brain far-s - at least it doesn't smell)


Why not try to keep a daily journal - jotting down everything that happpens - good as well as bad. You might discover more good than bad if you're honest with yourself. Or....increase your blogging if you can.


Good luck, chin up, and (((HUGS)))

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Gosh I can really relate to you!


I have two sets of two worlds. My first set is like yours - I have trouble walking and people reply "oh, me too". Really? So it is just normal and not just because my left leg doesn't know what to do? bah!


My second is that 'normals' can't relate to me and 'strokers' can't either - I don't feel welcome in either world. I am too broken for the normal world and too normal for the stroke world. bah!

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I think there are many of us in the "in between" and have good days and bad. Some days my walking is pretty good, others it is definately worse. I used to call them my "wobbly" days.


There is not much pattern to the days. Fatigue, not sleeping well is a definate factor, I just try to take them as they come..and hope to not have much planned for the wobbly days.

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I agree totally - we live in a zone that normal people will never understand. Its our reality, but it is literally incomprehensible to the normal.


When people say - that's happens to me too, I want to ask them when they had their stroke - sometimes I truly have to bite my tongue.


By the time I was released from the hospital I was ready to scream at the next medical person who said "you are to young for this to happen to you". If I was too young, then why was I there? Was it just a bad dream and I would wake up and be okay? Another "what not to say" to someone who has just lived through a major event.


I think I finally figured out what it was that I had to accept. I needed to accept that my expectations of what I could do needed to be adjusted to my new reality, with new goals to look forward to. Now, I just have to figure out how to do that...


At the two year point I caved in and started writing to-do lists - I am trying to be realistic about my memory (or lack thereof), yet I am trying to still make it work by doing brain excercises. I just got really tired of beating myself up over forgetting things. On a positive side note to lack of memory - just about every show I watch on tv is new to me - while normal people are watching re-runs on the same channel.


Your entry helped me today, thank you.


Kind regards,


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